1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Unrealistic attractions

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by GrandmasterHook, Dec 28, 2013.

  1. GrandmasterHook

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Penciltucky
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I expect my first post here to be borderline "life story" so I greatly appreciate anyone taking the time to read this through. I did my duty and perused about 6 pages of this forum and the rules to familiarize myself with this community.

    I am posting this because, though I'm beginning to accept being gay, I'm finding who I'm attracted to conflicts with my moral compass. For you to understand me and perhaps help me, I will need to tell you a bit about myself.

    My sexuality has been a source of confusion and negative feelings for half of my life. My attitudes towards who I was and my ways of dealing with life have taken me in many directions. I abused drugs for about 13 years, and the most influential part of my search for answers has been in my recovery from addiction. Part of that recovery has been to look at all areas of my life, including where I refused to accept myself. I am serious about leaving that old lifestyle behind me, which is why I so willingly opened up to being honest with myself in all areas, a big part being my sexuality.

    I have always known I was gay, but my willingness to look at this has varied, mostly leaning towards complete lack of acceptance and self-hate. That trend has loosened in the past year as I've grown to see acceptance of my sexuality as essential to ongoing growth.

    The only innate sexual attraction I have had is towards my same-sex peers. When I say innate, I mean this: With no outside interaction my fantasies and desires are and always have been 99% homosexual in nature. I have become sexually stimulated from a girl but I have come to realize that it was the physical closeness I was getting aroused by.

    Please understand if you're in for reading what very well could be a wall of text, that the detail I go into, I consider relevant for myself and anyone else, to fully comprehend how I got here.

    Due to social awkwardness, emotional sensitivity, and/or "high functioning autism" I perceived things to the extreme. I so feared pain, and the emotional pain of rejection was so great, that I had to avoid it at all costs. I was not just reserved. I was guarded - at all times, any peer in school could exploit a vulnerability and subject me to pain. I most felt this towards my male peers, 'cause boys are cruel.

    I'm not sure if this longing for acceptance converted to sexual attraction, nor do I care, really. The need to be accepted did turn me to drugs. At no point did I ever see a reason to socialize with girls - it was too far beyond my comfort zone, and the sexual attraction wasn't there.

    What my perceptions did tell me was that gay was bad - from everything my peers said, if you were gay you were the subject of ridicule, physical violence, etc. Considering my need to avoid rejection and pain at all costs, I couldn't permit myself to be myself for fear of being outed.

    I was too afraid to act on my urges even after high school. I had my fantasies of giving some of my hotter peers head, but if I dare think I'd actually -do- it, on with self-imposed hate.

    I finally got into a relationship with a girl. She'd always tell me to calm down when we'd kiss. I'd get so tense, because it just wasn't comfortable for me. Eventually the time came that I had her in bed and I was ready to go, but she rejected my advances for me being "too nice". The relationship fizzled off. Soon I was getting involved in drugs again and took a big risk, and ended up being severely injured. A number of years of my life were blanked while I physically recovered and was stuck self-medicating on a daily diet of heroin and ketamine.

    Eventually the consequences of my drug use got to be too much, so I sought recovery. And through my commitment to that process, I have begun to look at and accept my sexuality.
    I still have some residual negative self-talk but I am working on that. I have been scoping out one of those location-aware hookup apps, however I'm not so quick to hook up. If anything I would like to try a relationship, a friendship which would proceed to intimacy if it feels right.

    The biggest issue I am having, which still brings me confusion, is my expectations in a partner. I have been so disconnected from reality, my fantasies are unlikely. A source of confusion is that I find guys 10 years younger than me attractive sexually, however it's not what I care to pursue due to age and maturity differences.

    I find any body hair a big turn-off. In my isolation I have developed this ideal scenario, even taking it so far as to epilate my entire body. I have been so physically distanced, in a culture I perceived as not permitted for males to have physical contact. So my fantasy has grown far from reality. I'm conflicted, because I can't imagine meeting my ideal guy - it's like I want it, but with conditions so limiting as to be impossible. I just want to be close to someone, something I wouldn't let myself do before.

    If anyone could just share something I could relate to, it'd be very helpful.
     
  2. sanguine

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2011
    Messages:
    731
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney Australia
    So whats your ideal guy?,
    from what Im getting at hes 10 years younger and is hairless, doesnt sound that bad.

    Alot of guys dont like body hair either and do prefer to shave. Is there something Im missing?

    Maybe you're too use to the idea of dating someone who is female, so its warped your ideal man into someone who is effeminate? is that where you're getting at?
    Nothing wrong with that, if anything thats one man less to worry about when it comes to people posting, no fems on their dating profiles lol.

    Or maybe its this idea that you waited so long to accept yourself/come out, and you're missing out/running out of time to find someone and truly be happy, because afterall, whats the point in coming out right? maybe thats it?
     
    #2 sanguine, Dec 29, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2013
  3. GrandmasterHook

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Penciltucky
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Not really, I think there are two factors:
    1. I think it's creepy for 30 year old men to date barely-20-year-old women;
    2. I am not interested in older men, and find it creepy when a man 10 years my senior hits on me. I don't want to be that guy.

    Actually I've only "dated" proper 1 girl, and only have had 2 girl "friends" I've talked to more than a quick "Hello how are you". I'm sure that's not it. I'm less a fan of effeminate guys, but I guess I'd change my mind if he was hot.

    I think this could have developed in defiance of taboo. I had shaved off all my body hair on multiple occasions years before accepting my being gay. I just really liked the way it felt, in a way that skin-on-skin contact unimpeded by hair is a fetish of mine (which has never been realized).

    As I stated in my first post, I caused a lot of damage and lost sensation in my remaining hand so, my skin is now my more sensitive tactile sense. During my process of accepting myself I had just wanted to do this. I did it in the winter, but let my body hair grow for fear of other's suspicions about why a man would shave his legs/etc.

    Last summer I decided I didn't really care anymore, that being myself was more important than anyone's opinion. I had already talked about my inclinations to my roommates, close friends, and mom (who has known about my confused sexuality linked to depression since I was 15), and then realized I could really do this if I so wanted.

    So in a way, removing all my body hair was a statement to myself like "hey, no one criticized me like I thought they would". No one said anything, and the routine helped me face my fears some.

    (I could theorize all day about this.)

    I just want to be happy, be close to someone. My abstinence from physical contact may have turned any touching for me into having sexual connotations, as long as it's with my ideal guy. Even with my second "girlfriend" (it was an intimate friendship), all she'd have to do is lay her head in my lap and I'd get a stiffy.

    Understand that, the way I perceived what is "acceptable" behavior when I was in my teens, was to give no indication that I might be gay. I spent so much energy being mindful of what behaviors of mine might be construed as gay, going so far as to jerking my knee away if I'm sitting next to a friend and our knees make contact. This constant fear of judgment led to avoiding physical contact, which only made my desire grow.

    I'll still scope out this common hookup app but I'm not quick to bite. I am not sure what I like yet.
     
  4. sanguine

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2011
    Messages:
    731
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney Australia
    I think you're paranoid about the shaving thing, all the guys I know who shave arent even gay, and their excuse is that they think girls dont like hairy men, and this is coming from guys who are labour workers, athletes and gym rats, I watched a documentary called 'brotox' where a leading male cosmetic surgeon said the most asked question by men were if there were procedures to remove hair permanently or if there were procedures to stop sweating completely were available, and I doubt all these men who go under the knife are gay men.

    Being happy isnt a crime, but the idea that being in a relationship with the ideal guy, would bring you that happiness is a typical disaster.
    What I suggest, especially if you are still coping with the idea of being gay, is to just build good relationships with people around you, start making some good friends or get to a stage where you can be open to more people about being gay.
    Its easier to find someone when you are completely comfortable with who you are and what you want, that way you arent so desolated.

    To be honest I dont like hookup apps, I'd pick dating sites over them and I dont even like dating sites either.
    To me, hookup apps are just tools for instant gratification, and I think alot of people, especially the younger guys who go on it dont understand that there are pretty major consequences, like your self worth and an addiction for attention or lack thereof, and dangers, like you dont know who you're talking to on the other side, and them knowing where you could possibly living.

    I wouldnt say that you couldnt find a meaningful relationship on it though, its possible, heck I know a guy who found a bf on it, and its funny because they were both cheating on they current bfs on it at the time, just purely hooking up, then they left the relationships and are going strong together for a whole year now.
     
  5. GrandmasterHook

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2013
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Penciltucky
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Thank you sanguine, them be some wise words. I have already found instant gratification for me leads to bad results. I've been patient so far, so no reason I can't wait a bit more. I also realize my tastes may change.

    I think I'm letting myself get confused by this ideal I have had for a sexual encounter, not a lasting relationship. The object of my lust, I can't expect this scenario to play out and be anything more than a one-time thing.

    What I am starting to realize and accept is that my attractions may change if I start with friends, and grow to love someone in a healthy way, for who they are.

    Now I actively seek to plant those seeds, in finding the right avenue for safe exploration of a healthy relationship progressing at a natural pace.

    Thank you for your input.