Late Bloomers Please Help Hello everyone I just want to say Hi and say that I am so happy this forum exists. I’ve already looked at so many threads and related to so many people but I feel as if I need to throw my own situation out there and get some advice. Warning: This is kinda a long story and I apologize in advance lol, Thank You to anyone who reads my story Ok so as the title says I consider myself a late bloomer when it comes to my sexuality. Only about a year and a half ago did I even start to masturbate and when I did it was purely for the feeling not to the idea of sex with a girl or guy or anything like that, like I said just for the feeling. Really I never gave sex or sexual activities any thought up until this past June when this girl really became interested in me. In all honesty I really didn’t look at girls or guys up until this past June. I’ve always just been preoccupied with other interests and aspects of life. What happened was that I met a girl at a party I went to, we will call her Jane. She was with her boyfriend at the party but wasn’t really with him, she came with him but kept her distance the whole time. As the night went on I got to know her and could tell she was interested in me and by the end of the night I got her number. I saw her for the next few months and at first I was really excited, I mean for over a year before we met I was beginning to feel lonely as most of my friends were finding girlfriends and I still had yet to have my first. I really wanted someone to be with and always told myself that I would find a girl someday. The idea of me being gay never crossed my mind as a serious thought up until this past August which I will get to later. We quickly moved on from just talking and holding hands to kissing goodbye and then making out. This is how far the relationship went though. I mean I liked her, she was good looking and she had an upbeat view on things. As time went on though I began to feel uncomfortable around her and the initial excitement of being with her wore off. In the beginning I was turned on when she would be all over me making out but then it became less and less enjoyable till at one point it felt like a chore knowing she would want to be intimate with me and I wouldn’t look forward to seeing her. I began making up excuses and didn’t really want to see her. I knew after the first month that it just wasn’t working out. I know relationships can be awkward in the beginning as you first get to know someone but this just didn’t feel right as time went on. I was having way too much anxiety about seeing her and I knew she wanted to go further with me but I just wasn’t comfortable with it. As a matter of fact there were several occasions where I know she wanted to straight up have sex with me but I had no desire to. I know this as a fact because I talked to some of my friends later about those instances and she told them she was getting pissed that I wasn’t making a move and becoming more distant the closer she got. This relationship continued on for about 3 month till about mid-august and all this time I was filled with anxiety and just didn’t really know why I didn’t want to have her as a girl friend or go any further with her. This continued until I saw something one day that changed my whole train of thought. My openly gay friend liked a photo on Facebook and as I was strolling through the newsfeed I saw it and it stopped me dead in my tracks. It was simply a photo of two guys making out and something about it made me just stop and stare. That was when the idea first came into my mind that omg I might be gay. I then noticed myself really admiring a friend of mine who fits the description of my type of guy. From that point on I began to explore the idea, first looking up more photos, then videos and finally porn and realized it was a big turn on. Like I said before, when I first began masturbating, only like a year ago, it was only to the feeling and this was the first time visual stimulation really turned me on. As a matter a fact it is the only kind of porn I watch, I tried hetero porn a few times but idk it just doesn’t have the same wow factor to me. I feel as if I could get off to it but it takes more effort. I eventually just kinda stopped talking to Jane and she just moved on as we stopped talking, and that’s another thing, it doesn’t bother me one bit that a girl who was so eager to have sex with me is now out of the picture and I could care less. I know most guys would love to have been in my position and some of my friends kept telling me “she wants the D, what are you waiting for!” Now I’ve been living with the mindset that I’m gay, bisexual, or at the very least bi curious. When I first told myself that there is a strong chance that I could be gay I was actually really excited. I felt like I finally found the reason why things were just so awkward between me and Jane. As time went on, I kept watching more videos, checking out guys, and finding my idea of an attractive guy going from a very specific type to a much broader spectrum of who I thought was good looking. The idea of oral sex between me and another guy doesn’t seem unrealistic and if I met someone who I really connected with and got to know over time I can imagine trying anal. I mean I even had my first crush (I guess you can say it was a crush since I never really fancied anyone in the past like I did this guy) on a guy in my class this semester at school. I mean from day one when I saw him I thought he was cute and as time went on I just wanted to jump out of my seat run up to him and hug him and squeeze him so hard lol. I have had sexual fantasies about him on occasion and have dreamed about him. As a matter a fact I can recall quite a few dreams lately where I have checked out guys and made out with them. Making out with guys has become a big fantasy of mine lately and I do day dream about it. The big problem with myself is that I overthink things and think of ways that I can screw things up that I like and enjoy. Like I keep wanting to meet a guy and try dating him but I’m terrified of not enjoying it and discovering that maybe I’m not really gay but instead I just convinced myself that I am. This would put me back at square one, confused as all hell and wondering why I don’t really want to or enjoy dating woman. I don’t entirely believe this is the case though because this all seems way too much for me to have just convinced myself without some serious evidence to back up why I think I’m gay. Another problem with myself is my impatience lol, I’m the kind of guy who when presented with a problem will go online and look into the issue relentlessly until I find the answer and this seems to be a problem that only time will reveal the answer to. I guess what I’m asking for is what to do now. I’ve talked to four of my closest friends about it already and all have been very supportive. One of them I had a three hour conversation about it with him and that helped me relax so much as it eased some fears I began to have about other people accepting me. I mean my group of friends is really close and one of them is openly gay and no one has any problem with it, of course there are the occasional jokes but ball busting is just part of our group. Ironically, I have yet to talk to my gay friend about this lol, I know, most people would have went to him first in my situation but for some reason I’m almost a little afraid to. I did meet him through another friend and I only see him a few times a month so he isn’t a really a close friend but I defiantly trust him. The only people who I’m truly afraid of talking to about this would be my parents. They are very open minded but I just can’t shake the idea that I would be disappointing them. Without a doubt I’m not gonna let other people stop me from being me but what I want is for me to be sure of what I feel before I do it. So I’m just unsure of what to do next, I mean all of this happened so fast, from me meeting Jane in June and thinking “ok let’s give dating a shot” to where I’m at now having crushes on guys and imagining having a boyfriend, I just don’t know my head is spinning and trying to figure out my orientation has just been stressing me. Once again Thank You so much for taking the time to read this, I’m just looking for help.
Better late than never. Just explore whatever feels natural and see where things go. If the anxiety is getting in your way you may want to talk to someone about that.
Thanks for taking the time Biwinning to read this, yea I do agree that I need to talk it out a bit more however just writing it all down in this thread has actually been a big help. Just being able to see everything laid out in front of me makes it more clear. I think I know what the next step for me should be and that is to speak to my openly gay friend abut it since he is the only person I know who I could speak to in person that would have any idea of what this has all been like. Still idk why I'm more nervous to talk to him about it than my other friends but I guess its time to go for it when the situation presents itself.
That's funny you say that--this week I'm gonna grab dinner and drinks with a friend who's openly gay and has also dealt with a lot of the same anxiety issues as I have. He'll be the first person in KY that I'm gonna come out to, and I'm a little nervous, but I feel like if there's anyone who will understand it's him. Keep talking, keep exploring. And I and the rest of us on EC are here for you if you're struggling.
stop worrying so much! you're 21, go to a gay club, explore yourself and your sexuality, the time is now
I totally relate to the whole nervous feeling, I'm gonna muster up the courage to talk to my friend about my issue and I wish you the best, Thanks
You sound about the exact same as me. Actually the similarities are frightening. I thought I was totally straight till the beginning of August this year. I saw a picture on whisper if you know what that app is and the background was of a really hot guy or two guys making out (idk which) and the text over it said, "I'm gay just means I find this more attractive than girls." And I was just like: wow this is me. I guess I'd known I found guys physically pleasing to look at, but I didn't think I was sexually attracted to them. So, I began researching about every gay topic imaginable on the internet, especially "what makes people gay," but when you start coming across sources like "Christian science" it kinda puts a damper on that. So, after much thought a few weeks later I told my best friend, an ex gf who sounds very similar to yours (she was smart, pretty, and wanted to f*** my brains out, but I had no desire to and dating her felt like a major chore after the first week), and she was super supportive. I then told my other close friends I knew would be supportive and etc. Most recently I told my sister. She was the first family and it went super well besides the fact that she doesn't entirely believe it I think because she keeps asking me if I'm sure which is annoying, but w/e. Anyways about not being sure. I had this feeling too for a while. Honestly, what helped me get past it the most was time. It took me a while to get used to the thought of myself being gay. I gave myself little tests like googling "hot guy" and "hot girl" and seeing which one I found more attractive. It always led me to the gay conclusion lol. At first, I wasn't sure if I was bi or gay or what, but after time and thinking, I know that I am gay.
Wow, omg your story is so similar to mine, especially when you mentioned those little tests you were giving yourself such as googling "hot girl" or "hot guy" because I've done the same thing countless times now and I seem to find that i'm just turned on more by guys over girls by a majority. Thank you for telling me your story and yes I do agree with you that time is the key here. As the months have gone by my general train of thought has changed dramatically and I am so much more accepting of the fact now than in the beginning. Like I mentioned in my earlier post I'm gonna come out to my openly gay friend and I hope he can help me get me out there in the community and maybe I can meet someone through him. All's that I know is that I will never know unless I keep on exploring so I'm starting to put myself out there, Thanks for help.
Introverted, confused with my sexuality, filled with regret, resentment and hate, is all that lead to the damage of the shaping of my sexuality. No ... searching for every solution on the internet is not the best solution to answering all your questions. Especially for someone who is in search of their sexual orientation. Young with crazy hormones that gave me the biggest sex drive known to mankind, I had gone through the web picking out images, videos and porn with the content of the same sex. Sure this did arouse me and admittedly i got off to it and it was not the RIGHT way to go about the search or build of my sexuality. Knowing what i know today i'd advise anyone who is facing a sexual identity crisis not to explore there desires using online quizzes and or porn. Even though it maybe the hardest thing to do, faced with the situation of figuring out your sexuality, i'd advise you to talk to someone close to you. It doesn't have to be a parent nor a close friend, but rather a close relative of yours. Sure you might not be sure of your trust towards your relative but, be creative in the way you ask you questions and ask them indirectly, and when you're finally comfortable enough you can expose you situation to the person you've chosen to trust. Oh, lucky you, you have a friend who has a perfect idea of what it is you're going through. (i never read that part) Expressing a little fear about talking to someone you trust, so you could share your experience with them, is normal. I always use the trick of asking questions indirectly. Every thing takes TIME... and we have to be patient. You don't have to know your sexuality immediately... trust me you'll be fine. I mean look at me, ever since early childhood and more when i was into my teens, i still battle with the search for my sexuality. What is important is that you acknowledge your feeling toward the same sex, you don't have to push them aside. But you better watch how you embrace theses feelings you have. Finding or figuring out you sexuality can be physically and mentally draining and yes it is a hard and unfortunate thing to go through but you have to make the decision for it not to drive your life. I cannot emphasizes more how much it is wrong for you to seek closure, answers and arousal from the internet in search of your sexuality. Please make use of that gay friend of yours and let him be the hub that will be the answers to your questions. I'd also like to repeat that, your mom, dad and close friends aside, (i know the feeling of not wanting to disappoint your parents) you could also try talking to your close relatives. It is important that you talk to the people close to you. No not for there benefit but for your own good. Google might seem like its has all the answers when you're confused about your sexuality, but this is the wrong way to go about figuring out you sexual orientation. Cooped with your sexual desires and struggling with your sexuality, the internet can bring about a lot more confusion. Its an unfortunate thing that some of us have to go through the process choosing or deciding our sexuality, but it is a process that we must endure with time with support and love from the people around, that we trust. Even in regard to your parents mate (just realized this, just know)... "you can never do any wrong in the eyes of the person that loves you." If they do end up resenting you for who you are, then you have the right to question there love for you. I hope my contribution has helped you in one way or another, good luck. :smilewave
