Hey! I'm new to the forums and wanted some advice from all willing. I've been dealing with the gay vs HOCD situation since i was 15 (i am now 21). As a child I never felt different from other guys. I had lots of male friends from elementary school throughout high school. I sometimes felt inferior to my male peers (I wasn't good at sports, in as good of shape, etc.) in high school but overall maintained good male relationships. During puberty I was defiantly attracted to females. I had sexual dreams involving girls and was turned on by female pornography. I would day dream about having a girl friend, fantasize about saving them or helping them etc. I actually got pretty heavily into pornography (more then appropriate i would say) and was watching lesbian porn and straight porn almost everyday. I can remember the first obsessive thought I ever had. I was watching porn one day and realized I wasn't really turned on by the women. This scarred me as i though I was losing my sex drive or something. Later that night when I was playing Call of Duty online, someone kept calling me gay and a f@g (this is pretty common for those who play games online). I don't know why but this made me imagine kissing a man and I wasn't repulsed by it like i normally would be. It scarred the $#%^ out of me and I spent the whole night almost in tears thinking i was gay. (Just a note I was raised by anti-gay parents in a Catholic home, I myself am a practicing Catholic but am absolutely not anti-gay. I don't think you can be a good Catholic and be anti-anybody) I got so bad i couldn't watch TV or listen to radio because the good looking actors and male voices would make my thoughts worse. Basically it was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing at night. It got so bad I decided to talk to my priest about it. While he couldn't tell me for sure whether i was gay or not, he said my excessive porn watching may explain the desensitizing to women (why i wasn't attracted to women when viewing porn on the day of my first obsessive thought). I left feeling better and after months the thoughts started getting less and less regular. When i was 17 I had my first serious relationship with a girl. I had the occasional gay thought but it was infrequent. I spent less and less time with friends and eventually spent all my time with my GF losing my friends. Fast forward three years later, me and my girlfriend broke up. I took it extremely hard even though I was the one to break it off. She moved on rather quickly which made me take it even harder. This is when the thoughts started coming back...bad. I again couldn't watch TV, listen to music, and was afraid to even go to my college classes because guys were in them. I thought for sure I was gay, then would go back to thinking maybe I'm straight, both,then Idk. I goggled "how do you know if you gay" daily to try to convince myself I wasn't. I read many post and thought maybe i had HOCD. But then i thought maybe i was just using that to hide from my sexuality. But then i didn't think i was, back and forth. It got to the point where i would skip classes because i was scarred to go and would lay in bed wishing i was dead. I was terrified of going to sleep because I thought i would have gay dreams. I would have nightmares In which i was confronted by naked men. I was so depressed that killing myself would have been so much better then suffering with no hope. This is when i decided to get help. After alot of time spent trying to get help I saw a counselor and was diagnosed with Anxiety Order NOS and depression. (She diagnosed me on my first visit which seems strange you can do that?) I began a 5mg dos of Lexapro for OCD and depression. I am now on 10mgs. I think it has defiantly helped but I still question and sexually and fall into depression for no reason. Also it makes me want to sleep all the time. I did try watching gay porn to see if that would help. I didn't find it arousing but didn't find it really repulsive either. It seemed a little gross, but idk. So to get to my point. Do you think I have HOCD, am gay or bi or straight. I don't feel like I can get anymore out of talking to a counselor. Is their someway to be sure (other then actually trying it out) I just want to know if I'm actually gay or just have pysch issues. Any advice would be much appreciated. Sorry for the long post, and thanks to those who help. -Tim
Personally I maintain that HOCD as a specific, seperate condition isn't a real thing. You can definitely have OCD and obsess about sexuality but you would say you had HWOCD or something if your OCD made you wash the ever loving crap out of your hands, now would you? Am I suprised your counsellor diagnosed you with depression on the first visit. Nope. I could have told you that and I'm in no way qualified to do so other than suffering myself. Anyway, are you gay. Who knows. You have the occasional gay thought here and there, sometimes stronger than others but it only seems to turn up after a specific crisis concerning women. Breakup, porn freakout or whatever. Which is really could just be you saying well THIS didn't work and the logical opposite is this, so could it be? So stop focusing on the times you freaked out about it and think when your calm. Bring it up consciously. Can you see yourself in a relationship with a guy? Is that something you would want?
I can definitely relate to some of the things that you have posted especially skipping classes. I got so scarred and anxiety ridden that everyone would think that I was attracted to them, especially men, that I withdrew and sank in a kind of depression. I often thought of how it would be better to be dead. I found a councilor to not work for me really. While I can't offer you any good advice since I am in the questioning phase too, I haven't read anything that would suggest you being gay.
Yea I totally understand not thinking HOCD is real. There's really no way to know if your straight and having unwanted thoughts or gay in denial. I suppose the best thing to do is not worry about it (easier said then done) and the answer will come in time. Its just frustrating to know i was straight and now not know anything. Makes me question lots of things about myself.
