So I'm not really used to posting my problems on the internet, but the truth is that there aren't many people i can talk to about this stuff (mostly just because they wouldent take it seriously). Anyway's i have been confused about my sexuality since around grade 12 i think, it would have probably been longer if i had really put any thought into it before that but i dunno i just didn't. I've always felt drawn to gay women (not every one but a lot), and i cant really tell if its in a sexual way but its just like when i meet one i just automatically want to know more about her and feel jealous in a weird way. I went through this whole obsession over my sexuality about two years ago when i was 18, made an online dating account to meet women and everything, and then at one point i even was convinced that i was gay and even told my best friend (whose response was "i knew it"). Then i met my current boyfriend, we had been talking for a while and he just made me feel so comfortable, he's an amazing dude and i love him for sure, but through our entire relationship ive questioned whether im really sexually attracted to him, or if i love him more like a best friend. I started going out with him shortly after i told my friend i was gay, and it was just so nice to have someone to be intimate with since i had been going through a hard time lately. I remember the first time we kissed, he described it as time slowing down it was so good, and ive never told him this but for me, it was just not like that for me, i mean it was nice but i felt no "omg" explosion like everyone talks about, truthfully ive NEVER felt that "explosion" when kissing a man. The thing is i really do enjoy having sex with him, its a lot of fun and it feels good and everything, but i just keep having this nagging feeling like something is missing from it..idk. I think my biggest fear in thinking about this stuff is thinking that im going to hurt him, he knows that i look at women and all that, but i dont really think he knows how confused i am, even though ive talked about it a bit....i just feel like a horrible person for going out with him in the first place when i was so confused. Ive buried the feeling before but it always finds a way to rear its ugly head again. Anyway's now i pretty much just call myself pansexual, like the person is what matters to me, but i still feel this urge to be with a women...i dont know if its sincere or just me thinking that the grass will be greener, the thought of breaking up with him when im not truly sure what i want scares me so much though, i feel so guilty like a total coward, and i also feel like people are supposed to figure this stuff out in highschool, my best friend came out in highschool...im 21 shouldent i already know? Sorry for such a long post, if someone could offer an opinion id really appreciate it
Your age has nothing to do with it. There are plenty of people out there who know from the start what they want, and others who are just figuring out who they are, etc. It's okay, believe me when I say that. Do NOT keep beating yourself up mentally about this. Your human girl and our minds can really go into over drive at times and fuck with us. Try this, and this is something that I'm trying as well . . . don't think, just feel. What do you feel? As in, what does your heart feel? As you mentioned above, that you enjoy sex with your bf but you feel that something is still missing. You even said it yourself, you "feel" that something is still missing. That's because there is something missing and your heart is trying to win over your mind and let you come out so you can live a more happier life. Look, I know being a relationship could be hard. Way harder than any other thing, job, or experience that you will go through in a lifetime. But think about it, wouldn't it be harder to keep dragging on someone you love and are not in love with? Having love for someone is totally different than being in love with someone . . and after reading what you wrote, I believe that you "have love" for him only. Yes his feelings will be hurt, if you ever decide to tell him and break it off . . . but even worse, your the one that will be hurting even more if you keep this relationship going. BTW - a kiss is a powerful feeling, a beautiful sensation. When you feel and love someone, a kiss ignites all those feelings for that person that your in love with . . which in return turns into "passion," and passion is what makes a kiss feel so good. So good, that it will make the smallest hairs on your body rise and bumps as well. If you have yet to experience that with your bf from the start babe, more than likely you never will because he's not the one for you. Sorry for the long comment hun, but go about being who you truly are and even if it means being alone for sometime to figure things out. In the end, it will all come together and you will find that woman in the future who sets off fireworks in your heart One Love, JGirl
