My sexuality has confused me for a long time, and it seems to be all I can think about. Whenever I have a best girlfriend I usually become really close to her and pretty much imagine my life with her. Like if I'm at the mall by myself or I make up pretend convos while she's not around. I've been doing that all my life. Whenever my girlfriends get physically close to me, I imagine myself kissing them. They make me feel really great and I get an overbearing strong warm fuzzy feeling whenever my best friend is around. I've tried to test and masturbate while thinking of having sex with her but nothing happens. On the other hand I really like guys. I get butterflies, I become a smiley mess when a guy I like talks to me, I do get that fuzzy feeling and feel like kissing them, but it's not as intense as with a girl. I like sex with men, especially the penetration part. I used to like lesbian porn when I was younger but in the last few years it's only been straight porn, lesbian porn is still great, but my whole experience seems off when I watch it. When I masturbate without porn it's usually when I think about being with my husband or me being solo. I've been with women before, and I thought I would like it and I did get off but it's just not the same and that intense fuzzy feeling kind of mellows down and I'm back at looking at guys again. I keep thinking I'm turned on when I see women but I don't think I am...or at least I can't get off. I'd see a sexy girl, check out her stuff to see if I get turned on, I think I do, but I have to pretend she's having sex with a guy to get off. My therapist thinks these are obsessive thoughts. I think I maybe fluid. Either way, it's hard to live like this.
