I'm getting really depressed and am getting worse. I can't seem to figure out my sexuality and it's all I think about. I seem to fall somewhere in the bi category, but I'm not sure. I'm married to a man who I love a lot, but every time I let the feelings in about women I don't seem to like him so much anymore. But when I get busy (like working and socializing) my feelings for men seem to come back and feelings for women are bullshit. I've been with both genders and at that time being with a women was more of a curiosity thing. Women did and do turn me on but things are missing during sex. Being with a man is incredible until I start thinking I'm gay again and I lose my focus. I also seem to cling onto to every single woman I get close to. Yesterday, I spent the majority of the day thinking about being in a relationship with my best friend then I spoke to another friend and I can't her off my mind. Tomorrow will be the next woman I speak to. I also have a job that requires people to wear minimal clothing and I feel like I'm constantly checking out all the women. It's very distracting and depressing. When I get like this, I lose my attraction to men including my husband. Also when I think about being with a woman I get super excited and can't concentrate on anything in my life (kids, eating, work, husband, etc) but the funny thing is that in real life it's not that exciting (when I tried it before) - eventually the excitement of meeting someone new wears off and I get really bored. And then comes a gender issue. I'm usually very femme because I wanted to attract men, but now I feel like I have no gender and I don't wanna be girly anymore. But then when I dress "boyish" and I see an attractive guy when I go out I feel embarrassed and I avoid him. I just don't know what do to anymore and I feel like I'm going crazy all the time.
I sometimes feel the same way. I am predominantly a more femme gay man, but I have been attracted to girls on rare occasions, and it definitely can cause me anxiety. I think this anxiety, for me, is more about how I think of things in categories. In reality, gay, lesbian, straight, bi, pansexual, and all orientations are categories that we have developed to talk about our experiences. Very few people are 100% Gay or straight or anything for that matter. You may be feeling like you don't know where you fit because the categories don't seem to fit you. I have felt that many times. You are not screwed up or crazy, the system that we use to label ourselves is messed up. It might be helpful to try to stop categorizing yourself as femme, or whatever else you have categorized as, rather know that you are not able to be labeled and that is okay. I don't know if that will help you or not, but when I have felt this way, this is what helps me. I wish you peace in finding out more about yourself.
Thanks for your response Motto. I just don't know how to live like this. I'm am constantly thinking about women I meet to the point where I can't pay attention to my family, and when I do get that person off my mind, I'm back to loving my husband again. And this exciting feeling is really annoying. This just keeps happening, I don't even eat, sleep, etc...
This is a normal reaction to realizing you may not be who you thought you were. None of us know ourselves 100% and everyday we find out new things about our identity. You just have to hold on and remind yourself that someday you will understand. You are something special and someday it will all make sense.
