I have posted my whole story..before.. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/106808-insanity-reigns.html ..but now I will sum it up briefly.. I am 21.. Right now I dont know where I stand it could be anywhere from kinsey 2 to 4... but I cant take this anymore ... Anyway I always thought I was attracted to women (and I was), got off to girls solo, lesbian porn etc and sometimes to weirder porn like incest and cuckold (not gay or transexual)... When I was 18 with my 1st gf.. I prematurely ejaculated several times in foreplay but I failed in penetrating her... so we broke up. With my 2nd gf. During foreplay I would prematurely ejaculate again (sometimes even twice), and other times I would just lose my erection. When I had sex for the 1st time, I had quite a lot anixety I didnt enjoy it much, the condom didnt help, it sucked and she dumped me. Somehow these failures got me thinking if I am gay for the last 8 months. During this time I have had 2 gay fantasies, 2 random erections (while being with friends) and I got off to gay porn after 15 attempts or something. The thing is when I had those fantasies and when I got off to gay porn once, I got an extremely hard erection... which fueled the confusion even more. I still enjoy lesbian porn and even girls solo occasionaly but my erection isnt that hard.. Nowadays what has driven me mad, is some insane anxiety I am having while trying to masturbate.. So I am half enjoying lesbian porn and while my erection is fine I feel like a voice in my head telling me "you are gay give it up already or that I should at least find my bisexual side" so I switch to gay porn and my boner dies... but the anxiety is still there driving me nuts. I throw away the computer with all the porn bullshit and I notice that my hand is shaking. I dont know how bisexual am I, if HOCD exist, or if the porn addiction has something to do with my constant questioning but... well I think I will eventually get some therapy.. Any thoughts ?
Well, first i must say that i may not be good at advice, but we have semi-simmilar story. First off, dont use porn as an indicator. Some say proof is in the porn, but i say it might be a bad indicator. From what i see, you need to really see what gender you're attracted to. About the Kinsey Scale, I rated a 2 and i'm bi. Just find the answers to these questions: What gender am i find sexually attracted to. What gender do you fantasize about durring "alone time"?
Dude, I'm going to say this once, clearly, 'cause I'm fairly sure we covered it before somewhere. You could go get any random household object and FORCE yourself to get an erection. You could go find a picture of your MOTHER and force yourself to ejaculate. The point is if you are having to sit there and force yourself "I got off to gay porn after 15 attempts" then it's not for you. Now as ItsChris says, porn is a bad indicator and it sure as heck ain't proof of anything. Now you are sitting there with your head going "You should be watching gay porn" which I have to question. 1. Are you sure you are not confusing the common anxiety of watching porn with a feeling that you should be watching gay porn 2. Are you actually hearing a voice in your head saying 'Nah, let's watch the gay stuff" If I'm honest it seems like you have deep-set worries, phobias even, when it comes to straight sex. I mean the first THREE times you did it, you say they broke up with you because you failed to perform. It really sounds like your problem here is that you want to disassociate yourself from sex involving females even though you still like it ("half enjoying lesbian porn and while my erection is fine") but they only way you can do it without saying "I have a problem" is to say "I'm gay" which makes a problem with GIRLS. "I can't help these past instances, I'm gay, you see". The problem with this is if you start trying to force yourself to 'be gay' because of it, you will quickly realise you can't perform better, if you can even bring yourself to get that far. I mean honestly, right now, can you see yourself hooking up with a man? Thinking of all the things he'll do to you, and you to him?
Wow thank you for telling me this to my face... it kind of was like a wake up call. In my mind I always saw straight sex with a big groundbreaking event. So its more like I have this huge phobia that I wont be able to satisfy a girl rather than actually being gay.
