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dont know anymore.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Yepyep, Nov 30, 2013.

  1. Yepyep

    Regular Member

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    Hi,
    Iam a 34 year old male and I dont exactly what sexuality iam anymore.
    My first kiss was with a boy at age 6. Since then i never thought about boys or girls or sex.
    I just lived as a child growing up. I didnt felt different when i was young and had no crush on my friends or girls.
    Iam a very shy guy and not so confident about my looks,so i never stepped up to a girl to talk or whatever,cause i was ashamed for my nose.(sounds stupid but it its).
    I had only male friends and was just living life .Skateboarding,partying,smoking pot etc etc.When i was 18 i did some sexual things with my best friend and it felt good. I was not in love with him ,but just to get off when i was horny and he did the same. I had a feeling that i didnt need girls anymore cause i was getting off with my friend.
    One day this friend met a woman and left me and we stopped doing sexual things. Like BJ and massages.Since then i never had any realtionships with girls or men. I watched gay porn to masturbate and that was it. It never bothered me what i was.I didnt thought about it till a friend asked me why i never had a girlfriend and Always was single.
    Since that question Iam so depressed and really start questioning if iam really gay. I mean i find girls beautyfull,and sexy and love their smile or shyness.I can fall in love with a woman ,but i dont feel anything sexual by just looking at them. I never had the guts to go and talk to a girl i liked cause of my looks. Did i blocked my sexual attractions towards them cause of all these years of shyness and not confident with my looks?. I felt good with my best friend so i got turned on while we were kissing and all. If i look at pictures or lesbian porn i get aroused a little bit. I really need physical touch to get an errection and to perform.(i went to a prostitute and i got hard). When i see mature older men i think they are handsome and i get aroused if iam thinking to have seks with them. I never fall in love with a men. I feel warmth in my body when iam thinking to have a girlfriend who i love doing romantic things together and share our lives together.I would treat her like my princess and build a family together,but then the gay thoughts come in my mind like I get aroused too by some older men and that iam lieing to her.I would never cheat on her or have a urge to have seks with men when iam with her. Without her i never looked for a gau to have seks. I only masturbate on gay porn and that was it! I get errections if i fantasize over women but i get harder when i think of older men.

    So now iam depressed cause i think iam gay,but feel better when i think of a girlfriend and have a long therm relationship with a girl.It makes me happy. I dont see myself with a men in a relationship,cause i dont fall in love. Its just that i got turned on by thinking to have seks with older men. So iam emotional/romanticly and a little bit sexually attracted to girls and only sexual attracted to older men. Men like Brad Pitt and all that kinda men dont turn me on.Just Older men with a moustache. Can this sexual attraction be created by myself ,cause of the thinks i did with my best friend to get off and now i want to get off again and thats why iam looking for older men,cause iam still not confident by my looks. Girls who talk to me give me a wamr feeling. Sometimes i liked their laugh and sometimes their humor. I fall in love on their personality and get affraid when i think about seks with them cause of my past!

    Iam thinking 24/7 about this the last 3 months since that friend asked me that question.
    I really want a relationship with a girl but iam so afraid to take a step.
    What should i do?? I told my parents and my sisters and some other members in the family about this and they tell me that iam not gay but scared to open up to Girls and thats why i get attracted to men cause i felt confident with my best friend and the sexual things i did with him..

    Thx already i really need some rest in my head. Even in my sleep iam thinking about it.
     
  2. loriam

    Regular Member

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    It's ok if you like one sex, the other, or both! That's what I
    Hear anyway. I like both men and women, and there seem to be
    Days when I like one or the other better. It can be tough, I know
    To understand these feelings. I do not understand them myself.
    It is hard for me to sleep at night too.

    But whatever you feel, you can still be a good person. The people
    On this website seem like they are nice and want to help.

    Maybe someday you will understand what you feel. Maybe someday
    I will understand what I feel.

    Thank you for telling your story! I hope you will will have less problems!

    Take care!
     
  3. Yepyep

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    Thx for your replay.
    I just dont know What to accept! Or to do to get rest and not thinking so much about it.
    When i think iam gay i feel so Sad and depressed and when i think iam living with a girl and get married i feel sort of rest,but then THE gay thoughts enters and i feel Sad again.
    I know i will be a loyal husband and lover her,but THE thought of The gay acts are Back in my head.
     
  4. Yepyep

    Regular Member

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    Hi EC rs,
    I realised that iam attracted to woman emotional/romantic and a little little bit sexual.
    If i get to know the girl better and i feel comfortable i think my attraction will grow. I also like to eat vagina. The thought of it arouses me. But on the other hand. I still find some older men sexual arousing wen i see them. I got more aroused with the thoughts of older handsome men then woman, but with woman i need physicall contact to et aroused and not pictures or lesbian porn( sometimes a little bit).
    I want to date a girl but iam sort of scared to try it out as i dodnt have any relationship with a girl. What should i do! The thought of sharing my life with an nice girl makes me feel so good untill the thoughts of same aex attraction comes to my mind.

    What do you guys think? Shall i try to date? Cause i will never date a guy or have a relation with them. Its just something about those older men what makes me feel aroused.

    Thank already people. Hope someone helps ...