One answer, more questions....

Where to start.
My head has been driving me crazy.

I think I have discovered that I have actually been suppressing my sexual attraction/urges/energy my whole life.
I think I have never actually experienced these "amazing" animalistic energies when it has come to sex. The only experience I've had ( with both men and women ) has been like something I just did because it was expected of me. I thought I wanted it, I thought this was what was meant by "great sex" . But it was never really a priority for me and while having a relationship was, and the romance, and loving, and making a partner feel good, I never felt the need to have sex ( okay maybe just a lil bit).

Now, it could be that I am only feeling these urges for the first time, ( or I am having acid flashbacks but I think the former is more likely :L ). But if that is the case, I am VERY selective it would seem when it comes to these uncontrolable feelings. ( it's like a surge or impulse.).

I am finding more and more that I don't want to kiss men, but I still want the attention, or I want the company of one man, but I am not wanting sex with them as much ( if at all ). And while I think I am beginning to discover my true attractions for females, I don't want to act on it just yet, and I think I will only be able to do it with someone I either know and am very attracted to, or get to know someone I find attractive. No one night stands.

I still feel like I have a couple straight ONS in me and I like the cuddling and romantic aspects a man can give, and I only feel that way about certain girls ( but I see them as more sisters and I would feel weird having sex with them ).

I feel like I have past the point of no return in so many aspects of my life right now. I feel like I don't think I can put my sexuality to the back burner for much longer, and that I must deal/face it now. But I still feel like I want to end up with a man, or at least have myself a male bestfriend I can cuddle and occassionally have sex with, and have a female lover...or two.

I feel a bit paranoid that so many people in my life are in the closet ( like my parents or my friends and junk like this ) and I don't know how much stock to put in that ( because as rediculous as it sounds I believe there is valid reasons ) and then I start to think maybe everyone is a little gay/bi/whatever..... I also feel like everyone can tell or judge ( i am a target for judgement enough from the way i dress and always have been.... went through all the phases ). I know a few people like me who I assume are closeted but want to come out, but i don't feel open enough to talk about this. I'm not ready to have any serious discussion with someone in real life about this and I wil;l only be ready to kiss a girl if the moment takes me. But if a guy kisses me, ( or the one guy i think i could love ) I will go with that too, because I do enjoy them ( and kissing in general ), it just feels a bit lack lustre although i think if i practice mindfulness and stay in the moment as opposed to worrying, it could be better.....

Sorry for the rant but when one thing seems clear ( and that terrifies me ) it takes a while to accept. And then that brings on even more questions. It's like my whole life I just assumed all my relationships had no problems and sex just wasn't all that ( even solo jobs were just okay ) but these new feelings make me think I've just suppressed a lot or genuinely only felt them recently..... More questions and more denial to face I think.....:bang::bang::bang: