found out a few days ago that i'm actually a lesbian but i'm having a hard time accepting , I've been thinking about it all night . How come i didn't see this for so long and am i just lying to myself because i want to be lesbian i don't know . For while i'll be accepting of myself then I'll go in a denial faze where i'm thinking maybe i just want to be lesbian and i'm really not and i will probably be bi in a few months . It's just really hard , I know my mom will probably hate me more and i will be called a bad person for not telling her so much is going through my mind .
My accepting process: You love spending time with your female classmate waaay too much, aren't you? - Am I? Aha, you love the way she makes you feel, I mean that you take care of her kinda like a guy, right? - ... So you wanna take care of a woman? - Yes?! Aren't you gay then? - *thinks it would make complete sense!* No way! I've been in a LTR with a guy! But maybe you're not that straight, right? - Yeah, maybe... So you could be bisexual then? - Sure, that may be it! But are you even attracted to guys? - Well, I don't know. Probably. I sleep with one, right? I have to be bisexual. But don't you fantasize about being intimate with women? - Yep, but I wouldn't read too much into it. You know that as a child I had a gender related issue and wanted to be boy and stuff. And as I recollect I've never felt irl attraction to girls! And I'm 35. Wouldn't I realize it much earlier if I really was a gay? Well, so what about your attraction to the opposite sex? - I had a crush on two boys, I think. See? I. Am. Not. A. Lesbian! How would you describe them? - The first one had long blond hair and looked kinda like a girl, and the other one turned out to be gay. So you were attracted to feminine boys? - Oh, shit! Aren't you more a lesbian then? I could be... I even stared at woman's boobs today when waiting in drugstore. But you've been in a relationship with a man, right? - Yes! Yes! Yes! I surely just trick myself to think I'm lesbian. Were you attracted to him sexually at first? - No. I felt for his personality, I think. He's so smart and caring... Do you still love your boyfriend? - I need him in my life, he's my best friend. Have you ever wanted to live with him or marry him? - No, I haven't. Actually I've never imagined myself to marry a guy. Do you think you would sleep with any other man? - Absolutely not! I see. You wouldn't wanna cheat on your boyfriend, right? - That's not just it. I just... I don't know, why should I wanna have sex with a guy? Isn't it supposed to be fun and so? - Well, I've never been right in the moment. And lately, sometimes I even imagine doing it with a woman instead while we're together. And imagine doing it with any other man? Totally unappealing! Does it mean you'd rather have sex with a woman? - Yeeess, it does! To tell you the truth, I get aroused by women a lot lately and often imagine how would that feel to kiss them and stuff... So you are a lesbian? - ...it seems about right. Okay, so your mind is full of sex with women but would you be able to love a person of the same sex? Isn't it only sexual? - That's a good question. I can't say I was really in love with that girl who 'turned' me. *worried* ... *starts being jealous when one of my lesbian friends flirts with other girls* *wants to get know her better* - Oh, I'm falling for her!!! I'm able to fall for a girl! *relieved*
Hello stocking, you sound a lot like me when I was figuring things out. You have to trust yourself with this, try not to worry too much about it (I know, easier said than done). It is all fine. Date some people, or not, listen to your heart, promise yourself that you will be completely open-minded about whatever it is that you are feeling, and try not to label sourself too quickly. I won't try to analyze your post and tell you what I think your sexuality is, because I can't see what's on your mind. So I'll leave you with this
I think i only want to date girls :icon_redf i don't want to date guys or have relationships with them since i don't feel anything connection with them I can only be a friend to them nothing more . But still i'm scared
