Hi, I'm straight, or at least I thought I was. I'm single and in my early 30s and I'm in therapy after a long period of depression and I'm trying to heal myself by connecting with my inner child and other parts of myself I've walled off since childhood. I've always been quite conservative and reserved, even repressed in how I act in all areas of my life. Recently therapy has been focused on taking the locks off of my behaviour and allowing myself to do things that I want to do and be who I want to be. This has led me here. I've never been able to allow myself to explore my sexuality before and I'm starting to do that. I could use some help interpreting things. I've never found men physically attractive. I've never had any sexual experiences with men, kissed men, or had 'moments' or anything of the like. I do remember a small handful of situations where I'd be really uncomfortable around gay men (tingles/heartrate) where I believed they were attracted to me, which I put down to being sensitive and having decent gaydar. Now in terms of porn and fantasies, I've been attracted to transgender porn for ages. I enjoy the idea of being submissive and having one of these women take me. (I'm aware that the vast majority of ladies who go through transition aren't interested in being the active partner and don't associate with their male parts). I've also rarely fantasised about wearing women's clothing and being the passive partner that way. Gay porn does nothing for me. I've realised recently that I'm really attracted to dominant women. I really get off on anal play where I'm the submissive partner and it turns me on much more than PiV sex. I'm not sure if I think that I'd be more likely to get those needs met from men or what. I've always been more shy and submissive and my relationships with women have suffered as a result. What's the best way of exploring this? Go hook up and kiss a guy and see how I feel? The idea is pretty scary because of what it would mean if I got off on it. I was freaking out in therapy the other day at the idea of being gay because it would mean a massive change in my identity and I'm ashamed at the thought of it due to internal judgment. Is it possible to be gay/bi, but have that part of you so suppressed that you don't get turned on at all by looking at men (or gay porn)? Has anyone else here been through the cliche of going to therapy and then all of a sudden being attracted to men? Anyway I'd appreciate any advice and especially would like to hear from anyone that's been in a similar position.
I apologize, I've not been in a similar position so I am not speaking from personal experience. Purely from the outside looking in. I believe you might to search a bit more into BDSM pornography. It seems like you gain pleasure from being submissive and being dominated. While it could be that you are repressing your homosexual urges due to your psyche not being able to handle to repercussions it might well just not be that. As a male being 'on top' is typically seen was being dominant, examples include as looking down at someone, how top in gay colloquial is a term for the penetrator. While being in the bottom is the opposite. If you are submissive and want to be dominated with a dash of a light humiliation mayhap, it seems that anal sex is the medium. I say this because because even look at the gay community, sometimes bottom is used a slight way to put down someone. The typical position for anal sex is on your back, showing your belly to the other person while you let them take their pleasure while you enjoy the act. If we keep going through this root it means that you specially look for transgender because they are a women, which you are sexually attracted to, yet they as a man they might have the dominant trait which is portraying as being strictly masculine. Wearing women's clothing, as women are typically seen as the more submissive of the two genders, will also make sense. The other vein is that you are a homosexual yet are using things that you are comfortable or preconceptions that you know to make yourself used to the idea. As I'm sure other will say this I'll leave it to others to elaborate. Edit: I would recommend going to a BDSM club, like Paddles in NYC, to explore this part if you wish. I apologize as I do not know much about going about meetings guys.
Thanks for your reply. I've recently admitted to myself that I'm submissive and had to work through some baggage because it didn't fit my internal picture of 'what a man is'. I don't know if I've latched onto the idea of being gay because it means I would be more likely to get my needs met in that community (eg proconceptions). I don't look at men and go 'wow he's cute'. I had a moment the other day where I was fantasising about what it would be like to kiss a naked man and have sex with him. I was concentrating more on the emotions surrounding the act and how I 'felt' about it, rather than what I found was hot by looking at the situation. My heart started hammering and I got a slight erection, but it felt more like a panic attack than strong attraction. I've never had a reaction like that from looking at a wide variety of gay porn. In psychological terms, arousal is arousal. Erections are sometimes triggered when guys get really angry for instance. I'm not sure it was actual attraction, but fear about what being gay would mean. I'm juggling with the idea that I'm obsessing over this (HOCD).
