Not sure whether I am Bisexual or Lesbian (i do not mean to offend anyone by this)

I'm sorry if i have offended anyone by saying such a thing in my title, but it's the most explanatory thing i could think of to express what i'm really trying to get across.

I find girls much more attractive than guys in their personality and their looks. Women, to me, anyway, just seem to have more to them. There is such beauty there it's astounding. When I think about being with a girl in a relationship aspect, not thinking about sex, I just feel comfortable, and kind of happy, though uneasy as i do when thinking of any relationship.
When i think of being in a relationship with a guy, it's never really interesting to me and my thought pattern slowly moves elsewhere

I might want children, but they scare me, sex with a dude scares me, pregnancy scares the living daylights out of me and i feel extremely ill whenether i think about birth. Nethertheless, when i think about having a baby and i am in a relationship with a woman, I don't feel scared, i feel overwhelmingly happy. On the one big occasion i thought about this, is the first time i have cried tears of happiness.

I have been alittle boy crasy in my crushes in the past, yes, but i never acted on them, and the way they interacted with my in my imagination, i realise now, was the way a female interacts with another female. And the things i wanted, were things i got with my friends who were girls, the intimacy of it all. I have felt something towards them, sure, but it's never been anything other than me thinking they were cool, really, there was never a want to be with them, but to kind of look at them, and be friends. They intrigued me, but i didn't want anything with them. I do have feelings for a girl I am really close friends with at the moment. It's nothing like any of the crushes i have felt with those guys, I do want to be with her, to hold her and be with her for an unforseen amount of time. She is bi, but she has a boyfriend. I wouldn't do anything to split them up, but this isn't like anything i've really felt before. in guys i always find things i don't like about them very soon, but i can't find anything in her through all the years i've known her. It has been the same with two other girls i have kind of felt the same way about.

I have had a relationship with a guy in the past, but i soon found it really difficult to be around him. I didn't like him touching me, or getting close to me, really. To this day i don't feel comfortable at all around him. I just turned into a toy doll, i wasn't present, i didn't feel comfortable ever, i wouldn't really talk but i didn't think anything was wrong. I think i just wanted to pretend that nothing was going on. He asked me out, i said yes, but i never saw it going anywhere at all, and he did. He asked to kiss me and it terrified me. He talked about kids and i freaked out.

I can't make eye contact with guys for very long without having to break it because i feel uncomfortable, the same for sitting too close. Whereas with girls, i can lay on them however i choose, unless i feel i might do something innaporporiate, which has happened a few times and do not have to break eye contact nearly a often.

I felt nothing when he did anything except a hint of terror. I can't watch straight people kiss in movies, it grosses me out and i find it difficult to witness.

When i think about doing anything with a guy, i don't really feel anything except sometimes alittle sleepy and i usually yawn, but when i think about just really kissing a girl, there is definitely a strong reaction where my legs turn to jelly, i feel really sort of dazed and my tongue swells up.

I have not watched any lesbian porn, really, but straight sex doesn't really do anything for me anyway. Honestly, I can only respond to sex scenes if the woman is heard to be enjoying herself. Though I do sometimes watch gay porn, but not so much anymore.

So, i'm not really sure anymore. I don't want to call myself bisexual because there are some negative connotations in my community of a girl calling herself as such, but if i call myself a lesbian, and then go out with a guy, that's just another negative connotation to add to the mix. And i don't want to call myself something i'm not.
Sorry for how long it is, but i do desperately need some help here
Any help you can give would be fantastic
Thank you for reading

 

Re: Not sure whether I am Bisexual or Lesbian (i do not mean to offend anyone by this

thank you both for responding, sorry it took me so long to reply
it's nice to know that there are people out there who really care about helping a sister out
i now kind of know that I am definately queer (i find it better to say that as it is a umbrella term and it makes me feel comfortable) , but i don't hate guys, i just don't really want a relationship with them. I can flirt with girls, am more comfortable around girls and i crushes i feel now, for women, are like goddamn juggernaugts compared to the crushes i had on dudes. I find them intriguing sometimes but i don't have any real desire to be with one