So basically I've though up until a point in my life that I was straight but I really don't know. I often have thought of just spending my life with someone in a romantic asexual relationship but it really scares me how hard that is to come by, it really does. I know it's dumb and cliché but I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. This is the plot twist. On other occasions, I have strong sexual desires, mainly for men but sometimes women. Except in these fantasies I can never imagine myself being in a relationship with them. It's not the idea of committing myself to one person, it's the idea of having to perform sexual acts with them all the time. I feel like I'm being drowned by a generation that mystified by the idea of a relationship where you hug, watch movies and have sex all the time. The idea of that scares me. It truly does. Now I know I suck and have left you with nothing but a rant, and not even a question. I guess I just want to know if anyone has ever been here?:bang::eusa_doh:
I know exactly how you feel. This describes me as well. Check out what label I put for my orientation, you could put that as well. Now I'm on a mobile so I'll be typing in parts as I am going to share my story with you. And hopefully this could help you out. At around 7 or 8 I had realized that I was attracted to girls and breasts. I often caught myself staring at women's breasts but I never stared at men like that and stil don't. My mom made me feel ashamed of this since she would catch me in the act. Add that to the fact that I was a minority where homosexuality wasn't discussed and was even taboo. And I grew up Christian, so anything other than a heterosexual relationship was taboo. I have had crushes on guys too, but I was never sexually attracted, not even as a teenager. Around 14, the time where I was going through puberty and where the hormones were flowing through I had begun to have sexual fantasies of my characters and canon characters. And I did have fantasies with my crushes, but I think it ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2013 at 10:58 PM ---------- was influenced by the hormones. Years later as I had neared the end of puberty (i.e. 17-19. And I am a late bloomer since I filled out as of last year even though I am still very thin) I still had those fantasies, but without the peer pressure I grew disinterested in relationships and had begun to think of alternatives to that and marriage, which I never had (and still don't) have an interest in. I began to picture myself having a lifelong same sex partner over a marriage b/c the thought of being married to a man depresses me. Now people may say that I am Bi because of my past attractions to guys. Not quite. Let me explain. I was only attracted to the guys because of what their faces looked like, and I wondered about hetero-sex out of curiousity, but that was all. To date I have had ample opportunity for a hetero relationship and have turned down every offer. I've slept in the same bed with a man a few times, and nothing sexual ever happened. Not even cuddling or touching. The thought of a penis and doing ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2013 at 11:07 PM ---------- sexual things with it. Seeing a shirtless man, even a hot one, does nothing for me. The idea of big muscles repulses and even scares me a bit. And whenever girls would gush over a hot guy I would never join in because I saw nothing about them that appealed me. Soon after leaving religion I had begun to explore my sexuality more. When I look at my past it was then that I realized that I am not heterosexual. And without the influence of religion I didn't feel any guilt about who I really was. To this day I still haven't ever had a boyfriend and don't want one. And I still hold onto the idea of finding that girl Trouble is, I'm out to no one and everyone I've come across so far (except a few in HS but in college this didn't apply) assumes that I am heterosexual. Can't say I blame them, except that I've never been seen getting romantic with a guy, but then again, I don't hang out a lot.The asexuality thing really spoke to me and it is the only part of my sexuality I am sure of. Sex just doesn't interest me. ---------- Post added 17th Dec 2013 at 11:08 PM ---------- The idea of getting sexual with anyone would seem very forced to me. I would prefer it if it weren't mentioned. That's all I have to say for now.
