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Getting hard to guys, but can only finish to women

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Musician, Dec 12, 2013.

  1. Musician

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    This is something that has come up for a while now. I can fantasize about men and definitely get hard, even rock-hard, but I can never achieve climax to them. I try with my mind very hard, but my body never gives. The second I think of a girl, I climax in a heartbeat and feel great. And I would totally be open to it, but my body only likes girls, apparently, at least during climax, and I've definitely tried to think of men that way and to really enjoy it. It doesn't really work.

    Even when I was having male-male play as a teen, I always thought about a girl, and I never climaxed with him. When I went to another place to finish, it was ALWAYS thinking about a girl. Actually, this was a phase I went through when I was about 16, and then it disappeared for about 10 years, of getting hard but not being able to climax to a guy - and it happened during the above male-male play. And it was the same situation then - I got really hard but couldn't finish, just like now.

    I don't think I ever had a happy orgasm thinking of another man. Maybe only watching myself in the mirror a once or twice, and even then I can't say that it was any better than thinking of another girl. Maybe it's an emotional thing - giving her the love I believe she "deserves". With a guy, I don't see it like that.

    Just to mention: I'm in a hetero relationship now, and we have really great sex with a woman I really physically and emotionally love. I wonder how many gay men have had great sex with a woman, and how many straight men have had great sex with men. It's a relationship I wouldn't give up for a myriad of reasons, and I don't think I would really consider being with a man at this time, or maybe even at any other time, considering my climaxing-abilities to women.

    I'm wondering a couple of things:

    1) Why would I get so hard thinking of a guy, but not be able to climax? I'm presuming I'm straight. Maybe it's some contrived fantasy or anxiety? I have suffered from debilitating OCD relating to this issue for a couple of years almost, but recently it has subsided, leaving me to see things more clearly. I mean, when push comes to shove, it's women that are really doing it for me in the end.

    2) Has this ever happened to a gay man, where he can get hard thinking of a girl in a really weird or even perverted way (for you guys), but he needs a man to get off, because that's what he connects with in a meaningful way, while still retaining their gay identity?

    Thanks for reading this. :smilewave
     
  2. Rainbow Panda

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    Hello I am not a guy and I obviously don't have the parts but I thought I'd share a study that was done a few years back.
    The test subjects (men and women) were placed in front of a tv where different kinds of porn were displayed (animals having sex, man/man, women/women, other weird things ect.) while their level of arousal was measured. In all of the cases all of the subjects were aroused even from animals having sex. Straight men and women also got aroused from gay sex so what you are experiencing might not be so uncommon.
    I don't know if this was in any way helpful but I wanted to share it just in case.
     
  3. DesertTortoise

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    I have neither insight or advice, but an interesting problem. I suspect it would take some serious introspective analysis, maybe with therapy, to understand what's going on.

    I only fantasize sex with men. Women don't get me aroused. This was not always the case. My big disconnect, is visual. I'm facinated by handsome women--their faces mostly, not so much their bodies. (I'm an artist, take figure drawing, so see a lot of bodies, both sexes). Men... much less often will I see a man I right away think--OMG, HOT! But a little cuddling, kisses, and I'm right there ready to go start to finish. Even those women who I want to keep looking at, if I think about getting physical, turns me off.

    As for arousal from porn--for years, if I watched porn at all (hetero) , it was always oral sex. Umm, don't know why it took me so long to figure out, but it wasn't the woman I was interested in!
    We are pretty mixed up monkeys, we humans!
     
    #3 DesertTortoise, Dec 12, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2013
  4. Clown

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    Personally, yes. I've recently been married and now am going through a separation because I found out that I may be gay. I'm still unsure of my sexuality, but it's been best to separate from my wife either way.
    But I can relate to that. Sometimes, I would rather avoid sex with my wife or even thinking about her in a sexual way and instead, resort to fantasies or porn including men. It could be an indication of at least some attraction to men, in your case, however. But then again, more reflection needs to be made. Over time, see how these thoughts seem to affect you.
     
  5. Musician

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    @Panda - good to know!

    @Tortoise - I have seen a therapist and he thinks I'm very bi, but I just don't buy that. For some strange reason, it doesn't sit well with me. I just think of how many women I loved, and how I didn't like men in that same way.

    @Clown - I think your case is reverse from mine. That, from what I understand, you would need a man if you are with a woman, or at least the male fantasies. Did you fantasize about women as a kid? Or you had gay crushes from the beginning? I think if I ever found myself with a man, I would have to resort to female fantasies. Like, maybe I could force myself to be with a man, but likely I would be unhappy and need to go and get some poon. Though I do understand that this is an opportunity for reflection anyway, even with my case appearing to be the reverse of yours.
     
    #5 Musician, Dec 12, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2013
  6. emkorora

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    An interesting thing to try would be to begin with women and see if you can finish with a man.

    Like, get aroused from woman but switch it out with gay porn towards the end.
     
  7. Musician

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    Been there. Don't think it really works. I get the same feeling of being unable to finish happily. Need a woman for that.

    I can force myself, but the orgasm is usually weak and it feels like shit. For some reason though, I keep having the compulsion to test. But it doesn't feel as good.
     
  8. Clown

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    It's reverse, but generally the same. You might get some kind of sexual feelings from thinking about a certain sex, but prevent yourself (maybe subconsciously?) from actually, well, getting off from it. Honestly, I've had crushes on males since I was about 12 and they've lurked in the back of my mind. But mostly female until I kind of accepted my sexuality. You mentioned sexual feelings, but have you ever had any romantic or crushes on any males before?
    And there's so much room for sexual identities and preferences. You could always be bi-romantic heterosexual. Meaning you can fall in love basically with both sexes and have feelings for both, but prefer sexual interactions with someone of the opposite gender. Of course, I'm jumping to conclusions here without getting a response from before, but any type of attraction, whether sexual or romantic, isn't as black and white as you think.
    I've known people to swear that they're completely straight unless it came down to a single person. My best friend is this way. She's straight but knows that if she had a chance to be with my other friend, she would be a lesbian for her.
    I feel like I'm ranting, sorry. :eusa_doh:
    But I just want to give you my honest feedback from this. :slight_smile:
     
  9. Chip

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    Musician... what happens when you watch lesbian porn, or fantasize only about women from start to finish? Do you get aroused and orgasm without difficulty? Or do you find yourself needing to watch/fantasize about guys to get hard, and then about women to orgasm? It would be helpful to understand and might give a clearer insight into what's going on.
     
  10. Musician

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    I very much love women and lesbian porn, and solo girls. It takes a while because I'm sort of bathing in the fantasy for a while. But I don't have difficulty. If I felt like rushing it, I can finish in a minute and have fun doing it! I can't say that fantasizing about men is so much fun. Not at all. It's more odd to me.

    Like I can get myself to get hard, but somehow, but body just doesn't accept the fantasy by producing an end result the way I get with women.
     
  11. Chip

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    Then, based on that, I don't hear anything that makes you sound remotely gay. Given that Kinsey's data told us that only about 10% of the population is totally at one end of the spectrum or the other, it's possible you're somewhere on the continuum, but if I were to guess, I'd guess at the far end close to "totally straight" :slight_smile:
     
  12. Musician

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    I guess so. I've also had a fair share to OCD relating to the topic for the past couple of years, but with some more clarity about this I'm starting to realize that I'm probably mostly straight, the way I've always been, giving myself a bisexual benefit of the doubt, just in case it's there.

    Maybe there are some other underlying causes to my feelings which I may be misinterpreting as sexual, since I can't actually get off to men? I liked Panda's point very much, also, and I would love to explore the emotional aspects behind these things.
     
  13. Chip

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    People often don't understand how much psychological issues affect arousal, orgasm and, often even more so, ejaculation.

    For example, you can be with someone whom you're super attracted to, feel a strong connection with... but unconsciously, for some reason, it just doesn't feel safe, and so you might get aroused, but you won't be able to ejaculate. Same can happen with porn or even your own fantasies; if for some reason you're feeling uncomfortable -- and that can be entirely unconscious -- then you may get aroused, and may get close, but you may not be able to ejaculate.

    Further complicating things... people get upset with themselves when this happens (particularly with a partner), which creates shame, which, in turn, just creates more difficulty reaching orgasm.

    The best gift you can give yourself in that sort of situation is nonjudgment, and a simple openness and acceptance to where your conscious/unconscious self is at that moment. When you take away the "performance stress", often it's much easier to perform, whether the "performance" is masturbating or being with a partner.
     
  14. hiddenxrainbows

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    That's kind of how I am. Except that I'm a girl. Guys can turn me on, but I can't get off unless I think about girls. I've only gotten off to males like a max of 5 times. I just think girls are WAAAY more attractive for some reason.0Though I do have a boyfriend, which has been confusing me lately...
     
  15. Musician

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    I think I have given this a fair shot for a long time of being open to whatever. I don't think I have hid from it, since I have allowed myself to go there, and allowed myself to try to finish and whatnot. It's my body at this point that's not allowing me to finish. So I'm kind of accepting this, and actually joyfully. I'm happy with who I am. Just questioning, but I think I'm happier these days than before.
     
  16. cm81990

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    Poor woman
     
  17. xalex

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    It could be that you are ashamed of the fact that you would finish while having gay thoughts?
     
  18. Musician

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    I don't think I'm ashamed. I find nothing wrong with it.
     
  19. MossyCave

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    Have you tried the other way around? Most of the time I can only finish by thinking about the other gender than the one I started off thinking about.
    Sexuality is complicated and masturbation/porn is just one aspect and not everything should be based off it. A lot of straight guys get turned on by seeing other naked guys or anything sexual for that matter. I remember watching a documentary, I think it was called the sex researchers, and some men even get aroused watching the nature channel.