I thought I was bi but now i'm questioning it I don't know what i am anymore When i was little I didn't even like guys and only girls , I would see girls around me getting crushes on guys and kissing them , I was disgusted by guys and did not want them near me . When i was little i did kiss girls but it was behind closed doors and I almost lost my virginity to a girl but we got caught by my older cousin , I also got caught kissing a girl by my dad ( who died years ago ) and I got beaten for it the girl also got punished by her parents . I kept thinking what's the big deal i just kissed her is it wrong because we're both girls . when i was 10 the only guy I liked was a celebrity because he was really good looking I was able to imagine having sex with him but guys i knew in person i didn't want them to touch me or kiss me . For years after i went without having a crush on a guy it got to the point where the girls at elementary school started a lesbian rumor about me ( too bad I didn't know what a lesbian was so it didn't bother me to much ) but i remember them asking me about girls trying to get me to say i was lesbian . When i was 14 i got my first boyfriend but i did not like him much i only dated him because all the girls had boyfriends , I would even get grossed out imagining kissing him or any type of affection I remember telling my cousin that and she was like that's weird your suppose to be attracted to your boyfriend maybe your just shy . I ended up breaking up with him because i didn't want to string him along . He hated me after that time and can't even look in the face to this day . I remember my cousin trying to convince me to take him back but to be honest i didn't really want him back and was glad we were broken up so i didn't have to force myself to like him . I also had a crush on two guys at the same time in high school because they were good looking I would also get jealous if they liked other girls but also in high school i had tons of crushes on other girls as well that i went to school with . The last guy i had a dated people use to think he looked like a girl , I was sexually attracted to him but never saw him naked while dating him I really wanted to be with other women but i liked him to almost to the point where i wanted to marry him but i didn't know much about him and he was a jerk and sucky person . After him i never had an attraction to another man again for years Now when a girl says how hot a guy is i can hardly relate , I don't even remember what i feels like Now i'm wondering was I a lesbian all that time and just liked those guys because they were handsome . am just an open minded lesbian or am i bisexual I really don't know anymore .:icon_sad:
If I had to guess I'd say that you're a lesbian, who went through the typical heteronormartive pressures to repress yourself and date guys who you're clearly not as interested in as you are in women. We've all been there. I used to think I was straight......would have been super surprised if you were to tell me that some where down the line i'd start calling myself a lesbian. But why did I think I was straight? Because the world around me labeled me since birth to be that way, I had no knowledge of lesbianism (or at least credible non-negative knowledge), I didn't have the oppurtunity to be any thing else and being my true self led to serious consequences such as social rejection and less privileges. That's why it's no wonder that a lot of people have to come to the realization that they are gay or trans...we have so much against us and every thing around us is telling us not to be that way. By the way, that is super fucked up that your dad beat you. But I guess that's how some people in the world treat homosexuals. If you happen to find that you like some guy...then go for it though. Not every thing in the world has to be black and white, but from what you described above it seems like you'll probably be more interested in women down the line Stay strong and be proud that you're honest and confident enough to be yourself!
I also dated men before coming out as lesbian, many of us have, either because we were not sure or because of exploring to find out I have only in my life known a few "gold stars" (those who have never dated men) to me the key is do you date/are you attracted to men now if not - then you are lesbian
I think you guys are right I just couldn't believe it took me a long time to figure it out :icon_bigg well you guys helped me but yeah it was a long while to know that i'm a lesbian
