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I hate being Demisexual... I do not feel like I belong anywhere

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by phoenix89, Nov 28, 2013.

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  1. phoenix89

    phoenix89
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    A little over 2 months ago I came to the conclusion that I was demisexual and in that time I have gone through a whole spectrum of emotions. Most recently I have started to hate it. I am glad that the friends and family and for the most part anyone who I have told have been supportive and do not care. However, at the same time there are people who are not support and because of that I am really confused and wish I was different.

    I do not feel like I belong among the straight community because I do not experience attraction like the "normal" straight person. And it is hard for people who are not Asexual or Demisexual to understand my lack of attraction, at least physically. A lot of people have said that it is not a big deal and that God is just calling me to do something else and not to worry about a spouse. The thing is that I want to have a family, and it is hard to explain the difference between Asexuality and Celibacy.

    At the same time I do not feel like I belong in the LGBTQ+/GSM community because when I feel attraction it is to opposite sex cis individuals. It is not that I have a problem with people who are the same gender or sex as me. It is just that when I feel attraction it is to cismales. Since I do not experience samesex/samegender attraction I am confused about if I am actually part of the GSM spectrum.

    There is also the erasure the asexual individuals experience from both sides of the line that is not helping with the confusion.

    I just hate that I feel like I do not belong anywhere. I wish I never learned that there was such as thing as Demisexuality. If I never learned about this I feel like I would be a happier, because I would not be worrying about any of this. But now I am stuck with this and I am just not happy with this. I hope maybe as time goes on I will become more accepting of this, but this is is so new to me. Everything is just a big mess right now.
     
    #1 phoenix89, Nov 28, 2013
  2. jargon

    jargon
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    You're right that your identity puts you in a sort of grey-area, where many people would disagree about which groups you're a part of. Personally, I define "queer" very broadly, so I would say you could fall under that umbrella if you choose to identify that way.

    But probably more importantly, I don't see your situation as very different from a lot of straight peoples'. One of my closest female friends experiences very little sexual attraction ever... like out of her last three relationships, she's only been regularly attracted to one of them. It's a frustration for her, but I don't think she sees it as excluding her from the straight community. Also, if she tells people about this, they generally don't think she doesn't count as straight, or even that she's weird for it.

    If I were you, I would be very selective about when I use the term "demisexual." It's probably helpful to use within the LGBTQ+ community, where many of us recognize it automatically. Among random straight folks, I'd just say (if you feel the need to explain) that you're straight but you don't really feel much physical attraction until you're already emotionally involved in a person. Straight people might give you funny looks if you identify to them as "demisexual," but not bat an eye at that little bit of explanation.
     
    #2 jargon, Nov 28, 2013
  3. phoenix89

    phoenix89
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    It is a grey-area, but I refuse to identify as queer. I hate when I am called Queer. There is nothing wrong with people using it, I will not, it is not for me.

    I view myself as straight, but I do not experience attraction all that much. There are times, but they are far and in between. I just never guess that I would be a part of the LGBTQ+/GSM spectrum and now that I am, it is struggle.

    I do not always use the term demi, but I have used it and got the strange looks and have been asked to explain what it means, which I have no problem doing. After explaining most people are fine with it. I'm just confused about it. I know this is how God created me, but at the same time. I wish I would have got a heads up about all of this before hand.
     
    #3 phoenix89, Nov 28, 2013
  4. jargon

    jargon
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    I define "queer" as including anyone whose sexuality or gender identity is non-dominant (this is my very broad/liberal definition - most are narrower and less likely to include you, to be honest). If you don't feel that you're a part of the LGBTQ+ community, you don't identify as "queer," and you feel like you basically have access to the same privilege as other straight folks, then I'd say you're not queer. So if you're struggling to place yourself in our community, I certainly don't mean to pressure you into it further.

    It sounds like what you feel you're lacking is the ability to relate and be recognized in the straight community, which it sounds like is where you really identify and belong. Honestly, I feel like lots of straight women experience attraction similarly to how you do, and are just less likely to use a word like "demisexual" to describe it. It's really a word that comes up more often in the LGBTQ+ community, even though LGBTQ+ people aren't really more likely to be that way. We just like coming up with new names for sexualities sometimes, to be honest. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Anyway, straight women like you definitely seem to be out there. I wish I knew what kind of language they were likely to use to describe themselves, so that I could help you find resources related to that.
     
    #4 jargon, Nov 28, 2013
  5. phoenix89

    phoenix89
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    No it is fine, you are not putting pressure on me. I am just trying to work everything out. I do feel like I am lacking the ability to relate. I have always felt slightly different but I didn't know why until recently. That is what I have heard about a lot of straight women. So I think I am less abnormal then I am making it out to be. I am actively involved with my LGBTQ+ community on campus, which is how I found out about it. I was at the queer community dinner the educational program was on Asexuality. Lol, I have heard it as the alphabet soup of terms and letters.

    There really isn't any language besides that they want to wait or don't care or are too busy. But there is the idea that once one has sex this will change.
     
    #5 phoenix89, Nov 28, 2013
  6. Maddy

    Maddy
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    I honestly think a higher percentage of the population are like you than you probably think. I don't call myself demisexual because I personally don't like the label and the way I understand its implications, in relation to myself, but I've never been thought of as weird or unusual because of not feeling attraction to people I'm not close to. Some people have found it odd that I don't have casual sex, but you know what, that doesn't mean there's a problem with me.
     
    #6 Maddy, Nov 28, 2013
  7. phoenix89

    phoenix89
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    I have heard that it is a higher percentage than I realize. A lot of my friends, not all but a lot were hyper sexual and could not understand why I refuse to have sex and why I did not find people all that attractive. At the time I did not know asexuality was a thing. I was just never interested in it. Now that I am in graduate school I am meeting more people who are not hyper sexual and it is rather comforting to know that I am not alone in this.
     
    #7 phoenix89, Nov 28, 2013
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