Hey y'all. I've noticed something about my sexual/romantic preferences and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced the same thing and how it has affected your relationships (or lack thereof). As far as attraction goes, I find that I am almost exclusively attracted to straight male friends. I don't currently have a crush on anyone, but when I do it is usually on someone I know pretty well, and who is presumably straight. I can see a random guy on the street and think "he's attractive" but I would never want to have sex without also being romantically attracted to him. And I would never be romantically attracted to someone without first being good friends with them for a while. I found the term "demiromantic," and I think this fits me pretty well. I often imagine myself in a relationship sometime in the future, and when I do I think about how I would go about pursuing potential partners and how our relationship would develop. I rarely consider the practical way of doing this, which is to meet other gay guys online or to socialize with other gay people in order to meet someone. Instead I imagine that I become friends with a guy who appears to be straight. As our friendship develops, so do our romantic feelings for each other, until we both confess our true feelings and things progress from there. Obviously this is a ridiculous expectation, but it's the only thing that seems "right" to me. When I try to imagine having a relationship without first building a deep friendship, it doesn't seem right. The idea of becoming friends with an openly gay guy and then falling in love also seems forced, and doesn't seem natural to me. Has anyone else experienced these feelings? Have you had a relationship and if so, how did you make it happen? I'd appreciate your feedback.
I've never been in a relationship so my experience in this area is limited. I think what you are saying about the friends before lovers makes a great deal of sense. If you really know and understand someone prior to starting a relationship chances are it's to last longer and simply be better. Committing yourself to a relationship with someone you don't know much about means it's more likely to have negative elements. Though I think the exploring and learning about someone is just a normal part of a relationship. As for needing to be friends and socialize with people to work out if they are suitable relationship material, it shouldn't really feel forced because you should be looking for friends as your primary goal. Attraction should just magically happen. If you are actively seeking a relationship this is more difficult because you always have the end result in mind while trying to be friendly. Try not to worry about finding a relationship, in my opinion attraction is something that will just happen with the right people at the right time. Instead work on expanding your social network, and don't feel compelled to remain friends with everyone you meet. Eventually you'll have a good group of friends and hopefully someone will peak your romantic interest. As for the idea that you consider unrealistic (it is very unlikely, but) I assumed I was straight and was friends with a gay guy for a few years, and then one day I started to realize something... and now I'm here. Like I said, attraction is a magical thing, don't rule anything out but don't expect it.
I've had several different relationships lasting from a year to 17yrs (my current one). If you prefer to become friends first and have that develop into romance, I don't see that as a problem, although it would seem to me that you'd want to put yourself in situations where you have a good chance of making lots of friend, in particular gay or bi friends, to increase the odds of making a friend who would have the capacity to return your feelings if they were to develop in a romantic direction. A straight guy can't do that. That said, I am a bit concerned about your statement that you don't like the idea of making friends/developing a relationship with an openly gay guy. What's wrong with openly gay guys? You seem to be ruling out either friendships or relationships with them, which seems somewhat counter-productive on several fronts. Can you explain this part in a bit more detail please? Todd
Thanks for your responses. I probably should have been a little more clear in my original post. It's not that I have a problem with openly gay guys or with being friends with them. It's just that the idea of falling in love with an openly gay guy seems kind of weird to me. It seems more natural to have a "straight" friendship (even if we are gay, the other person doesn't know) and then to develop feelings from there. But of course this is a rare occurrence. I think this might have something to do with the fact that I'm still mostly closeted and that I'm not in a social setting where I'm around other gay guys. The way it is right now, I would have to go out of my way to be friends with other gay guys, so to me the whole thing would seem forced and awkward. Plus, the majority of openly gay guys (or at least the ones I know of) aren't "my type" so maybe I have this feeling that the only way I'm going to find what I'm looking for is in a straight guy.
