I just registered for this forum because I am very confused about what I am. I have nobody to talk to about it and the thought of possibly being gay or bi has been really bothering me. Its starting to get to the point where I have been in a weird mood for the past month or so and the though can't escape my mind. I think the fact that I am graduating college in spring has escalated all my tension and stress and to be totally honest, I hate the fact that I might not be straight. I consider myself a very masculine guy and would never want anyone in the world to know I am confused on my sexuality but I have been getting to the point where I need to talk to someone because its having a negative impact on me. I feel I would lose everything I have and know if I were to even bring this up with my friends or family. I have been getting a lot of pressure from my family as to why I don't have a girlfriend and I just tell them that at school I hookup with different girls all the time and don't want or need a girlfriend in college because I don't want to be tied down to one person. This has been my go to answer since I would never want my parents to think I have these thoughts and know It would be one of the biggest dissapointment of their life If I were gay. I have never been attracted to any guy my age and am only attracted to older masculine men which I know is an even weirder thing. This is the first time I have even though about saying these words because it is something I am so uncomfortable with and wish I didn't feel this way. I have never had a great relationship with any girls my age really and although I hookup with girls when Im drunk and have had sex once, I am not attracted or too interested in them. I have felt this way for years but I don't know If i just need to push myself to get more serious with a girl I can find that I like or what. If I were to be gay, I would be in the closet about it and not express any feelings until I am much older and change my life and live somewhere else and found the right person (which is hard because I am not into openly gay guys i don't think). I have felt really alone recently and am realizing Im not letting people get to close to me because I have this secret Im scared it would get exposed. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
You should just be honest with yourself about who you want to be with. Imagine some different scenarios and think about how you feel with girls and guys. Don't worry about what others think, because it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, who you know, what you like, what you say, how smart you are, how much you weigh, what you look like, how good you are, how tall you are, what language you speak or what you believe in, people are going to judge you. So, if you're going to be judged you might as well be doing something you love.
Being gay/bi and being masculine are not mutually exclusive. And by 'openly gay guys' I'm going to guess you mean guys who 'fit the stereotype'. While these guys are more obvious there are a lot of masculine gay guys around as well, they just aren't as obvious. There are gay guys who love sports, live to work on their vehicles, and like to go to the shooting range to unwind. There are gay construction workers and police/firefighters and soldiers. Regardless, you should always treat everyone with respect whether they are your 'type' or not. As far as being attracted to older guys, that's actually not that hugely unusual based on what I've seen on EC and my personal experience (my partner is 13yrs older than I am). How much of an age difference you are attracted to can lead to some issues, but since you haven't specified, won't get into that. If being in the closet is putting a damper on your life, then at some point you should consider coming out and just being yourself fully. Some people will totally accept it, some won't care, and some won't like it. But you can't live your life (And especially live an unhappy life) based on what other people might or might not think of how you live. It's not their life and not their business, really. Baby makes excellent points in this regard, btw. Hope this helps, Todd
I can relate with a lot of what you said. I basically ignored my attraction to guys. I would watch gay porn quite frequently, and I knew I was attracted to guys, but I was in denial about it. I just went on with my normal life as a college guy trying to fit in. It sounds to me like you may be some form of bisexual who may like guys more than girls. I am pretty much the same way, but prefer not to stick to labels. If you are attracted to older masculine men there is really nothing more strange about that than being attracted to slightly younger blond girls, or whatever. The point is it is only strange because society makes it feel strange. Sure your attraction may not be the norm but you are definitely not the only one (I am a masculine guy who is in a relationship with an older masculine guy, just to give one example). My advice to you is to learn to accept your attractions, and get over the fact that you may not be what society deems "normal". This is what I struggled with and had to overcome to finally be happy with my life. Granted I still have a lot of work to go myself. Anyways, I hope this helps man. And if you need someone to talk to feel free to shoot me a line on my wall on here.
