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Very confused and fraustrated..please help..

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Fluxus, Nov 24, 2013.

  1. Fluxus

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Hi,
    I'm 22 years old male.. I think I'm bisexual but I'm very confused with my situation here.. I have a girlfriend now
    I do not know if Im 'straight acting' or not.. I dont even know if that is the real me anymore..


    -From one of my few memoires when I was in kinder garden I can remember I'm jealous of the girls get to wear dresses pantyhoses etc or just jealous of them being girls... but among friends and families I'm just a 'normal' boy..

    -I first cross-dressed when I was about 11 or 12 of age.. and I used to have bedtime romantic fantasies of being a girl(thought babies were made by kissing during that time).. I 'think' I had a crush on a girl in my class during that time AND a guy friend of mine we used to hang out a lot.. but I'm really not sure if those were real 'crush on's..
    I was a angry little kid on the outside.. got straight As at school but was sort of a bully.

    -I had my first girlfriend whos 2 years older than me when I was about 15~16.. and the first night I lost my virginity was kind of disappointing.. did not even cum

    -After that I had quite a few dates and I gradually found out that I had to 'adjust' my mindset to be able to actually enjoy sex with girls.. I can last a fairly long time but my mind sometimes is just not in the right mindset and can't really get the pleasure out of it..
    in short.. sometimes I rather be fucked by someone than fucking someone.. and while watching porn about 80% of the time I would imagine being the female.. and I'm not interested in gay porns at all....

    -And then I fell in love with this girl when I was in high school, very much, but she treated me like shit.. done a lot of stupid stuffs for her even turned against my own parents because they didn't like her.. broke up after a year and a half.

    -When I finally get to have my very own private place after I went to uni, I ordered dresses..heels..pantyhose and even a dildo from internet.. sick.. isnt it.. my fantasies finally partially came true..and I did enjoy that very much.. but yet I feel very guilty doing so.. and at the same time I fell in love with another girl.

    -In one summer holiday I first met this very charming gay guy about 30 years old of age whom I knew for quite a few years on a classical music forum, I told him that I think I'm into guys.. we met up several times in public places.. had some touchings but did not go any further and I did not feel weird at all.. my heart was pounding so fast I felt so excited.. thats the point I thought I was probably 100% gay.. but nay.. I'm pretty sure my love towards those two girls were genuine too..

    -After a peaceful and sad broke up with this girl because of some unsolvable issue we had, I've been smoking bud and taking acid quite often and discovered that I can gain female like pleasure from music and my imagination... I had been through a very depressing time for a couple of months not just because of her, almost committed suicide but luckily I had a second thought..

    -Then I started looking for gay guys until I met my current girlfriend.. I told her that im bi and she accepted it.. I genuinely love her we've been together for about 4 months now..

    but still.. this unsatisfiable desire.. and this urge.. is haunting me almost every single night especially the times when shes not around...

    I'm so confused I do not even know if im genuinlly 'bi'.. I have been secretly looking up transgender operations when I was very young of age but I know it is impossible this life time to be a real female and I accepted it long ago... hell..I probably will still be bi even if I was a female since Im attracted to girls too..
    I feel my personally is so splitted.. I can be perfectly straight sometimes but I know there is also this girl trapped inside my body too...:frowning2:

    Anyone please help...:icon_sad:
    Thanks
     
  2. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Gender Pronoun:
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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'll finish reading after I write about this paragraph because I can't tell if it's meant in jest or you really think that what you've done is sick. It worries me.

    Anyway on to the rest. Half your problem is you are mixing two issues. One, you might be bi, and two, you might be transgender. Both wildly different and need to be treated as such.

    So what sexual orientation are you? You seem bi. You like girls, you were at once stage convinced you were gay because the connection felt so real. Is that a problem? If so, why? How can we help you with that.

    Frankly I would be much more concerned with this whole gender confusion you seem to have going on, because it seems to be quite a strong theme in your life that you have no idea how to handle and are ashamed of. We can help you with that, but you need to ask.
     
  3. Fluxus

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Thanks for the reply… i did feel very guilty doing so afterwards… but that made me happy
    The problem im having now is that, i dont really feel ashamed to be known as bi, but if anyone knows my other secrets i prob am destroyed… i dont act or dress feminine in social life at all…
    i do have this desire of being a woman. If i can somehow magically turn into a woman right now, i wouldnt even hesitate for 1/10 of a second… but in real life i wont even consider getting the operation since i know it cant make me a real female and im my familys only child and I do want my own children… but here comes the problem, if i was genuinely transgender why am i still attracted to some girls… or maybe that is just because i somehow want to be like them…
    Does this have anything to do with hormone?… since im pretty much hairless and barely have any beard…
    Thank you:frowning2: