I have no desire to be with a man or have sex with a man but my mind keeps throwing me into loops by saying 'what if you are gay, what if you are gay?' This sends me into a cycle of vicious thoughts—you must be gay, your whole life has been a lie, you must want to have sex with men because you keep thinking about having sex with men. All I want to do is be with women, fuck women, etc, but these thoughts have severely affected my sexual performance and libido. Am I gay? It's worth noting that I really want to be straight and have been straight my entire life (19 years) bar the last 3 months. The past 3 months have been mostly fear of turning gay. I have jacked off to gay porn a couple times and can no longer see anyone (male or female) on the street without checking to see if I am aroused. I am pretty much numb from masturbating to straight porn so much over the past couple of days. I've thought so much about gay sex and having a gay relationship that I can now conceive of myself doing it, rather than previously where the thought was something that I acknowledged but would never consider. Is my sexuality changing..... What the fuck, I just want my old self back. By this I mean the certainty of my sexual orientation, not necessarily being straight. I never had to think about this before. My parents would be incredibly accepting, as would my peers. But I don't think I am gay so I can't come out. Do these thoughts mean I am in the process of becoming gay? Again, the crux of this post, is that I keep imagining having gay sex or being in relationships with men as something I will eventually accept and normalize even though right now I am in a relationship with a great girl that I want to make love to and maybe even marry. I feel like my sexually might be changing against my will (again, these thoughts were sparked by smoking a ton of weed one night and haven't gone away since). These circular thoughts make me have panic attacks along the lines of 'you will only be able to get off with men eventually and will have to be gay even though you don't want to be' Also, when I am with girls I want to be with them. But these thoughts are absolutely crushing me when I am not with my girlfriend (i.e. this 3 week winter break) Thoughts or advice is much appreciated
No, no, you're not becoming gay. I'm about 99.99% sure of that. I think you sort of got hooked on this idea of being gay (perhaps from watching gay porn and getting aroused), and probably you have an anxious type of personality so instead of just letting it go, it triggered a whole cycle of reactions which is now spiraling out of control and driving you nuts. In your place, I would avoid all porn, and as many as possible of the things which you know trigger these obsessive thoughts. Probably even EC is not a good idea, because here you find all sorts of people coming with all sorts of questions similar to yours, which is likely to confuse you even more. These things will just lead you to question yourself even more. Basically, you need to break the cycle and get yourself to a point where you are no longer freaking out about it, and it seems like the more you think about it, the more you freak out. So take a little break. Don't expect the thoughts to go away right away, though, you'll need to find new things to do to replace the time you spend worrying. Spend time with your girlfriend, find a new hobby, try to make new friends, etc. I went through something similar as you. I was questioning so much it wasn't even healthy. So I took a 5-year break from "being gay," if you will, and finally, I met a girl, had a crush on her, and slowly but surely went back to dealing with my sexuality. However, the second time around, it was much healthier and far less nerve-wracking. So yeah, relax man, everything's gonna be fine and you're not slowly turning into a big fat homo.
Put aside what you want, like you want to be straight, and look at what you actually want. Just be honest with yourself. From what you've written, if you're being honest then it seems like you've just gotten yourself obsessed with the possibility you might be gay and the overwhelming thoughts are making your life hell. There's a thing called HOCD, Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I don't know a lot about it or if it's even a real thing, but it could be worth Googling. Sounds like you're straight, these weird thoughts happen. Just try to empty your mind when these thoughts come and that should stop them being so obsessive. I know that's easier said than done.
Take a step back mate. First of all, you can't change sexuality. It can fluctuate within certain parameters, but it can't transform into something else entirely. You "becoming" gay isn't what's happening. So no, your sexuality isn't changing. Secondly, there's a difference between thinking about something because you want to and thinking about something because you're scared ****less about that happening or becoming that. For instance, while a storm is going on I might think repeatedly about getting hit by lightning and incinerated. Does that mean I want to be? Hell no! In short, the frequency with which you think about something is less important than the way in which you think of it. Do you feel happy when you have gay thoughts? It sure doesn't sound like it. If you can't find one small thing that turns you on or makes you happy about having gay thoughts, then that's very solid evidence that you're straight. Or, to put it another way- why do you feel the need to have these thoughts? Is it because you like gay fantasies and can't get enough of them, or is it because you're desperately trying to disprove the hypothesis that you're gay? To me it definitely sounds like the latter and if that's how it is- if there's no "positive" reason for you having gay thoughts- then in all probability you are not attracted to other men. Thirdly, you don't need to be certain of your orientation to be your old self. Orientation does nothing (at least, very little) to change your core characteristics and personality. Whatever sexuality you are, you will still be, you. Just remember that orientation isn't the be-all and end-all, and is not an essential part of your existence. There's no need to rush for an answer, because there's still plenty you can be and accomplish without even having the slightest clue of your orientation. So to sum up, you sound very straight to me, but to deal with it I'd just try and avoid the porn as suggested, remember orientation isn't important in the end, and only pay attention to thoughts and feelings you enjoy, not the ones that leave you depressed. And I second the advice from the other posters as well. Good luck man!
