Hello.

Hello anyone reading, Cadwell21 here. So let me start out with just thanking anyone willing to help me out.

So I come from a very small town of <300 people and so everyone knows everyone or is related to mostly, and everyone is religious; I am an atheist, and there for a bit of an outcast already. Growing up wasn't so bad, sure High School I was picked on a bit, can't really remember why, probably something to do with Pokemon, but whilst in middle school, I noticed something very interesting going on, dating. This intrigued me and I had about 3 girlfriends for about a day or less each, after that I quit dating since it seemed silly and stupid. I knew something was different about me whilst in Jr. High. Everyone was dating each other, and or starting to have sex and this made me disgusted. Not too long after that, I was introduced to the first gay man in my school, Ethan. He was already a junior, so I never talked to him, but that was my first experience into the gay world. I thought deep down I must be gay, but I was never attracted to either sex, and around my junior year, my friend introduced me to the word Asexual, which after some research this was a revolution; everything started to make since and I was happy. Yet, after graduating high school and going off to college, my views started to make less since, being in such a sexualized world, porn often came up on my roommates computer and it was nasty at first, but this intrigued me, since I had never masturbated, some asexual's like me have and do masturbate, but long after my first wanking; straight porn seemed to do nothing for me, and I was intrigued by watching others, but nothing really appealed me anymore, I soon stopped and joined my college's GSA. This was really great, I have made so many friends, and not too long after that, they invited me over and we started watching gay movies and what not, and soon gay porn was what kept me feeling normal, since I don't experience sexual attraction, no one ever seems "hot" enough to do anything, all I ever see is another person. A few months passed and those friends went away, but new ones came around and, there was this guy that came into the GSA, and for some reason, something felt very, very different, I seemed to be having a crush for the first time to another guy, and currently he has a boyfriend with my other friend from the GSA, and I still having feeling for him, but I can't tell if they are sexual or romantic, and this damn crush is giving me a hard time, and I don't like it sometimes, but sometimes I do, because I feel like I'm finally going to be full on happy. We are still friends, I talk to both of them almost every day, and I constantly embarrass myself either talking to him or in front of him. I know I like him, but I don't know if I could ever bring myself to either date or have sex with another person, because it just seems so odd to me, even still. As of right now, I consider myself and Homoromantic Asexual, but I don't feel like this fits me, and I know coming out to my parents would be easier to just say that I'm gay, but nothing seems to fit right or I'm confused too much from this crush, that I am unable to think straight anymore, so I would like to know what everyone else things, and please be nice, I never intended to offend anyone if I did.:bang:

 

I would like to try dating, but I have no idea, where to begin. I do know that they are taking another guy on a blind date, tomorrow, but I always feel embarrassed that I'm so new to everything, like they will try to tell me very sexualized jokes or pun, and I literally have no idea what they are talking about. I still feel very asexual, but it seems like the more time I spend with them the more comfortable I am, even though I still don't experience sexual attraction or not to that extent. I am hoping at some point, I will finally feel "normal," and get passed this blockade confusing the hell out of me.