I'm trying to honestly describe my experience as best as I can. It's really difficult to keep all the facts "straight" when my mood of how I percieve my past thoughts and feelings keeps changing, but I'm really just trying to give the facts as I know them. I am a 23 year old male I have never been in a relationship and I am a virign I don't feel straight, but I don't want to say I'm gay either. Now for my story. I come from a homophobic, Southern Baptist family. I used to be religious until I became an atheist at age 19. I never gave much thought to homosexuality. I knew it was a "sin", but my opinion was always live and let be. Up until age 20, I thought I was straight. Then I started to experience same sex thoughts and, to my horror, actually enjoyed fantasizing about the same sex. Since then, I've battled same sex attractions and struggled to keep my heterosexual attractions. My earliest prepubscent fantasies were of both boys and girls. I was attracted to the feminimity of women. I imagined seeing them naked and fantisied about ways to see them naked or us undressing in front of each other. My same sex fantasies were similar and usually involved situations of us getting naked in front of each other - something I did in real life at the school locker room. I even got erections from being naked in the locker room (I didn't know what they were at the time). It was something I enjoyed - but was it because I was naked or because I was naked with boys? I even remember inviting friends over from school for a sleep over and wanting to see them undress. At any rate, at about age 13, I started to really notice the girls and get crushes on them. For sure crushes (we're they?). I pursued many relationships during my teenage years but was always unsuccesful. I either pursued girls that were out of my league or I just was too afraid to ask them out. It didn't help that my history of autism left me socially inept (it took me until just recently to understand how dating was supposed to work). Even recently, I met a girl I really liked, and I know liked me, with whom I had great chemistry and the sexual tension was high, but turned her down for date because I was too afraid to commit to a relationship (to be fair, she was a little older than me and had a child that I didn't feel I was in a position for supporting). Bottom line - I liked girls. I was attracted to them - their bodies, hair, legs, breasts - everything. I fantisized about being in relationships with them and having sex with them and had no problems with arousal with thoughts about them. Now, at the risk of sounding like a gay man in denial, I will now move on to where things started to change. At age 20 I started "losing" my attraction for girls and it freaked me out because the immediate thought it "am I gay?" Sure enough, I masturbate to gay fantasies and I get off faster than a recent straight fantasy. I'm seriously freaked by this point. Has my whole past been a lie? Was I never "really" attracted to girls? I go through some serious questioning, even going as far as to accept myself as gay and then, one day, seemingly without any reason, my attraction to girls comes back. I'd scoff at the idea that I could be gay and things go back to normal. Then my desires betray me again. I start seriously questioning myself again. "Am I gay?" The proccess starts over. This basically describes everything I'm experiencing right now. My sexuality seems to "switch" from time to time. But as I go thorugh these bouts, I become more and more comfortable with the idea of being gay and in a gay relationship. I can't recall having crushes on any guys during my teenage years. Maybe I did and just didn't realize it? I can't be for certain, but I may have had a few crushes some guys recently. As of this writing, I am currently going through a "gay phase". Women don't interest me at all right now. But the thing is, I know they did at one point because of my past thoughts and feelings. Maybe they will again in the near future. I don't know. I'm really confused. What do you guys think? Do I sound like a gay man in denial? Do I sound bisexual who can't come to terms with dual attraction? Or do I just sound like a really paranoid straight man? Also, not to sterotype, but I don't percieve myself as being particuarly masculine either. I have a higher voice and occasionally, without my noticing, I walk with a limp wrist. I'm also a theatre major... Anyway, this has been a long rambling rant and I'm pretty freakin' tired, so I don't know what to think anymore. I'm going to bed. Hopefully this post still holds true in the morning.
I'm very confused why schizophrenia came into the title? To be perfectly honest to me you just sound like someone who is curious about the whole idea of sexuality. And there's nothing wrong with that, especially since your a virgin and have expectations of what sex will fell like and you've no doubt got things you want to try. If that were me.. and it was a few years ago I would say there's nothing wrong with harmless experimentation. You don't sound like a gay man but that doesn't mean you aren't. I thought I liked men and had sex with guys..i then all of a sudden went off them. Gave women a try and I now regret ever going near a guy cause I know it wernt for me now. So yeah I think if your confused now, just try not to get too wrapped up and overthinking it and I think time will tell you the answer. I'm sorry I rambled I just yeah, I hope I helped a little.
You sound a lot like me 4 years ago. Scarily similar. I have found that no matter how strong my attractions ever lean at any point in time, eventually and without fail the dormant attraction will come back with a vengeance. I identify as bisexual now, and genderqueer, and I was diagnosed with aspergers a while back too, coincidentally. Having sex and relationships will help. It'll give you a stronger sense of what you're capable of and eliminate a lot of uncertainty. I ended up losing my virginity just after I turned 24, and I quickly made up for lost time in the past few years. Gradually I became very confident that I was completely bisexual and that this was a permanent thing. I spent a lot of time ruminating about my sexuality while I was in the process of coming out and dating at first, and I worried that I would be doing that forever. Fortunately that stage does go away eventually and it does become just another day at the office, but it will take time and strength. The tides may come and go but the average stays the same over time. I've also noticed that the feeling I get from men and women is different. It's a different sort of 'high' that I get when I'm in a straight mood, getting off to women vs when I'm in a gay mood, getting off to men. Equally strong and intoxicating but different in their 'taste'. I could talk about it much more... there really aren't great resources out there to help people get used to having dual attractions. There are many councilors out there who can help someone accept that they're gay but there's painfully little advice for how to ride the rollercoaster of attraction if your mind is stuck on it. It can feel infuriating when you want to use one attraction pattern one week, and your mind is just stuck on the other one. I can force it by masturbating just to that porn for a while, but the brain shifts very slowly and it can take a few days or even a couple weeks to turn that bus around. For a while as you allow your same-sex attractions to turn on more and more, you'll probably be unnerved when your "gay mood" happens for longer and stronger than it's ever happened before (because you're allowing it to now), and each time you'll worry that you've "gayed" yourself. Usually when that happens, the subsequent emotional cascade will snap you back after a week or so. For instance I found that when I was in a relationship, emotionally being attached to someone caused me to focus on their gender more. But whenever the relationship was in trouble, my other attraction would poke its head above the water. So with my last girlfriend I leaned female mostly, and with my current boyfriend I lean male mostly. After several months with my boyfriend I noticed that I had never felt such a strong male preference for such a long period of time. Then suddenly two weeks later, perhaps out of a subconscious fear that I had made myself gay, women came back in a big way, and that caused a new problem (since I was dating a guy). Then I had trouble snapping out of that. Eventually I learned to turn it into a game. Just force myself to use one kind of porn to stay in a certain mood that I want. It works surprisingly well for me. Ultimately I take comfort from the fact that I am as 50-50 as a human being can get, and that I have some control over my attractions and I can push them, if I ever want to. It is not the easiest type of sexuality to live with, but perhaps it is the most rewarding if you can learn to handle it. The only hangup I ever ran into is doubt, and increasingly that is getting rarer and rarer.
Well you sound like a bi guy to me. Most bi people fluctuate somewhat with regard to who they're attracted to at any given time. Sometimes I lean towards women, sometimes towards men. If you feel like you're usually in a phase where you're only attracted at all to one or the other, those would be more extreme phases than I think the average bi person has. But I don't see why its not possible. For me, I generally am attracted to both genders approximately equally when I'm single. When I'm in a serious relationship, or seriously attracted to a certain someone, I'm almost exclusively attracted to that person's gender for that time. I've heard similar things from other bi people. Maybe that's why you were basically just into girls in high school? And hopefully that gives you some perspective on the fact that you're probably not going to swing wildly between genders forever - you can definitely be bi and be perfectly happy with one guy/girl in a long term relationship.
op im not to sure what you mean by autistic, are you or not? sounds like you just are going through a rough time, and sexual frustation, can make someone depressed. im sure your more socially capable then you think you just need to build solid, lasting confidence..
