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Having doubts about 'perfect' sexdate

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by NaNtastic, Dec 27, 2013.

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  1. NaNtastic

    NaNtastic Guest

    Hey everyone, at least I hope there will be people reading this..
    I have been talking to someone who is very handsome and fits perfectly in the imaginations I've had all my life. The only problem is, that he is more than twice my age (18 vs 40). Everyone has one fantasy, and this would be mine. So I agreed to go on a date tomorrow. He told me nothing would happen if I didn't want to. Should I go and make my fantasy reality, spending my first sexual activity with someone who is more than twice my age? Or should I just wait for someone my age to be my 'first'? I will never be able to explain to my friends why I met the old guy. But he's just perfect :frowning2: Someone please give me some advice? I even shaved my lower parts this morning, just in case..
     
    #1 NaNtastic, Dec 27, 2013
  2. Starry Eyes

    Starry Eyes Guest

    I mean, I would say don't do anything sexual unless you feel safe, and this person respects your boundaries. I know that you can get horny and you want to experience something you have been thinking about for a long time, but you should just be safe about it. Y'know?
     
    #2 Starry Eyes, Dec 27, 2013
  3. NaNtastic

    NaNtastic Guest

    Yea that's how I feel about it too. But I think when I'm in the situation where we are alone, there is too little to stop me from 'releasing' (omg xD) my sexual needs. So I'm asking if I should even go there or not..

    It just seems like it would be a spilled chance, who knows if I will even get an offer like this again? Through our conversations it seems like he is a really nice guy. But that could also be because he's just saying everything he thinks someone like me would like to hear..
     
    #3 NaNtastic, Dec 27, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2013
  4. Starry Eyes

    Starry Eyes Guest

    I know that I had chances with older guys when I was younger that I didn't take, but whether that is good or bad I don't know. Like I say, it's up to you, just use your best judgement and be safe.
     
    #4 Starry Eyes, Dec 27, 2013
  5. NaNtastic

    NaNtastic Guest

    Yea That is really true. I wish there was a Yes/No answer to my question, but I guess there is not.. I hope my good beliefs in people overall won't give me a stab in the back when I meet the guy tomorrow..
     
    #5 NaNtastic, Dec 27, 2013
  6. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    Being safe is paramount. This means meeting in a public place, sizing the person up, and not being afraid to back out if it feels wrong or you get a bad vibe. That should apply with any person regardless of age.

    As far as what you 'should' be doing. I would ask what the point of the encounter is? If you just want to have your first sexual experience and this guy is it just because he's willing, then that could be problematical (or not, depending on your feelings about sex, your first time, etc.). If you actually find the qualities he has attractive, whether because you find those qualities attractive in a guy regardless of age, or they are qualities that only someone around his age has, then you are an adult and presumably able to take care of yourself.

    Ultimately, it comes down to having to use your own best judgement.

    Todd
     
    #6 AKTodd, Dec 27, 2013
  7. Daydream Harp

    Daydream Harp
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    Umm where did you meet this guy and how for how long have you known him? Because not to be rude, but having a 40 year old man befriend a 18 year old only to have sex with him seems kinda sketchy to me. Just be very careful that he is not out to exploit you now, be sure both use condoms and that you are able to back out of the sex at any time, preferably also having the sex in a safe place that is easy to escape or call for help in. Sorry if I sound a bit mean spirited and paranoid, but yeah better safe than sorry. Best of luck with this no matter what you decide to do
     
    #7 Daydream Harp, Dec 27, 2013
  8. NaNtastic

    NaNtastic Guest

    Well, it is sketchy indeed. I will be meeting him at some bar where we will have a drink. Depending on how that goes we each ho home or go home together. I know older gays tend to have a weak spot for younger guys, so he might just be lucky to have met me. We met in a gaybar in a town where I don't live myself. We talked a little and exchanged numbers, we've been talking for just a week now and he's been giving me advice on whatever I didn't know yet. I feel like I'm not ready to make a choice in this situation yet.. :confused:

    I feel like telling him that (I'm naturally a person who speaks 90% of what he thinks), but then I think he would lose interest. And now I read that it feels like he is only doing this for his own pleasure.. I don't know :/
     
    #8 NaNtastic, Dec 27, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2013
  9. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    If you feel he's 'only doing this for his own pleasure' and you are doing this for some other reason, then that's potentially a problem, no matter what your ages.

    So, perhaps you should ask yourself that question: Why are you doing this exactly?

    Todd
     
    #9 AKTodd, Dec 27, 2013
  10. NaNtastic

    NaNtastic Guest

    Well, I would be doing it for my own pleasure too. I would not want a relationship, and I know he does not want that as well. It's just because that it would be my first time, that it makes me doubt if he would be worth losing my virginity to. Is it really worth waiting (for who)?
     
    #10 NaNtastic, Dec 27, 2013
  11. myheartincheck

    myheartincheck
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    If you have any hang ups, I'd leave sex out of the equation. When you're ready, you'll know for sure. If you can't talk openly about sex with him you probably aren't ready.

    Nevertheless it is your choice and remember to stay safe no matter how things turn out.
     
    #11 myheartincheck, Dec 27, 2013
  12. AKTodd

    AKTodd
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    Different people have different views about it being 'worth waiting'. I had my first experience with a guy in a toilet stall in a locker room after Taekwondo practice and met the second guy I ever had sex with from a number on a bathroom wall. Never bothered me in the slightest and I've never had any regrets about it. But that's me. I was never raised to consider virginity or sex to be of any particular consequence or importance anyway so had no feelings about it along those lines.

    If you do have feelings along those lines (and it sort of sounds like you do), then you may want to consider waiting until you are in a position to 'lose it' with someone you have an emotional connection to. Some people feel that the addition of an emotional connection adds an important component to their enjoyment of the act and their memories of it later. Others don't. Neither way is really the 'right' way in an objective sense but rather what is 'right' for a particular person.

    So, ask yourself what type of person you are, and how you feel about the prospect of doing this now, with this guy, under these circumstances. If you feel that it's not what you want, that you want that extra emotional component, or place a value on your virginity such that you will have regrets later about losing it this way - then you should probably reconsider your plans. If losing it this way won't bother you or lead to regrets based on your understanding of yourself - then we go back to the issues of safety that have already been discussed. If you're OK with those and all else feels right - then you're probably good to go. But again, whatever you do needs to be your decision and one you feel good about.

    Todd
     
    #12 AKTodd, Dec 27, 2013
  13. NaNtastic

    NaNtastic Guest

    Well, this has helped alot so far, thank you people :slight_smile: I will have a good night's think about this, and I'll post an update on this thread after tomorrow.
     
    #13 NaNtastic, Dec 27, 2013
  14. Chip

    Chip
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    Here's something that might be worth thinking about: Nearly all of the people I've spoken to who had a first experience for the sake of having a first experience, particularly with someone much older than they were, later regretted it. (There are actually a lot of threads about such things here in the EC archive, and they are also overwhelmingly, though not 100%, negative.)

    The excitement and arousal and idea of finally having sex with someone fueled the desire to meet up, but the actual experience often falls short, and often the person is left afterwards feeling sort of dirty and gross. This isn't always the case, but frequently enough that I feel safe in saying it's a pretty common experience.

    Now... feeling crappy about an isolated experience isn't life-changing, won't ruin your life, and likely won't have any serious impact in the long term, but to me at least, it gives some pause; if you place any value on what your first experience is like (and some do and some don't), then it might be worthwhile to think about whether this is the experience you'd like to look back on as a first-time thing.

    Also, not to be a wet blanket, but please be extraordinarily careful about drink spiking or ingesting anything that has even a remote possibility of having been tampered with. I've heard enough stories of people who have been date-raped after having something slipped in their drink, often when they weren't looking for just a moment, to say that you at least need to be aware. I hate to be telling you to take what could be a positive experience and making it an exercise in risk management, but again, just too many stories (some firsthand from people I've talked to, a few from here at EC) to not mention it.

    Finally, the last piece is giving consideration to what your goals are. If this is just a hookup / friends-with-benefits / one-time thing, that's one thing. If you're thinking this might turn into a relationship, then I also have to say the likelihood of that working out and being healthy is close to zero, because the age difference, particularly at your age, is simply too much to overcome; you're just becoming an adult, and this person is old enough to be your father, so there are going to be subtle and not-so-subtle power dynamics that will play out in the relationship that won't be healthy for you. This isn't simply opinion, but something pretty well documented in both the psych literature and in the clinical experience of a lot of mental health professionals.
     
    #14 Chip, Dec 27, 2013
  15. NaNtastic

    NaNtastic Guest

    Fwew, well I was not sleeping yet. Since I posted this, I have been thinking more and more critical about the whole situation. Maybe it's for the better.. I'm still going to meet him, but I'm buying my own drink and I wont let my eyes get off my drink haha. Because I know what can happen (A relative had been drugged once).. Maybe if nothing happens, my fantasy will stay a perfect fantasy that hasn't been letting me down when it became real? Right now I'm just already dissappointed in my own mind's power of expectations..
     
    #15 NaNtastic, Dec 27, 2013
  16. Starry Eyes

    Starry Eyes Guest

    I agree with this. A lot.
     
    #16 Starry Eyes, Dec 27, 2013
  17. Kasey

    Kasey
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    Which is why I want to form relationships first. I've been to that spot before. It sucks.
     
    #17 Kasey, Dec 27, 2013
  18. NaNtastic

    NaNtastic Guest

    Okay, let me give you guys an update on this.

    First thing he asked in the morning; "Do you know what you want?"
    Me: "Well, I want to meet up with you and see what happens"
    Him: "Yea, but what will happen if we get home?"
    So I told him I didn't know yet if I wanted to get home immediately. Now we have agreed that we shouldn't meet anymore, maybe in some years. Maybe I'm even a tad relieved over the feeling of dissapointment.. So this would be a really good thing, this makes me afraid of myself a bit :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    So I guess I'm strolling the 'market' of my own age again. Too bad there are so few of my age that can grow a nice beard :frowning2: Thank you all for thinking with me :slight_smile:
     
    #18 NaNtastic, Dec 28, 2013
  19. Chip

    Chip
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    Wow. Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but it sounds like he was interested in one thing, was trying to close the deal, and when you said no, he was no longer interested. If that's the case... you dodged a bullet.

    It takes time, but I think you'll have the best luck if you work on meeting people at places other than bars/clubs etc, because most people who are there are there for one reason. If you're looking for a more meaningful relationship to come out of it, I'd suggest you might try some activity groups for LGBT people. In reasonably sized metro areas, there are usually various types of LGBT social groups (hiking clubs, board game nights, book clubs, theater groups, etc) where you can meet a lot of interesting people. I think you'll find that the quality of the relationships you'll make will be stronger when they arise out of common interests and shared experiences.
     
    #19 Chip, Dec 28, 2013
  20. Starry Eyes

    Starry Eyes Guest

    This. Well said Chip.
     
    #20 Starry Eyes, Dec 28, 2013
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