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Here's my story, I guess

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Quinneth, Jan 2, 2014.

  1. Quinneth

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    So hey guys, I just made my account even though I've browsed some other's threads about question their sexuality - so I guess I'm following suit.

    My story:

    From the stories stated by my parents I would flirt with every girl, once when I was little (four or five?) my dad taught me how to wink so when we visited stores I would wink at girls. Another time when I was on a soccer team I'd flirt with the coach's fiance. Then I, obviously, never questioned what I was since I didn't know others could be attracted to the same sex.

    You know in 5th grade when you're given the puberty talk, where your gym teacher or school's nurse comes into the room, separates the males from the girls just to watch the video of how your body is going to be changing for several years. At first, like anyone, we were all disgusted but simultaneously confused about all this information. After the video we were given a brochure of everything, who to ask if you have questions and the general concept of what's going on. I flipped it and noticed a drawing of a penis, I was intrigued by it and wanted to read more into it, so after school I would go back home and research information about this, and yes that means see other guys naked. I was aroused immediately - I did this up until now. Didn't find out about masturbating until later on and I also didn't consider myself gay... probably since I didn't know the difference yet.

    Since middle school, I've had at least two girlfriend.. but never did anything since that was everyone's *awkward* stage, by the time I was in 8th grade though I was worried about getting a girlfriend and if sex was an instance that occurred if I was able to "get it up" for her. That thought has been in my head since then, especially since I was worried now if I way gay. The town I lived in is very small, and with that being said students are pretty closed minded. I would date a girl just to avoid people questioning me, but yet we didn't do anything. Went to prom yes, dates.. yes but never kissed. Until I met a girl that went to a school a few miles away. We've been talking on and off for one and half years I believe and have "dated"/talked seven-eight times - some of it is both our faults. My reasoning is not knowing if I liked her others worried if she wanted sex if I wouldn't be able to get an erection then her being pissed, especially since one of her exes did come out as gay after they've kissed.

    We've only just recently (in 2013) hooked up, went on a date and made out in my car. When we did all I could think about (other then kissing) is when this conclude. I still get that way when we kiss or anything, as well as get butterflies when I'm about to go with her or have her hang out. I'm not sure whether or not I wait until have sex, see if maybe I'm just worried about nothing and I am straight and even if I am then cool. Or do I still do that, and if I'm gay how do I end it? Without her getting depressed. I could also break it off before we do anything.

    Another thing to say is I can only get aroused by gay porn/pictures. I've tried looking at straight porn and it doesn't do anything unless I play with myself, hope that doesn't sound too bad).

    So thanks for listening to my story and in advance I really appreciate everyone that comments to help, it does mean a lot.
     
  2. Quinneth

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    Oh I guess I forgot to add that I'm concerned whether I'm gay or not
     
  3. AKTodd

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    Hi, Welcome to EC:slight_smile:

    In and of itself, porn isn't a great indicator of orientation.

    What happens if you just try masturbating to fantasy alone? No pictures, just your imagination? If you just let your mind go and let the fantasy go where it wants with no preconceptions and no judgement, do you end up fantasizing about sex with a man or with a woman?

    If you are out and about, do you find yourself checking out men or women?

    If you think about your future, do you see yourself having a relationship with a man or a woman? Can you imagine having romantic/loving feelings for a man?

    Todd
     
  4. Quinneth

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    When I masturbate I do replay the porn videos I have seen in the past or of the one I just recently watched. Does that help at all? When I'm working or just walking around a store I will notice both, but only do I get aroused by men.. but with a woman I will say "Oh yeah, she's pretty cute." If I ever wanted to sleep with them I'm not sure if I would actually since I'm not sure if I can get "excited". Seeing places and being with someone when I'm older I've pictured a guy more often versus a girl. Only thing with a girl is seeing have a family when I get asked if I want kids, even though I do not 100%.

    If I'm gay then it's completely fine, I've already talked about this with one friend and I'm pretty much thinking I am gay - I think I just have to go out and have a sexual occurrence with a male to find the solution.
     
  5. AKTodd

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    You do seem to be leaning pretty strongly to the gay side of things:slight_smile:

    As far as fantasies, try just making something up out of your own imagination sometimes. It's good practice just on general principles.

    It's quite possible to have children as a gay man, either via adoption or surrogacy (assuming you want children of course).

    Todd

    ---------- Post added 3rd Jan 2014 at 01:09 PM ----------

    You do seem to be leaning pretty strongly to the gay side of things:slight_smile:

    As far as fantasies, try just making something up out of your own imagination sometimes. It's good practice just on general principles.

    I can easily tell when a woman is pretty or nicely done up and I'm 100% gay. That really doesn't mean anything. There is a vast multimillion dollar industry whose only purpose is to program you with certain ideas about what constitutes female beauty. I can also tell that a flower or a sunset is pretty. Doesn't mean I have any attraction to them.

    It's quite possible to have children as a gay man, either via adoption or surrogacy (assuming you want children of course).

    If you're ok with giving it a whirl, by all means have fun and play safe. You probably will want to make it very clear what your goals and experience level and boundaries are in any encounter and try to find someone who will actually care about you having a good time.

    Todd
     
  6. Quinneth

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    Thanks Todd, you've helped some and it's good to have a second perspective on this type of thing. Cheers.