I am so confused. I have always been very open about supporting LGBT rights, have participated in alliances, and I am from a very gay-friendly city (Asheville). There is no reason for me to be ashamed or scared to be a lesbian, but I think I subconsciously am. I've never identified as a lesbian or even bisexual. I've had 4 "serious" relationships with guys, all lasting at least a year, all ending the same way, with them saying they knew I wasn't in love with them. Even though I argued and said I was, I've always known deep down I have never had any type of in love or romantic-like feelings for men. I've had crushes on girls since I was about 12 (that's the first time I can ever remember having a crush on anyone). I kissed my first girl when I was 14- it was magical, but I didn't even attempt to get close to another girl until I was 19. I've always had a high sex drive, which is confusing, because I love sex with men, but I love sex with myself just as much. I had my first and only sexual experience with a girl when I was 19. It was the closest I've ever felt to anyone, and I honestly think that scared the crap out of me so I never attempted to be with a girl again.... I don't even know what I'm asking. I'm just confused. And a hot mess.
Not sure what sort of advice you're looking for or if you just wanted someone to listen. From what you have said I'd say maybe you are bisexual. But that's just my opinion on it.
You say that you love sex with men but cannot have romantic feelings for them, and that you love sex with women and you can have romantic feelings for them. It seems to me that you may be a homoromantic bisexual. You had 4 serious relationships with men, but could never produce romantic feelings. Some may say you just haven't found the right guy, but in my opinion, I think guys can only make you feel good sexually; and that'll never last. I was also 14 when I was kissed by a girl, and like you said, it was magical. As time went on, I finally accepted that I like women and only find men slightly attractive. It was terrifying for me at first, especially since I live in a very Conservative state. But I just told myself that this is the way I am and that I'll be happier loving myself despite how I feel. Now I'm proud to be this way because I met awesome friends and am now in a serious relationship with the most amazing woman I've ever met.
