Anxiety Disorder, Orientation, Getting it all out there...

i really dont know how to start off. i just really want to get my feelings out with the hopes of suggestions and advice from others in what i feel is a safe space...i apologize in advance for rambling.

well, im an identified lesbian with anxiety disorder & when ever my anxiety increases i start to obsess over horrific or intrusive thoughts... it causes me to become confused and all over the place and eventually depressed. currently im obsessing about my sexuality and my thoughts & feelings towards men.

when i first came out i was 13 years old and i genuinely identified as bisexual. i found both men & women to be attractive. i would develop crushes on guys but after realizing my attraction to women i could see that my emotions for them were far more powerful. i would fantasize about male celebrities and live out these fantasies in my mind but never pushed forward to act on them in real life with actual guys. growing up i didn't want to get married or have any children. i was even willing to be abstinent despite of my high sex drive. whenever my mom or sister would talk about husbands or boyfriends i'd emotionally shut down. though i found men attractive, i couldn't identify with it. it wasn't until i realized i could have all of those things with women that i confidently wanted to have a relationship. There was this beautiful girl who lived across the street from me and i never liked anyone like that in my entire life. i couldn't even muster up the courage to speak to her. my body would literally shake when i saw her. despite the crushes i've had on guys i've never liked one they way i liked her. it felt like it was the first time i genuinely liked someone. But the fact that i still find men attractive causes me to be worried.

when i currently see guys now i get a nervous arousal/tingly feeling towards them even though i have no interest in actually being with them. especially long term. this started once my anxiety got bad again. i know my anxiety has to be playing a part in it because it wasn't like this before i started worrying and it only happens when i get nervous/uncomfortable. it makes me doubt my sexuality because that rarely happens when i see attractive girls. my sexy feelings usually come out for them once i get more familiar with them. with women i experience this overwhelming feeling to be near them first. like a magnetic draw and my heart starts beating fast. then i want to touch them. i never have that for guys but i do get genital arousal? its confusing and annoying. i feel like me finding men attractive is completely unnecessary. i see no point in calling myself bisexual because...its like "oh im bisexual, but i dont want to have sex with, be intimate, date, have a relationship or marry a man. i think they're hot but the thought of me kissing one disgusts me?" idk. i feel like im capable of developing crushes on them but they're never strong enough for me to want to pursue.

i wonder if im worried because i cant really control who i end falling in love with so i feel like i could possibly end up with a man for that reason. it makes me not even want to be around attractive guys even though i know its just me appreciating them instead of me wanting something out of it. i'll wonder if underneath i secretly want to be with men and i'm forcing myself to be gay and am trying to deny liking them so i dont have to come out again or deal with biphobia. it's a mess for me :bang: i hope someone out there understands all this lol. can sexual arousal not identify with your orientation?
what does this sound like to you guys? sorry this is SOooOoOo long.

 

haha I know what you mean and yes. I was diagnosed with anxiety & depression @ age 13? I usually take daily medication for them both and to stabilize my mood but Ive been off them for 5months and cant get to a psychiatrist until my insurance kicks back in. the only thing is I still have these questions when I am more stabilized. i feel like I can just can tolerate them when im on my medication and it doesn't bother me as much. I feel im constantly trying to affirm myself thank you for responding! ♥ btw.

 

I dont have sexual experience with either. the reason why I feel like I never have with guys is because I didnt feel a dominant want or need to. I definitely dont want to now. when people would tell me to try things out with men i would get defensive because the thought made me uncomfortable. I didnt want sleep with them to determine my sexuality you know? I just didn't want to go through that lol. with women its different. im definitely willing to. but my self esteem with being chubby & weird, and I think my confusion keeps me from confidently moving forward I would really like to start dating though! I really want a girlfriend. I just dont wanna start anything serious with anyone and end up deceiving them or myself? idk. thank you for you responding! and I think you're right. my anxiety is playing a part in all of this :dry:

---------- Post added 27th Dec 2013 at 01:27 PM ----------

well I think through county I could request to see someone for an emergency appt. but my insurance starts back up on the first so I was gonna wait until then.

 

bump? help or suggestions anyone? :/

 

i agree wholeheartedly. because i only feel like this or go through things like this if i'm anxious, obsessing...or worrying. if i'm not, i don't really deal with these feelings. when my anxiety is far gone i obsess about things that have to do with my identity or sense of self. i'll be watching crime shows and compare murders and violators to myself. knowing i'm not capable of really doing what they do, i still question & compare myself anyways. i start to psycho-analyze myself & it gets out of control. it'll be all i think about almost all day. the moment i don't have the answer about something about myself everything comes crashing down and goes out the window. same goes for if i have an intrusive thought.

i never used to react to men like this (like when i'm out in public. some of them i don't even find attractive!) so it seems out of no where and it's uncomfortable. it doesn't feel pleasing or relaxing for me. despite how hot i think they are. its like "i don't want anything from them so body what the hell are you doing? whats the point?" i don't want a boyfriend and i have no interest in being intimate with men. but its like my mind, thoughts, feelings and body's reactions aren't lining up with each other...so it makes me feel like i'm lying to myself. i just want to be true to myself no matter how or what i am. i just wanna know. i hate not having the answers! lol.

i get caught in the fear of being a "fake lesbian" as well...like im a liar, impostor, or a fraud and it makes me want to hide. some lesbians can be unforgiving and judgmental. they say things like that about bisexuals or women who are more fluid...so because i feel confused it makes me feel like thats what i am. i'm all of the bad things that they say. i feel like i don't fit anywhere either. whatever i have going on with me right now makes me feel like im not gay enough to call myself that and i don't like men enough to call myself a bisexual so it makes me feel lost and confused even more.

i had been on my medication stably for almost a year and then i ran out of meds and never made an appt for more. my insurance had ran out and so when i really had needed to get back on it, i couldn't. its kicked back in now though in so now all i have to do is set the appt with a psychiatrist and STAY on my meds, and im good. i suck at doing that too.

 

well i'm not on them yet but i'm putting it into progress i hope it all does work out, but i cant help but worry. i still don't have the answers so it leaves a lot for me to think about. and i'm so glad i'm not alone! it makes me feel like i'm not 100% crazy.

 

awww~ well I hope it all works out for you too! I know that in the end we both can kick our anxiety in the ass! good luck hon and thank you.

 

sure thing i definitely will~ and for me, it usually takes about 2 to 3 weeks to kick in. if you feel like its no difference in your mood and anxiety, i would talk to your psychiatrist about possibly changing your dosage. you might need something higher if your body is combating it or you just feel like you're swallowing pills and they aren't doing anything. it's also good to talk with a therapist through your process to gain some coping skills to deal with your day to day struggles with anxiety and depression. it'll make dealing with issues so much easier when you know exactly how to. hopefully this helps i know when i'm balanced out my thoughts don't bother me that much or even at all. there just there.