I am 20 guy who has only recently begun to question his sexuality. For 19 and 3/4 years of my life I was as straight as they come. I was the kid in class who would see a hint of a girls tits and get a huge boner that made me afraid that I would be called to go to the board! I was pretty nervous around, girls, however, and only ever kissed 4 girls in high school. The last year of high school, I dated a busty, gorgeous brazilian girl and had a really traumatic experience when I lost my virginity (I discovered I had severe phimosis--look it up, if you are brave) and could only have sex with a condom on. She was afraid to touch my penis for fear of causing me pain, but sex with a condom felt great and I was always rock hard and really enjoyed sex. Towards the end of our relationship, our ritual was to smoke weed and fuck. I loved it. I went out of the country for a year and endured a period of sustained abstinence as sexual relationships with locals would have been inappropriate but I still masturbated almost daily. Just thoughts of hot girls at home and having sex with them could get me hard. This summer, one day I smoked a ton of weed and started to watch some porn. I had a thought 'What if I am gay" and switched over to some gay porn to check. The taboo of it excited me and I came. This, unfortunately, sent me into a spiral of identity crisis. What if I am gay, what if my whole life has been a lie, what if I can only get off from homosexual encounters and experience from now on, even though all I want is more fulfilling sex with girls? These are the types of thoughts that plague me on a day to day basis. I have started to watch an absurd amount of porn (some gay, but when I get turned on by it it freaks me out) and can't even fantasize anymore, because when I start to daydream about kissing a girl she morphs into a man and my mind maliciously says 'this is probably what you want.' In college, I am more successful at attracting women that I have ever been before, but these thoughts are sabotaging all of my relationships. I am afraid to have sex with girls because I am afraid I won't be able to get hard. Certainly when I am with girls it feels right, but twice I couldn't get hard enough for penetrative sex with one girl (I chalked this up to the fact that we are really old friends and it was pretty weird. I successfully had sex with one girl I am really into and considering dating but it was her first time and she bled everywhere and it hurt her so I didn't come. Anyway, I am on winter break now and won't see this girl for another 2 weeks and my head is fucking spinning. If I were gay, my family would be supportive 100% but I don't think I am. That said, these thoughts won't go away and I have thought so much about gay sex and gay relationships and kissing men that I think I have normalized it in my brain. My asshole always tingles when I think about this sort of thing and I am starting to lose my reservations about putting something in it sexually. In the midst of all of this, I am starting to question every sexual value I once had: are boobs actually boring when once I found them the most fascinating thing on the planet? Are vaginas actually gross when once I found them to be delicious, secret and pleasurable territory? I can't even get properly hard when I jack off anymore because my mind is going 'are you watching the girl or the guy or is it the sexuality itself that is turning you on?' Sometimes I have even more insidious thoughts about 'you must be a transexual' or 'you must want to be a cross-dresser.' I've read a bit online about HOCD but that seems like right wing, Christian nonsense. Still, it helps me to rationalize these thoughts. When I write all of this out, it seems to me that i am probably straight, maybe bisexual, but these thoughts keep circling of 'you will never again have a fulfilling sexual relationship with a girl' 'vaginas are gross you understand penises' 'you want to be fucked, not fuck' which are contrary to a. what I want to feel, b. what I have felt, and c. what I think I feel now. I say what I think I feel because I can't keep straight anymore what are my actual desires (women? men?) and what I am thinking about thinking about doing (to clarify: I fantasize about men and then women or vice versa to observe my reactions emotionally and physically). Anyway, the reason for writing is that I can't get myself hard from thoughts anymore. And porn is not really doing it for me anymore because I can no longer watch straight porn and enjoy it. All I want is my certainty about my straight orientation to return and to have great sex with this girl but now thinking about touching her and kissing her and her naked isn't turning me on like it used to. I am currently thinking I have desensitized myself to any sexual gratification but my own hand because of the sheer amount of porn I have consumed recently, but is this even possible? When I am really anxious I am convinced I am actually gay but when I take ativan, or xanax to calm down or am just calm naturally I am convinced I am straight. Do y'all think this part of my 'coming out process?' Or am I just fucking myself up with women by thinking about this? Can sexuality actually swivel 180 degrees? I still want to be with women, fuck women, get turned on by women like I used to and achieve great orgasms with women. I don't want to do this with guys but I think about it so much I feel like it might be what I actually want. Sorry for the wall of text. please respond soon
Well you wouldn't be gay, you would be bisexual if anything. And I doubt you are gay. Your so hooked on to this thought and it's bothering you every day. If you could forget about it you would be into girls correct? That just proves you are straight. Beczuse when you are occupied and the whole gay thing is off your mind you don't think about liking guys, u think about girls. And that's the difference there. So if you ask me your straight. And porn does not determine your Sexual orientation and is a terrible way to determine it. And anyone else on here will agree how porn is a bad way. Conclusion, your straight.
I believe it is common for guys to get paranoid about not being able to 'perform' and this thought has caused this paranoia in you. If you were gay then you wouldn't have enjoyed sex with women so much. You might be bi, and so what if you are? I think you just need to forget about these labels and sleep with whoever you want to.
This is perfect. LISTEN TO HER. stop freaking out, you would not have enjoyed it so much. Boom perfect. Okay stop freaking out? And liek he said, you would be bi, and if your bi then you still like women. So then just tell yourself "well I'm not gay because I enjoyed women so much, so I would at most be bi, and if I'm bi I love my women, therfore I choose women and only will sleep with them"....okay dude? Chances are your straight. I believe you are 100% straight
Too much weed, too much porn, man. That stuff ain't no good for you lol. No seriously though, I've been seeing a few posts like yours lately, and the only thing I can say is that you've sort of gotten hooked on this idea of maybe, remotely, possibly being gay and that messed you up so bad you can't let it go anymore and are completely freaking out, causing even more thoughts, causing more freaking out, etc. From your post, you sound as straight as an arrow, honestly. Porn is crap, don't try to figure out anything serious based on that junk. Bro I'm a lesbian, and I can almost 100% assure you I'd get off on straight porn (but I don't watch porn). That stuff is designed to arouse anyone, heck even a dog would like it... Bottom line is, I'd stay away from porn and anything that could trigger these compulsive thoughts (gay websites, books, magazines, etc.). Find new things to do: go work out, volunteer, learn a skill, study for As, whatever. Later, you'll be able to better evaluate your feelings (if that even proves to be necessary). Good luck.
