I have been confused about my sexuality for a while now. When I was younger, I thought I was straight but was always homophobic when it came to thinking about being gay. I used to watch only straight porn but I started watching gay porn when I was 15 to the point where I know it turns me on a lot more than straight porn. Now I am 19 almost 20 and still very confused as to who I am. I feel like I want a relationship with a girl but I have constant homsexual urges. I feel moderately sexually attracted to girls and I think I'm emotionally attracted to them, where I only feel homosexual urges but not to any guy in general and I more experience these when I am alone. I am worried I'm lying to myself though and repressing my attraction to men, as when I would only consider hooking up with girls at the time being. I have been sexual with girls and did not feel overly excited with them but I still enjoyed it. I find it very easy to get hard with a girl but then it becomes difficult to climax. Any info you guys post would be greatly appreciated as I am feeling very unsure of myself.
Watching, or being interested in Gay Porn does not specifically mean you are gay. Even having a slight interest/attraction to guys *might* not mean you are gay/bi as well, it depends on how deep the attraction is. While you've said you have an emotional and sexual attraction to girls you've not stated what type of interest you have in guys besides "homosexual urges", as such I assume it is purely sexual? You've also said that it is not towards a guy general, and only when alone. Which I'm assuming means you've not found a specific guy in your life attractive/interesting? This is just my personal opinion. I think if it comes to a point where you: Start to fantasise about guys, just as much or more so and with simular or more effect then girls. Notice or become interested/attracted to specific guys in your life, rather than a blanket interest. (Develop a "type" preference) Develop emotional or romantic feelings towards guys. Can see yourself in a relationship with a guy. Or simular occur, then there is the obviously possibility that you are, or have some very strong Bisexual Curiosity. As it stands however with the information you've given I'd assume you may have a curiosity towards "Gay Sex" but little actual interest in a relationship with or guys in general. For the time being I think you'd be "Straight but Curious" or something like that. Though as you've said you've been slight homophobic in the past I understand it's possible you are understating or not fully aware of how deep your attractions runs. One last thing I'd like to add is there is no shame in, firstly being gay/bi, but additionally not being sure of your sexuality. Just as there is nothing wrong with having or even exploring curiosities associated with it (Just as long as you do so in a smart and safe manner). I hope in time you can become more sure of and accepting of your sexuality, in the mean time try not to worry about what "predefined label" society would give you. Just focus on being happy and finding someone to love (regardless of gender)
Thanks for your response Jason. I do find that I fantasize about men just as much or more but have never ever felt emotional attraction to them as it repulsed me think of dating a man. I do however feel emotionally attracted to girls so I might go with that. I am just scared that I will really like a girl then hurt her because of the urges I feel.
I'm happy I could happy in anyway. If your repulsed by the thought of being with a guy I say it's just a physical/sexual curiosity... it might develop or it might fade in time, or it might remain the same. Either way try not worry about it, it's just another little thing that makes you who you are, don't be ashamed or afraid of it. A friend of mine once said something that was rather sad but also made me realise the simple truth of the matter. All relationships end in pain. Even if your together with your high school sweet heart, have a happy family life and home and have been together with each other for 50 years. It ends in pain. Someone dies. And the other person is alone. It's a sad and sort of sickening thought... but it's also true, and it just highlights a point I'd like to make. We can not live in fear of what might, (or even what will) happen. We need to embrace each and every possible chance we can of finding happiness. We only get one life to do so. If you live fearing being hurt, or hurting others.... you will not live at all. So my advice, follow your heart. Find someone who makes you happy and be with them don't worry about what "might" happen. Just don't set out to hurt them and always be honest and open, and I don't think you will go wrong. I wish you all the best.
