I'm on the verge of turning 18. Being so close to becoming an adult and the new year coming too, I like to look back on my journey to this turning point in my life. However, in my 18 years of life, I have always struggled with one thing: my identity. I think this struggle came from my older sister prodding me with questions whether I liked girls or not at a young age. The question had never occurred to me and she always asked because I was such a tomboy. It always bugged me that she thought I was and so I decided to only hang out with boys to the point where my mom forced me to get some girl friends. I didn't like pink or girly clothing but I did like them -- I liked them as friends. I even made a really solid relationship with one of them too! even though I was beyond awkward and confused. I tried to ignore how deep the friendship was because it made me uncomfortable on how close girls get to one another. During March and April, however, I found someone to help me distance myself from my friend. He was charming, gentlemanly, and my bestfriend and we fell for each other during Spring Fever. But my friend didn't want me to fall into a relationship and become one of those "married couples" we made fun of at school and so we hung out with each other when I wasn't with my boyfriend. We got so close that I felt suffocated; with her, with my boyfriend, and with everyone else. Out of nowhere I dumped my boyfriend. He was crushed and I cried a lot because I didn't know why I broke up with him and because I lost my him as a friend. I put myself in a bubble and I got depressed. She popped that bubble and tried to help and I so wanted to be helped by her. At sleepovers we cuddled up and talked about how we could be roommates in college and made plans for the future. She had a crush on a guy and so I flirted with guys to add to the conversation of boys. We joked around about being each others valentines and she wrote me letters and so many nice things that I got scared again. I've always dated boys and crushed on them and so feeling some sort of attachment other than a basic friendship began deteriorate everything I knew before. There is this one time, we were watching a movie and she started to cry at a sad scene and I chuckled (I was always the emotionally strong one) and she put her head on my shoulder (even tho i am way shorter -- she must've hurt her neck) and I put my arm around and my hand on her hand to comfort her. She stroked my hand and i put my cheek on her head. We were the last to leave the theater and we walked back to the car and she insisted on walking with her arm through mine (like we always did) but for the first time, I was uncomfortable with that. Over the next few weeks I stopped being me. I asked her what she wanted from me and everytime she tried to get closer I pushed myself towards this guy I like -- but of course was an asshole. My friend was crushed, I was depressed, and the guy was oblivious but happy with me. We went to prom separately (something we said we would do together) and since then we have barely talked. She found another friend to call when she is upset or happy and for a long time, I wished that I had done things differently. I just don't know what I would've changed. Not breaking up with my boyfriend or living in my little land of Us (me and her)? Her new friend and her and closer than I could've imagined. They are so close that many people have asked me if they are together. I don't even know. Now, I here writing this long thing -- finally happy that a small version of my predicament is on the page and not in my brain. After all this... I have no clue if I really liked my boyfriend or the girl. Was it all an infatuation? or was it me trying to find my true identity? SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG!!
