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Depressed and having doubts now

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by rellex77, Nov 29, 2013.

  1. rellex77

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    I'm new here but have been kind of depressed lately. Earlier this year, I was hit on, very overtly, by a gay man. I was somewhat flattered, but it also made me kind of sad and has made me question my identity sexually. I would not consider myself gay, but after this event happened, I started to question myself and have doubts. Could I be gay...? Maybe. I have overanalyzed why people might think I am, and there is good reason for it; I dress very well, I'm very neat and organized, I wear pink shirts, I'm quite thin. I look a lot like Neil Patrick Harris in fact, though I'm more built like Sheldon Cooper from the BBT. I have nothing against anyone, whatever they may be (I don't care) but it also makes me sad (and confused) too. I'm confused about who I am and the way I come across to people, and I'm sad because this could explain my lack of success with women. I mean, why would they want someone that they think is gay? They want straight men (provided they are straight themselves). I wish I was gay, life would be so much easier. :frowning2: I'm stuck in limbo, I can't be with men or women.

    Another thing that contributes to me possibly being gay is that my ring finger is slightly shorter, or almost the same length as my index finger. I also hate sports and like to look my best, and am pretty romantic and sensitive at times too. I don't mean to sound stereotypical, but this is what women and men think of when they think of the word "gay" (usually, and sadly). I fit the bill for all of these things. I've asked myself, "Am I gay?" I know I sound like it, but am I really? I'm so confused and sad over all this. :frowning2: Please help!
     
  2. SweetNShySam

    SweetNShySam Guest

    Trust me you're not alone in this. A few years ago I was hit on too by woman and I was very ashamed and got deeply depressed. There's been many of times where I used to second guess yourself and try to deny the fact I was bisexual. Now I can understand it must be hard for you however and having doubts I believe is one of those things everyone experiences when they first realize it. You're not alone and I suffered with lots of depression and anxiety too for years. Still to this day I have really bad days and get depressed, but for other reasons. There's nothing wrong with you if you are gay, but I know it can be hard to come out to people. Lots of people are cruel these days and I relate to you cause I'm quite emotional and sensitive too so trust me you're not alone on that. I know this isn't the best advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that your not alone and that I understand how you feel.

    As for helping you: you could write a journal about you're feelings which will probably help you out. It's not good to keep those feelings bottled up inside. And posting on here was great! Glad you came forward and posted about this. You should be proud of yourself, I'm glad your speaking about it. (*hug*)
     
  3. MisterLW

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    I think it all just goes down to who you are attracted to. You didn't really mention having any attraction toward guys. You just mentioned your appearance and personality which, in my opinion, have nothing to do with whether or not you are gay. I'm pretty sure there are a lot of straight guys who try to look good or aren't fond of sports. You were flattered when someone hit on you; that's normal, but are you attracted to him or the fact that he hit on you?

    Being gay is about having sexual/romantic attraction to those of the same gender. It's not about hating sports and looking nice (insert other dumb stereotypes here). So, ask yourself if you are attracted to guys. To me, it doesn't sound like it.
     
  4. YOLO4me

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    I have to ask, when you are pleasuring yourself do you think about men or women, both or something else. I mean this May be a clue to yourself.
    As far as other people, people are so different in lots of ways whether they are gay or straight. Your perfect match will want someone exactly like you, and hopefully the sex will be compatible as well. Good luck, I hope you get some clarity, so you can move in to enjoy a relationship.
     
  5. sam the man

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    Gotta agree with the other posters here. How you dress, act and present yourself really doesn't have much bearing on your orientation. There are flamboyant straight guys as well as flamboyant gay guys, if that's what you were worried about. And the finger relationship seems to be a little tenuous, I saw a lot of posters on here on one particular thread who were "anomalous" with regard to it.

    Your best bet is just to take note of what gender you find yourself thinking about and looking at more. Having said that it's not easy to determine, I reckon a lot of people take a few years before they settle into their true orientation. Just be patient and try not to force anything. Imo the more you try and force answers to your identity, the more elusive the answers become- so my advice is just to sit back, see where your fantasies and attractions take you, and let the answer come in its own time.
     
  6. rellex77

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    Thanks for the replies. Growing up, I was always a shy child and was raised most entirely by all women. I wasn't close with my dad as a kid, or my step-dad. We fought a lot. I was kind of raised like a girl, I guess. Being an only child didn't help much either. The ring digit ratio thing bothers me a lot, because it is science. I checked my dad's hands the other day and his ring finger is way longer than his index finger, whereas mine looks about the same length, maybe even a slight bit shorter than my ring finger. My hands have always been this way. This could explain a lot of my problems with gender and identity. Growing up as a kid, I always had male friends and was pretty close with a lot of them. Nothing physical happened ever, but I did bond with them quite deeply.

    I find I get along much better with men than women, even though I do understand how women think, which is useful.

    I wouldn't really consider myself feminine, but if others are seeing it, it must be so. That definitely upsets me, since that wasn't the image of myself I wished to project. Like I said, that may explain my lack of success with women. I often have thought about how much easier my life would be if I were a woman. I think society really favors women these days, but that's an aside.

    I've never 'done' anything with a guy and it doesn't sound very appealing to be honest. I was once curious, so I decided to look up "gay porn", thinking it might not be so bad, but I wasn't able to watch for more than a few seconds with having to shut it off, it made me feel ill, no offense to anyone I hope. I almost gagged.

    But I do get along much better with men than women, and I was kind of flattered the gay guy hit on me. I'd rather have a good looking gay guy hit on me than an unattractive women. But that could just be an ego thing. I tend to be very passive with girls I am interested in (much like a typically socialized female in our culture), so it is really hard trying to establish any form of connection with a girl I don't know already. Women have it so much easier in this regard I think.
     
  7. sam the man

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    Tbh, I think if you're looking at finger lengths, mannerisms, the way you were brought up etc. you're over-thinking it. To be gay or bi is simply to be attracted to the same gender, nothing more nothing less. The sole thing that should be making you think about whether you are or aren't straight is if you're attracted to other men. My advice is to leave all those other things out of it, because otherwise you just leave yourself with too many variables and questions but no answers. Since you haven't mentioned any signs of being attracted to men, I don't think you should be too worried.

    IMO the best thing to do with this question is just to leave it be because the more you consciously think about it the more distant answers become. It's not a rational or a logical thing which you can reason out; it's something that will resolve itself when ready, and you just have to wait for that to happen. So chill out and just let things happen when they will :slight_smile:.