I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place. I'm kind of in between stages, but I haven't really accepted myself. It's really weird. I am in denial, but I can see the denial. I suppose more accurately, I'm aware that I'm not straight - but I'm unaccepting, and still don't exactly know what's going on. Fear is clouding my judgement. I've asked myself if I'm gay repeatedly for a long time. Here are my excuses not to go to the coming out stage: 1. My extended evangelical christian family will not accept me. 2. Family friends will talk about me behind my back. 3. My mother will then feel uncomfortable because of this. 4. My mother worries about a lot of things, and this gives her something else to worry about. 5. My father is homophobic. I'm sure he'd come around, but it's still off putting. 6. I have no idea how to meet lesbians. 7. Even though I know it's not true, I think homophobic thoughts, like that most lesbians are unattractive, so what's the point? 8. It will be a much easier life if I marry a man/I haven't met the right one yet. 9. What if this is a mistake, and I'm not really gay? I don't even know who I am. 10. Most of the world population would hate me. I think I'm at a place now where it's harder to ignore this stuff, because I keep being asked if I have a boyfriend, or what kind of guy I'd be interested in. The fact that makes me uneasy, while I stare blankly at them...:eusa_doh::icon_bigg I was a tomboy growing up, never thought about boys at school. I never really was attracted to anyone to be honest. But in my late teens I half realised I had a crush on this girl because I couldn't stop being around her or teasing her. Now I understand what that was. Thinking about her to this day makes me happy. I wish I could have accepted this earlier. Instead I've had a poor boyfriend I was using, who I was bored with, and for some reason wouldn't let him go all the way. I broke it off because it was selfish. It's clear to me now that I'm not straight because of my interests, some of my mannerisms, and the fact that I've had a couple of people ask if I'm gay. But because I'm shy I feel I haven't the experience to know for 100% sure. I mean I've only had one proper boyfriend. I find it very difficult to recognise attraction, because I'm rarely aware of it. I can see a guy and think, oh he looks handsome and he is nice. But I have no connection. I have no idea how to get over this few hurdles. I just want to be happy. But I feel like I could never convince myself my decision about my true self would be correct. I feel like I've closed myself off and wasted my life, though I'm only almost in my mid-twenties. How do you get over the fear, to see yourself clearly?
I think I understand what you're saying. I lack experience too and I don't have enough to really, really know what I like. And, yet, I'm afraid to get that experience, because I'm afraid to know what the truth might be. I feel like the only thing I know for certain is that I'm "not straight"...
It's best not to dwell on the label, but instead live life. Perhaps the best way to accept it is to know that there is no reason to believe it's unnatural in the first place: think of it as just a different interest, as you will still be yourself. This is a tough situation, one that you'll have to weigh. The best suggestion I can give is to gradually come out of the closet, first to your parents, and then to those who matter and will be accepting. While your parents might be off put, they're still your parents, and it's best that they know and learn to accept it. I will stress this, make sure your parents won't do anything drastic (like leave you on your own); while I doubt they will, it's wise to maybe come out slowly. I know it might hurt to have your mother worry more, but in the end, she'll most likely learn someday, and it will still hurt her. It maybe hard to find others, but perhaps seeks a LGBT group if possible. Perhaps your mind will be put at ease once you meet another lesbian (and one that is not a butch, or if so, a very attractive one in your mind). For the doubts: I guarantee you, if you confirm 100% that you like women (or atleast 99%), you will be better off with a woman. If you do something you hate, you'll only end up miserable, no matter how much you please others; this is not being selfish, it's looking out for yourself. I also wish to tell you that only the ignorant and intolerant will hate you; plenty of people will be accepting of who you are. This story goes a long way toward helping show that you indeed might be lesbian. If you really feel nothing towards men...that's about it; listen to what you're feelings/subconscious opinions tell you about your attraction. Many people secure in their sexuality will tell you that those whom they are not sexually attracted in are still "handsome" or "pretty," and not feel as though they might be straight/gay. I would recommend taking time to sort out these issues, focus on work and a stable lifestyle, and seeking a therapist. Many people take much longer to realize or accept they're gay, sometimes up to their late 60's; the point is, don't worry about not finding that someone you're looking for right away. The way I accepted myself was to realize that who I am is me: it may look different to other people, but I am who I am, regardless of gender/sex.
Thank you MrRedfox, that really helped me I think this is a self-esteem and confidence issue. I'm too busy worrying about what other people think of me. I have to change my frame of mind. Never thought about therapy before, but I think that could be beneficial.
