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I wish I meant something to her...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by valkyrieofgodod, Dec 3, 2013.

  1. valkyrieofgodod

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    This is my first thread here . I thought I already got over her but I don't at all . So here is my story :

    She and I we have been best friend since we were 6 . I don't have many friends although I'm really easy to talk to . She's the most important person in my life beside my family . We used to hang out a lot and talk almost everyday on the phone . She's the kind of girl that can't express her feeling . When she felt sad she called me and cried on the phone . I just listened her in silence . Once I said " just let me give you a big hug" . Then I pulled her into me and hugged her so hard . In that moment , I knew that I loved her and wanted to protect her , do everything to make her happy . Then I whispered in her ear " I love you" . She pushed me away and laugh . My mom caught me right at that moment . =)) . She then told me to "not being a lesbian , not being so closed to her" . I know I'm not lesbian , I'm bisexual but I didn't told her anything about it . Time goes by , we both went to the same university but she went to study abroad in China for 2 years . That's when trouble began . I kept calling her on the phone like everyday just to hear her voice . Boy , I missed her like crazy . But she rarely answered my calls or replied my text msgs . So I guessed that she was busy . I waited , waited , waited until she came back from China . She called me to let me know that she was home . But she didn't wanna see me . I was depressed like hell . Then when she decided that we only should just chat around like friends on FB I decided to leave her . It hurts me so bad that I thought I was gonna die . I cried like madman for 3 days every time I opened my eyes . A part of me died and gone . The innocent and pure part that loved her more then anything . Then I picked up the broken pieces and tried my best to get over her . I deleted her FB , yahoo , her cellphone number. Everything was alright until she called me on the phone like crazy saying that what she had done to me was so wrong and I must hate her so much . She ripped all my scars open and it started bleeding but I felt numb . I laughed and said I never could hate her but it doesn't matter anymore . I also said we were still friends so she could call me anytime if she needs to talk or anything . The truth is I still feel hurt as hell , but somehow I kept hoping that she still needs me , that I'm still a part of her life . She remains to not want to see me . I keep pretending that nothing happens .

    Yesterday she called me on the phone saying she needed me to help her find a book as a gift for her boss that she has a crush on . I acted cool telling her I would try to help her get him . I didn't even know what the hell I was talking about . I could just tell her where to buy that damn book but I buy it and tell her to come get it . Then I feel like shit . I can't stop crying since yesterday . I know she only calls me when she needs something from me . I feel hopeless and depressed because of that but somehow I still feel happy that I can do something for her... I know I'm nothing but something she can use . I just wish I could get over her . Please give me your opinions . I know I'm stupid . I'm thinking about coming out to her to make me disgust me . Then I will never hear from her again . Is it a good idea???
    P.S : Sorry for my bad English >.< .
     
    #1 valkyrieofgodod, Dec 3, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2013
  2. Darren18

    Darren18 Guest

    lol your english is not bad is very good
    but didnt you told her already, i had a bisexual girlfriend once, she was kinda very direct when she dated other girls as she told me, like didnt feared to be rejected but i guess vary between one person and the other, and your not stupid sounds like you are really in love with her since forever, i say you should try out one more time and say it to her, if she doesnt feel the same way then just take a break
     
  3. valkyrieofgodod

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    thanks Darren I think I will do it when I see her . I should post this thread on Family, friends
    and relationship I supposed
     
  4. valkyrieofgodod

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    Well I know exactly what I need to do but I just can't . I'm sitting here crying like crazy girl at 1.am . I just can't help it . I called her on the phone earlier to come out and make her disgust me as I planned before . But first I asked her why she didn't wanna see me . She refused to answer just like before . I lost my control and screamed on the phone " I hate you for that feeling . I don't need these feeling anymore . I don't care what the hell it is . Please just get out of my life" Then I cried again . She called me later and suddenly she said that she was so stressed out and had depressing disorder because her ex was death . I was so shocked . She lied to me all this time saying they broke up because he went to the US and all . She had a real hard time 2 years ago. I had no ideal about all the pain she had to deal with . All I ever done is blame her . Damn me ! Then I decided to come out to her . I told her all about my feelings and all . She said I needed to go to some psychologist to fix it . I tried to remind her all the time I said about my feeling . And the poem i wrote for her. Then she said even the bisexuality is real she still just takes me as her friend , nothing more. I said ok and tried to act like I was really ok about it . I still love her but i cant do anything for her . How can I move on when she suffers like that???
     
  5. Darren18

    Darren18 Guest

    valk i think you had two plain options now, rather just accept her as friend if you want to continue being there for her, and slowly go forgetting about those feelings towards her more than friendship ones, or either you just let it go at once, since you told her you tried that again, if you continue trying to do it you are only gonna get more harmed i think since she she said she doesnt share the same thoughts and that about going to a psychologist i dont get it, i dont see a reason to it is your feelings not a disease, well but you have to decide of course, hugs
     
  6. valkyrieofgodod

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    Thanks Darren , I think it's no way I can stay friend with someone I love that much . So I know I gotta let her go . The point is I can't do as I say . =)). I get obsessed with her or something like that . She said I needed fix because she thinks me being bisexual is a kind of depressing disorder I'm trying to "fix" myself you know .I keep repeating in my head that it's just friendship and I'm not bisexual . =)). I know very well that it's not true . I knew I love this girl and that I'm attracted to girls before I knew about bisexuality . Who am I kidding ? =)) . Loving her is the most natural feeling I've ever had . I just wanna break free from this pain now . So I wish I could be just straight ... Ahhh !!!
    Honestly , I know exactly what I need to do , I need to get over her and move on . I will try harder and harder to do that . I gotta stop crying first ! ^^
     
  7. Darren18

    Darren18 Guest

    yes i think thats a good idea valk, and dont bring yourself down, that kind of things happens with crushes and all, it happens when you are straight as well is not uncommon, hope the best for you :slight_smile:
     
  8. valkyrieofgodod

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    You're right Darren , I just don't think it's a crush because it havent gone since i could remember . I just wish I was straight . I don't wanna like girls anymore . It causes me a lot pains and never go away easily . But it's who I'm . Maybe I should start open up for guys more and see if they can make me feel safe as much as I feel for girls .
     
  9. JGirl6891

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    I wouldn't come out to her, if all the signs are there that she tends to disappear whenever you tell her you "love her" or "care for her." I know it hurts right now, but just imagine how much it will hurt even more if you do tell her and her reaction is not what you want it to be?

    Some things, are just best left alone. As cliché as it sounds, really though. You have to look out for #1, and that's YOU not her.

    Give it some time hun. Take on something that will keep you busy like work, volunteer, something fun . . to let the time go faster and keep your mind occupied off of her. Time will heal your heart babe, and eventually that girl of your dreams will come and your friendship with her will remain the intact.
     
  10. Darren18

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    i agree, for me usually keep me busy is to write stories or play games or being on my fantasy head world specially when im alone lol
     
  11. wanderinggirl

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    I know it's hard to let a friend go in a time of hardship and hurt, but the fact of the matter is that she did not reach out to you in this time of hurt, and she subsequently hurt you and lied to you. I know you care about her, but she has not shown the same level of care to you. This friendship is toxic to you.

    The same rule applies to friendships and relationships: if you find yourself crying over little things and feeling awful every time you talk to the other person, GTFO. Because true friendship does not require one-sided sacrifice.

    Maybe you'll find a girl you like as much as more than her, who treats you well; maybe you'll find a guy. You can't force yourself to prefer one over the other. In the meantime: let her go, hun. She's not worth the pain.
     
  12. valkyrieofgodod

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    You are right . I shouldnt have come out to her but I did . Silly me . >.<. All her ever told me was I might get a sorta disorder and need a psychologist to fix it . lol. That's all I ever get from her after all this time... I just wish I could be fixed . So I try to repeat to myself that it's nothing but friendship and that I'm straight. lol. It hurts so much that I wanna give it up , the part of me that love girls . I never had any confuses about it , it's something very natural to me. I knew I liked girls long before I knew about bisexuality . It's a part that I always treasure . But right now , for the first time in my life , I wanna be just "normal" . Is it possible that because sexuality is fluid , someday i will turn straight ? lol.


    Haha I do the same, reading , writing , specially wandering in my fantasy world inside my head . =))

    I know girl , this "friendship" is toxic to me . I lied to myself too, thinking that I only wanna be someone who cares for her in silence and want nothing back while the truth is I want so much more from her . I can't lie to myself anymore. That's why I came out to her. And she even doesnt care a tiny bit about my feeling or all the pain I have been through . So I have to let her go . She's definitely not worth the pain .

    Thanks you guys so much for all the replies and understanding you share with me . I can't tell how much they mean to me . ^^ . I just wish I had a friend in real life like you guys here . ^^
     
  13. wanderinggirl

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    Good for you, valkyrieofgodod. I raise a toast to you finding less toxic friendships in the future.
     
  14. valkyrieofgodod

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    Thanks wanderinggirl , actually I have some closed friends . I consider myself a good friend , ya know . Just this so called friendship causes me a lot pains . I stop fooling myself and now I feel real good . Hehe.
     
  15. Rachel Kar

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    Hi,
    You didn't mention that you have ever in love with any boy except that girl, how can U be sure that u're bi?
    With your case, I think you should avoid her, try your best to not call, not text, not answer her call anymore cause she just uses you. I guess she could recognize you love her more than a normal female friend but still ignore your feeling and even hurt you when asking you to help her to make impression on her boss.
    I've just had a crush on a girl for the first time of my life. At first, I really like her as a friend and want to get close to her. But then she starts flirting as men usually do to the women they like. I am scared but curious to find out if she and me re les or bi or just curious. I have many sleepless nights to decide what to do. Then I try on flirting back with her but she seems to be hard to understand. She just approaches me when we meet in person, not initially calls or texts or asks me out after work. She doesn't even treat me as a friend but just someone she just know a little. I'm so hurt and think that I misread her signals and mistake my own feeling as well. Then I try not to call, text or meet her anymore. Now I can gradually get over that crush.
    It's not too hard to stop loving sb who doesn't love you back. Don't hurt yourself and waste time on sb who uses you. Time will cure your pain.
    Good luck girl!
     
  16. valkyrieofgodod

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    Thanks Rachel Kar , you're absolutely right about my case . I'm doing exactly what you said , stop contacting her in every single way . About your question " how I know I'm bi ?" I'd say I just know it . I enjoy being with a guy and the thoughts that he will protect me make me feel real good and safe . I also love man physically you know , the way he smells , the way he hugs me with his arms and his board shoulder and all . But at the end of they day , something will hold me back from having a serious relationship with a guy . I get scared that he's gonna cheat or he just want sex and stuff like that . I feel more more safe and peaceful around women . It takes me a long long time to trust a man , but maybe I will fall for a man again if he can love me like a woman . Hehehe.
     
  17. Rachel Kar

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    Maybe the way I feel for guy as the same as you do. That's why this time I fall for a girl who is sweet and caring to me. But in the end, I think we are not bi or les at all. We just have no trust in men and find it safe and comfortable with women then we mistake our sexual orientation. Anyway, take it easy and wait for our Mr Right!
     
  18. valkyrieofgodod

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    I don't think I'm straight because I feel sexual attracted t both men and women once I start to trust them and emotional attracted to them . I love curvy girls with nice boobs , long hair and all . Sometimes I take bath together with girls and want to play with their boobs so bad that I tried to "check" them innocently . =)) . Girls here do that all the time . Hehe. . =)). And I'm obsessed with Angelina Jolie . *holds my heart* . I wish someday I could be straight, though . You're right , I have less trust in men than in women . But I think I can if I open up more to them and not so picky on them . Hehe . It all comes down to the personality , not the gender I think . Let's hope for the best Rachel !!
     
  19. Rachel Kar

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    It is weird to me to bath or changing clothes in front of others even though i wonder how it feel if playing with others'boobs. The only woman i play boobs is my mother when i was a child.haha
     
  20. valkyrieofgodod

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    Aww, I don't find it strange at all . I check out" girls all the time and find it so natural . It's fun to take bath with other girls . You should try sometimes .

    Anyway , I guess my case is closed now . Everything is sad and done . I'm so ready to move on . ^^