Hello, as you can see I am new here, and thankful I have found a place to try and work through whatever it is that is going on in my head at the moment. I hope you will excuse the length of this (more-than-likely) rabble. I am a 23-year-old woman, married for just over 3 years with a 2-year-old daughter. I have been with my husband for 7 years, having met him with I was 16. I have been very unhappy with the relationship for a long time, on and off throughout the duration, but in a way I have never been able to explain. I love my husband, I always have, he is my very best friend but he does not give me what I want. I've never known what it is that could change that. Recently, I have come to accept that we shouldn't be together, that he does not make me happy and never will be nut I do not want to lose what I feel we DO have..a friendship, kinship, and a family. I also, currently, just don't have the strength to leave and deal with the repercussions it will bring. Personally, I have also struggled for as long as I know with cripplingly low self-esteem. I view myself as a failure and genuinely have very little self-worth. As a pre-teen/teenager I was bullied quite severely, had to cope with my mother's bipolar depression and did resort to self-harm for a good portion of that time. Since having my daughter in Aug 2011 I have struggled with depression, and I am ashamed to admit that the last few months, and especially weeks, have had me asking if I wish to carry on, if my daughter wouldn't be better off without me 'tainting her'. It pains me to say that out loud. Now..to the reason I am here... Prior to meeting my husband I had only had one other 'experience' (excuse the information) but it was oddly with a group of 4 of us 'experimenting', in which I focused solely on the other female of the group. She was my best friend at the time, and I was unsure if I was developing feelings for her. That evening, afterwards, we ended up alone, completely platonic but it felt so different to before and I was elated because I felt that it was the beginning of an 'us'. Unfortunately, she didn't see it like that, or maybe she did but never acted upon it. I had always felt 'different', I have always found women more attractive and gravitated to men as friends and that summer I think I was coming to accept who I was. I remember going to a festival and feeling so happy there, wandering around seeing people I could relate to and thinking I could start accepting myself. I felt confident. I cut my hair, I adapted my look and wanted to opening be who I felt - not trying to please someone else. While there I overheard someone next to me ask their friend, "Is that next to me a dude or a chick I just can't tell?" (I was quite overweight, short hair, dressed in baggy shorts and band t-shirt). I don't know why, as it was so much less to a lot of thing about how I look, but that crushed me. Maybe it was just because I had been feeling confident in the 'new me'. Two days later I meet my now-husband. He complimented me and bought me a (soft!) drink. He was the first person to show me any real interest and it made me feel good. I think I pounced on that feeling, and somehow 7 years later I am still here. If sexuality if ever brought up in random conversations I will always say that I don't care about gender. If I like someone, if I am attracted then there is no difference if they are male or female. However, I just don't know if that is true. I always thought I was Bi, but being in such a long term 'straight' relationship it was kind of redundant. But in the last few months of soul-searching and trying to find out how I could be happy, the last few days all I can think of is it is because I have not accepted who I am. Am I attracted to men at all? I can't stand sex with my husband. I have always thought of myself as a highly sexual person but it does not excite me at all, it never has done, and I could quite honestly lay there and try to sleep if I didn't feel bad for him. (I am a horrible human being). I know this is a very long post, and I do apologise, but that is the entire story! I just need advice. I am worried that my mind has just gone to a place that explains why I have a failed marriage I am trapped in and it is all in my head. Or is this reluctance fear about what happens now. Will this mess up mine, my husbands and my daughter's life. If I struggle to live in a marriage that makes me miserable now, what happens if I start to look at my sexuality, will it make me feel even more trapped or would it be the push I need to walk. Do I 'need' to come out to myself or is my lack of conviction just proof that I am straight. I am scared about what this all could mean. But if I am honest, a little part of me deep down just breathed a sigh of relief.
Ladies, please dont misunderstand, as this is just a theory! Not even one i believe in, but im airing ideas as i sadly have no useful advice for you. Im young, and quite sure i dont know what a marriage with kids fully means. My random, but somewhat locig theory: Women learn from a young age (unless got parents with very good morals who wants their children to be open-minded in youth*1) that daddies and mommies have to work so they can make money for food etc. Whenever a new child is born into the family, Big'Sis notices that mommy cant work when the baby is small, so daddy has to. In many countries, its still a norm that men work and women keep the house. See where im getting? You (probably) played house yourself with dolls and stuffed animals when you where no older than maybe 3-4? Thats not a stereotype, i know, lots of boys do that too, but the same boys also know that theyre gonna have to work when they get old if they want a family. So you know all this at a very young age, but sexuality doesnt interest you untill roughly 10 years later. My point: Some women may be just instinctically drawn to men even though they are more turned on by women! Still, just something i thought about 1 minute ago. I think the kind of women who might easily do this, based on instincts and genetic behaviour only, as their personalities and enviroment would play big, probably bigger roles. Anyhow.. Women who love caring for others, or an especially strong maternal instinct and of course those who got pregnant by accident young. A crucial personal trait is wanting a family of course. Then of course a woman (mostly) has the maternal instinct wich is as primal as mens sex drive, and they try their best to keep the family together, whils always knowing "im not truly happy. Im happy when the kids are safe and smiling. Only." Or something like that? Again, im a dude, so not really my field at all ! (*1 cont. Just wanted to kudos those parents who very early inform their children that some parents are moms and dads, some are two dads, some are two moms, etc. and its absolutely okay to be with the one YOU want!) Imagine if every human knew that from the same age they know that mommies and daddies make babies when they grow up im guessing they are well awere of the latter as soon as they can speak the words "mum" "dad".
Sorry for the messy post above, im trying to edit it, but something is blocking my edits! Here is something that may help a little, see that kind of situation throug the mans eyes. The advice i WOULD give as a man, if i were in your husbands situation, i would appriciate if you told me about your confusion, you dont have to pour it all in his face, just tell him you are curious about girls. I think most guys would take that message from their wives in a very calm manner. Of course he will immidiately be afraid to loose you, and if you are insecure anyway, he would be sooner or later anyway. I know i would like to know it if my wife was exploring I would be gratefull she would tell me for starters, its shows im are still the person she knows best and trusts. she cant controll her nature of course, and you wont make her stay and be miserable. Because its not the suffering of not beeing loved anymore, its not wrinkling his brain trying to figure out why she stormed out the door with a suitcase and the kids, screaming only "BYE" its not the juealousy and and rage of having them taken from you by someone better. Its just that she wasnt who she thought she was, she did love you, and probably still do to, just not in the way you did her. Thats a kind of romantic-tragic thought! Heh, like a woddy allen romantic... If i got told that by someone i loved, who loves me, but not the same way, together for so long you start to count years instead of months.. I would have told her thanks for telling me, wich meant alot, then i would have asked her to figure the rest out herself, but dont tell me the what you found out, either you are back tonight, or your back tomorrow. I would of course be devasted, my love didnt love me and all that. But you have created life together, thats a bond not easily broken, even if you try. If you have any good male friends, or if you are close with one of his friends, but who you can trust hold a secret, it might be an idea to air that talk with them. Guys talk about all kinds of bizarre scenarios during beer sessions, and the things we know about our best friends are detailed and plenty. Good luck to you! i hope getting the other sides thoughts can help you in some way. But in the end, you probably know your husband better than anyone, so you might be able to patch together some "possible outcomes" if you really twist your brain and think of him reacting to surprising news and similiar stuff. Dont talk to him before you are ready, and time it good. Or dont do it at all, i know nothing about him
Thank you for the responses. You make some very interesting points! Just an update to say that I have come on leaps and bounds in the last 20 or so bounds. I think while posting this I was on the very cusp of acceptance and since then I have grown in confidence that I actually do know myself better, and I deserve happiness in my own right. Therapy has helped me immensely. I have told a few people, today my mother, that I am gay, and have had nothing but positive. I still have to deal with the huge hurdle that is my husband but that will come soon enough.
