Firstly, I'd just like to say hi and I'm new here. I came across this forum when doing an internet search and I've read through a few posts and thought it would be a great help if I register and get some advice/opinions on my situation. Where do I even begin..? :-/ OK... From a young age I was always a little different. I'd preferred to play with boys toys rather than Barbie lol and I always had male friends. I found myself having crushes on much older woman. I figured it was normal and I guess it was just admiration. Getting in to my teen years, even though I had many boyfriends (not at the same time) I was never really attracted to them. I didn't find them physically or even sexually attractive (I wasn't sexually active). It was just the 'norm' to have a boyfriend and date boys. There was never that 'spark/butterflies' feeling, I couldn't find myself getting close to guys, I just wasn't interested but I could quite easily get close and fall quite quickly for girls. Not all girls mind, only those who I became close friends with and we had such a great friendship, a connection, we just clicked and that would be it, I'd fall for them. Ugh! However, being 'that way' (as my family put it) was forbidden & anyone as such should 'burn in hell'. They was quite happy to disown anyone who turns out to be 'that way'. I found myself dating a guy and I stuck with him. He was (still is) the perfect man. Charming, handsome, very caring. He's everything a woman could ask for in a man.! We've been together for many, MANY years and I love him dearly. I don't however, connect with him a on sexual level. I have no interest in sex at all. Not just with him though, I had no interest in having sex with any males or perhaps, no sex at all with anyone. I've just no interest in it at all! (That could change with a woman though) I've been very open with him and I've told him this and he said he understands and he's fine with that. I still sleep with him because I do love him and it wouldn't be fair on him if I didn't & I really don't mind at all... It's just, I feel nothing. Here's where I'm confused. I don't look at woman and think 'oh wow, she's hot' or any such thoughts. I do admire beauty though. I just don't look at them in a sexual way BUT... If I happen to get close and really connect with a woman, well that's it then. They only need to hug me, touch my arm, brush past me.. Or even if I just get a text or hear their name mentioned... I get butterflies, nervous, sweaty palms etc, all of that. I can't help it and no matter how much I try fight against it, it just happens. It always happens with women though which is what I'm finding very confusing. I don't want to date women, I don't want to be in a relationship with a woman or spend the rest of my life with one... I want all of that with the man I am with but I don't feel those feelings with him as I do with a woman I get close to. I can't even describe those feelings. They're so strong and it makes me want to do anything for them to keep them happy. I've told my partner all of this and told him that I'm totally committed to him either way because I love him and he was very understanding and he thinks I'm bi-curious. I don't think I am. I'm not sure what I am? I know people say you should label yourself but I really want to know and understand my sexual orientation. I know I've probably missed a lot of info out, I just can't put it all in to one message, it's just all too much :-/
First off, welcome to EC! I know you said that you don't want to date a woman or be in a relationship with one - why is that? Is it because you don't feel any kind of emotional attraction towards them? Or, is it because that seems like it wouldn't be the "right" (in the eyes of family, friends society, etc.) thing to do?
Hi Alex, thanks for taking the time to read all of that haha It was quite a lot to read. :-/ To answer your question(s): Emotional attraction: I get very emotionally attracted to women. All I want to do is to hold them, cuddle whilst watching a movie etc and I'd do anything to make them happy. That emotional attraction is only there though after I've formed a close bond and gotten to know and love their personality. Which would make sense because how can one be emotionally attracted to someone they don't know? :-/ that's just me blabbering on. Despite this, I still don't want a relationship with a woman and don't see myself having one. I happy with the man I'm with. I may not be sexually happy but that aside, I'm happy and I love him and I want a family with him. Not just because it's what's expect as the 'norm' but because I want this! I don't want to throw all that away on something that could just be curiosity or nothing at all. Family condemning: Yes, this would have been a factor at an earlier age. This stopped me exploring, if I ever intended to. I guess if I had of acted on my feelings, I'd know who I am now. But I was scared of the outcome. It's hard having a homophobic family. So I found a man, settled with him and he grew on me. By that sense, I mean I love him and it's working great, but the none sexual attraction is what's throwing me off. At first I thought I was asexual. With me not having any sexual desires but I realised this was towards men and any woman I got close to, it was different... So then, would that make me demisexual? Even though I have no desire to pursue a relationship with a woman and don't see myself dating one, being in it for the long haul, I would still like to know and understand what's going on with me.
Hey welcome!! This maybe be very easy to misinterpret your feelings when you post! So use what people tell you as guidance but not an answer! Anyways my opinion from your second post is that you do like girls! And as for guys, well your romantically in love with him. As anyone will tell you. Sexual orientation and romantic are 2 different things and each can have its own label! But still continue to figure yourself out no rush, trust me I know the pain of wanting to know
I agree that there's no rush. But having such thoughts for as long as I can remember, can be quite the weight on ones shoulders when there's no answer. Just total confusion. Thanks.
Why have the weight on your shoulder! Is it the fact that you want to go be with a women and dont know how to do it or what to do that's causing this since you are with your boyfriend?
For many, many years I've been struggling with this. Dating males and always feeling like 'something' was missing. That being the sexual side of things. It's not nice going through the confusion, struggles, questions of what a person 'is'. It's also not so straight forward. Whatever the outcome, more questions will arise. Should I do this/that? How will so and so person react? Should I stay or go? Etc. it opens up a lot more questions. Questions which I've already pondered but can't find the answers to because the first step it knowing. I can't learn to accept myself and be happy in all aspects, if I don't know who/what I am. So yes, this has become quite the struggle, very depressing and is a weight on ones shoulders. I'd say the latter.
