Does this sound lesbian..ish to you?

EDIT: I am so sorry about the NOVEL I WROTE I APOLOGIZE.

Ha, sorry. All lame attempts at humor aside, I'm struggling here. And before you say it, I know that the only person that can figure out my sexuality is me, but I just... want some advice. Okay, so I've dated three guys. I've had a sexual relationship with all three. (And those relationships lasted from 3 months being the shortest, to 10 months being the longest). However, I could count on one hand how many times I've actually had sex. Seriously, I was just never into it. And it's not like they weren't uh, trying. One of them was very attentive to me, but I still just didn't really ever enjoy it. The only time I was kind of into it was once when I was drunk, and once when I pretended it was a girl.

That being said, I get crushes on guys. I mean, not like, "Oh my god, I wanna kiss him! He's so cute, I wanna ___ him." Just like, a, "Wow, he's really hot! (And by that I mean he's aesthetically attractive and probably smells good!) We should hang out and play video games and if I never see him with his pants off or even shirt off I'd be totally fine with that!" and I don't get crushes on girls. WELL. I thought I didn't, until the thought occurred to me that, hey! Gay people EXIST! I grew up in a home where it just wasn't talked about. The first time I heard about anything gay related was when I went to school and they called me a dyke. (I had short hair and a girl best friend.) But I didn't wanna be like that. I mean, what a life of prosecution, who'd want that? (I know that sounds so horrible, but I just really was scared of the idea.)

So then I got it in my head that I could totally be with a girl (namely: my best friend mentioned earlier.) and it would be TOTALLY fine, if I was a boy. So I cut my hair even shorter, and became a quite successful boy! And by that, I mean I dressed like one. No surgeries. And I even sometimes went by a guy's name. My parents did the whole, "Why don't you dress like a GIRL?" pushing thing, but I think they were too afraid to really address the issue, so I got away with a lot. I honestly thought I was trans*, but as time went on, I got a little more comfortable with my body, and the idea that maybe two girls could be together. But it was a long time before I got to a point where I could really dress girly. And I still can, but I still like my doc martens and jeans and button up shirts.

But here's the thing, all gender identity issues in the past. When I think about being with a guy, it's like, uh, whatever? Sucking him off? Ew, gross. I don't want that in my mouth??? But a girl? I mean, I don't know.. I always liked the way girls make noise, and their faces, I just.. never thought about it much. But I'm just afraid that 1) Do I only think it's attractive because I thought about me thinking it might be attractive? and 2) I hear about all these girls that go through this college lesbian phase, could that be what this is? I mean, I've never really cared about the idea of being with a man that way. I just thought girls never really cared about sex. When I was with guys, man, I really trusted the guys, I did. Some of them were really nice (one wasn't, but beyond that). But regardless of how slow they went or whatever, I always felt almost violated if they did anything because I just didn't like it. It felt... wrong. I was really self conscious, I didn't want them looking at me or touching me.. and I didn't want to touch them.


tl;dr: I really think I might be a lesbian or bisexual or just not straight at best and that scares the shit out of me and part of me is afraid it's a phase and part of me is afraid it's not and I don't know which part is more scared.

 

Thank you for your responses! "If you don't want to take a man's pants off, you're gay." Funny response. But yeah, the more I think about it, the more I think that's true. I always brought it up to my mom, thinking I just wasn't doing it right or something. She maintains that "once a guy really pleases me, I'll understand", but I'm starting to really think they can't 'please me' because it's out of their control. I never questioned the rights of LGBT people. From the first day I found out about them (my parents never explained people could be gay until I found out about it at school), I went, "Yeah. Alright, that makes sense! They should totally be treated the same as everyone else. Why are people confused by this?" But for a long time, man! I HATED girls! HATED them. Wouldn't make girl friends (with one exception), listen to girl singers, nothing. Not like it was this outward, "I hate girls" attitude, I just decided that I didn't like their voice, or they were annoying, whatever reason I had at the time. And I think it may have been an internalized homophobic thing because I was called a dyke for years at school, and when I finally let go of that hatred, I realized how much I really don't hate girls at all, and that freaked me out, because looking back, I think I always had an inclination? And I just found it really hard to not be super bitter. I mean, why the hell couldn't I have just been born normal? It was fine for anyone else to be gay, but not me. There was no WAY I was even in the spectrum! NOPE. Straight! Right? I think the hatred of girls was a way of convincing myself. And as I'm getting older, I'm letting go of anger and finding out a lot of stuff, this included. And it is scary because it's very confusing. But I'm so glad I have found online communities like this one where I can finally be scared and confused and freaked out and be able to talk about why with friendly people that feel similar things. So thank you.