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In need of some help...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by blackandwhite, Dec 7, 2013.

  1. blackandwhite

    Regular Member

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    Hello, everybody.


    First off, let me start by saying how amazing I think it is that a community like this exists... God knows I find myself in need of somebody to talk to right now, and I am not sure that I feel comfortable addressing some of my issues with people I know in real life just yet. If I have those needs, then surely others do too.

    Here is my story... I am a 22 year old guy. As embarrassing as it may seem for me to admit, I suppose I am technically a virgin. I have never had sex with a female or a male. I dated the same girl most of my high school life (I graduated in 2010.) Our relationship was not the greatest to say the least.

    I have always found myself looking at both guys and girls, and I have found myself physically and mentally attracted to members of both sexs before. As I stated before I have never actually had sex, however there is a guy that I have been friends with for years that is openly bisexual, and I have known for a few years now that he has been attracted to me. It's been a "joke" for some time. I don't mean "joke" in a derogatory sense at all, so I hope nobody finds that offensive.

    For awhile he and I were hanging out quite often, and one day he started making quite a few sexual advances towards me. Nothing forceful or anything that really made me "uncomfortable" exactly, however for some reason I found myself really nervous. Not because of the things he was saying to me (He was basically joking, because he figured I was not attracted to him in the same ways that he was to me), but I found myself nervous because I actually started thinking about some of the things he was saying, I guess.

    I kept asking him when his sister was leaving for work so that we could go to his house. For whatever reason I felt like I wanted to be alone with him in his house. Eventually we went by and she was gone so we went inside and up to his room. We were just hanging out as usual and he kept making sexual remarks jokingly (I am trying my best not to say anything too... Vulgar or whatever.) And, well... While we didn't have sex I did let him do some other stuff. Long after he stopped making remarks and such I told him he could do certain things. After it happened he took a shower and walked back into his room, where I was, fully naked and I found myself turned on. I did like what happened between us and the feelings that came with it, but after it happened I felt one hundred times more confused.

    He and I haven't really spoken since then, and that was probably nearly a year ago at this point. Ever since I have been struggling to find myself. I still find myself attracted to women, but I also find myself looking at men quite often and thinking back to what happened between that guy and myself and picturing it. I have found myself thinking about some of the stuff he did to me and I think about doing them to him. I also don't really know if it's a common feeling, and I hope not to seem to... weird, for lack of a better term, but I always wish that I was born a girl.

    While I keep talking about my thoughts towards guys, that doesn't mean that I don't ever think about sex with a girl too. I do, but I've never had any sort of sexual encounter with a girl before. That is the only actual sexual experience I have ever had, and I feel like that may have something to do with my confusion, but I just don't know how to deal with everything going on in my head right now.

    I apologize for the long rant and I would appreciate anybody willing to talk with me or give me any sort advice possible.

    Thanks!
    -Jadon
     
    #1 blackandwhite, Dec 7, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 7, 2013
  2. StephenSC

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    Hello mate. I must say I'm glad this community is here as well, it's nice to know that you are not alone in your thought, fears and feelings. Even if at time you can't get direct answers for things, feeling connected is a huge help.

    Though I'm not exactly sure what you are seeking advice on, I will provide some thoughts. I assume your just trying to piece together who are more than anything specific?


    First off, 26 year old virgin here, so there's no need to be embarrassed about that. I've recently started to wonder about my sexuality after finding myself strongly attracted to a guy, for the first time after a lifetime of been mildly interested in girls. I, like you, am both physically and mentally/emotional attracted to males and females. It's because of that, I think I could be Bi-sexual (Possibly Gay because of the feelings I'm having for this guy being so much stronger then with any girls)

    The point I want to make is I'm not really willing to categorise myself as such until I've actually tried to form a romantic/sexual relationship with both a guy and girl and have the experience of knowing how it makes me feel. Or at least until I've decided to whom I want to seek enduring bonds. And I'm completely ok with being on the fence at the moment. The way I see it is that is allows me twice the chances of finding love!

    That's a completely personal thing, the reason I bring it up is because I think it may be a simular spot to what your finding yourself in. All I can say is try not to worry about your "label", just be happy. I know in time things will become clear for me, I'm not actively trying to find out. Sometimes I will wonder, but for the most part I lose no sleep over it.

    If you really feel the need to know, put yourself out there more and try find someone you have strong feelings for to have a relationship with, either male or female. Doing that might help you understand yourself a bit better.

    Also, I think (no experience) being nervous during your first sexual experiences is a completely normal thing! I also think the confusion that came after is normal as well. The fact you didn't worry, or at least mention worrying about it being with another guy makes me think you've got a lot of options ahead of you.

    One thing I'm curious about though, if you don't mind me asking. Any idea why you to stopped being friends after that? Did you find yourself pulling away because it was awkward? Or did he? Something else?


    So yeah, I hope that sort of helps you, at least just by knowing your not alone in your questioning. Try not to worry, when the time is right you will find the person who will make you sure.
     
  3. Journey84

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    I am new here and grateful for this community as well. My first sexual encounter was much younger and with a male (I'm 29 now but was 15 when I "fooled" around). I as well was afraid, and nervous that I was being "hit on" by a guy but I certainly didn't let it prevent me from allowing the action to happen. Of course afterwards was awkward and I remember not talking for a while as well until it happened again and again. I later was with a girl sexually and never got the fulfillment or desire to go back as must as I did with the first man. Go figure.....confusing as hell, right? However, as I have gotten older and wiser might I add, I think It was completely normal and almost grateful that I went through those situation. Today, I'm starting to find myself more and more (although I am only out to a few people). But if it wasn't for those feelings, and the awkward moments, and me testing the waters, I'm not sure I would have come to grips (finally) with myself.

    I as well had a few girlfriends too along the way, none of which were healthy relationships to say the least. If I could go back, I would apologize to those ladies and just tell them I was trying to figure myself out along the way (not sure that would help...lol).

    I wish you luck my man. Know that there are NO rules to this. There is no manual on how things should be done.

    I am curious too if it was you who didn't want to talk to him again after your bedroom experience or was it him? Maybe you were each others "first"?
     
  4. blackandwhite

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    I thank both of you for your responses, truly!

    You both asked why he and I lost touch after our experience. It's tough to say. really... As I said I was feeling extremely confused afterwards. I left a short time after and we continued to talk via text for a little while, and then eventually our conversations just stopped completely.

    It's my understanding that he started seeing another guy shortly after, and maybe even some time before our experience. I don't think they were exclusive and I didn't know at the time. However, I can't say that is the only reason, I did feel myself pulling away slightly each time we spoke. Not because I didn't want to talk to him, I just didn't know what to say to him or how to act towards him, I suppose.

    I had heard from a few common friends that we shared (they don't know about what happened between he and I, at least not to my knowledge) that he may have been angry with me over the fact that we had lost touch, but that was some time ago. I tried to text him explaining my feelings to some degree but he never said anything to me.

    I was not worried about it at all as it was happening, like JassonSC mentioned. In fact, I am the one who sort of initiated it... I still can't really explain it, but I just felt like I wanted it to happen at that moment, with him.

    Thanks again for your comments!