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Extremely Confused and In Need of Help

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by J1994, Jan 4, 2014.

  1. J1994

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    Hello everyone, I'm new to EC, and decided to join after a couple of months of browsing this forum in search of helpful advice. I'm desperately trying to understand my sexual orientation, so far to little avail, and I was hoping to express my concerns to you all, who I've witnessed to be a kind and supportive group of individuals.

    Though this post will be a bit long, I ask that you take the time to read it and give me your honest advice and/or suggestions. I'm approaching the questioning process with a lot of trepidation, and I'm really hoping for a dialogue that will enable me to really look inward to address the issue of my sexuality...I'm not looking to be branded or asking anyone to label me, as I know I'm the only one who can ultimately do that. So, I guess, here goes!

    I'm a 19-year-old male, and I'm confused about my sexual orientation. From an early age, I've had crushes on girls, some of which, though varying in intensity, proved very powerful. I'd say the most powerful was between the ages of 17 and 18, when I developed an intense infatuation with my friend's older sister...I would continuously and obsessively view her Facebook profile after meeting her in person once, and I ALWAYS tried to capitalize on opportunities to see her in person, sometimes to an unhealthful extent. We had great conversations, and I would feel enraged every time I thought she was in the process of becoming romantically involved with someone else. I also took it REALLY personally when she didn't respond to my messages or comments, wondering what I had done wrong and pining for the opportunity to see her. Even though I was romantically attached to her, and other girls I'd had a crush on, I've never been in a relationship, nor do I have any sexual experience to speak of, even kissing. And while I was crushing on those girls, I rarely thought of them sexually, only thinking that I wanted to be with them romantically, and assuming that sex would come later.

    However, even while I was romantically fixated on these girls, I was sexually fantasizing about men while masturbating, and watching gay porn, sometimes exclusively, from ages 15 to 18. It never dawned on me that my private, sexual behavior could have anything to do with my sexual identity "in real life," especially given that when I first began masturbating, around age 13, I felt more sexually drawn to women, viewing nude pictures of them, straight, and lesbian porn while masturbating. When I discovered gay porn and realized how aroused I was by it, I assumed it was just a healthy curiosity, and had no reservations about privately indulging my curiosities and fantasies about men, and don't to this day.

    After entering college, I began to panic about the seemingly conflicting desires I had to be in a relationship with a woman and yet fantasize sexually about men. I found myself sexually drawn to men I'd see while walking to class, not women, and I came to realize that my visceral, sexual attraction to women is pretty limited anymore. I can get erect thinking about women, if it's the right fantasy, and I can always orgasm to fantasies of sex with women, but I find it takes a bit longer and is never as "hot and heavy" as when I'm fantasizing about men. Basically, even though I think I could enjoy sex with a woman, there's something more intensely erotic and lustful to me about the physical presentation of a man. The issue though is that to my knowledge, I've never had a substantial or compelling emotional or romantic connection with a man. I've considered the possibility that I've just "never met the right man," but that feels wrong somehow...At this point, even though I'm emotionally open to anything, I see men in an exclusively sexual light. Right now, I'm feeling conflicted and depressed, wondering what my feelings mean. Currently, I have no love interests, male or female, and I'm in such a state of mental distress right now that when I visualize my future, I don't see myself with either...I can't, having convinced myself that a relationship with either would somehow be inauthentic.

    I know sexuality is complex, and I'm well aware of the Kinsey Scale and the possibility of sexual and romantic orientation being separate, but something seems awry even in the justification that I don't have to label myself...I'm just feeling extremely down and unsure of myself in every way, and I was hoping to receive some guidance. Thank you in advance for your thoughtful replies.
     
  2. J1994

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    I know this is a long post, but I'm really hoping for a response soon...I'm kind of feeling depressed and anxious over this. :frowning2:
     
  3. OhSOCurious

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    Hello J1994 :slight_smile: I read your lengthly post and am ready to respond.
    I think you pretty much summed up your issue and kinda answered it.

    I believe that one's orientation can be spilt between attractions through emotion/romanticism and sexual desires.
    You obviously have stronger impulses to see men in a sexual way, the reason im not sure of though...
    Women however is understandable. I am gay and i sometimes find women very attractive (but i would never do anything sexual with them).
    I believe that his may be because women tend to exude more positive emotion that is alluring to any sex or orientation.
    You do seem to be in an interesting place though...
    If you're really set on identifying your orientation then I think you would be bisexual. Seeing as you can see both men and women sexually.
     
  4. bornthiswaybby

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    I'm new to this site so idk what I'm doing but I'll offer advice.

    I used to be in the predicament you're in. I was romantically and somewhat physically attracted to women, and physically attracted to men, not sure about the romance with a man.

    I first labeled myself as "bisexual" but then went into denial and told myself I was completely straight.

    This is why I don't exactly like labels... Anyways...

    After about a year passed, I ended up no longer feeling attracted to women, after finding men so appealing. I was stuck. I was romantically attracted to women, but physically to men. I felt helpless honestly. I thought I'd have to be with a woman without wanting to be physical.

    I read a lot on gay relationships, I watched youtube videos of gay people and coming out stories and it really helped me.

    Time passed and I realized I do desire a romantic relationship with a man, but I was just unsure about men at first. Maybe watch videos or short movies of gay couples (I also did that) and you may discover whether you are romantically attracted to men as well!

    I'm sorry if this isn't helpful, I hope it is though! Keep your head up!

    IT GETS BETTER :slight_smile:
     
  5. asimov

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    I think I'm in a very similar situation to you at the moment, I always thought I was straight until one morning I was watching some gay porn, having a good time when it hit me. And it hit me hard, the thought of me being gay was and still is distressing. That was about a month ago, I've calmed down a bit now but I still get quite down.

    During this time I've done an experiment, where I quit masturbation for about 10 days (I know a long time!) - what I found surprised me quite a lot, guys where turning me on in real life not just in porn. My hetrosexual identity really just couldn't reconcile this, I was still finding girls cute and feeling warm to them romantically but there was no sexual component like there was for guys.

    Like you I started watching straight & lesbian porn from about the age of 13 which by the time I'd gotten to 17-18 was probably 50% gay 50% straight. But last year it'd gotten to 90% gay. I really did think nothing of it for a long time, brushing it off as being open minded and at ease with my sexuality.

    When I was about 17 I had a girlfriend with whom I liked romantically and sexually. But looking back now the sexual part only really happened when it was required of me, I never really fantasied about her when she was gone and I always felt this slightly awkward feeling initiating stuff with her. Then I didn't really have any sexual contact with girls until last summer, where I met a girl but I quickly lost interest in her. I felt terrible because part of the reason was that she was so much more interested in sex then I was, I couldn't understand this (with my hetrosexual understanding of myself) so I had to get away from her.

    So I've had some really dark times trying to accept all these thoughts, its hard when you've considered yourself straight for your whole life to change how you view yourself. Its almost as if you have to destroy a part of yourself and that in itself is a painful process. I'm still feeling quite shy to the idea that I'll have to be romantically involved with a man, it just feels so alien - I've watched straight role models all my life, society almost tells you that being with a women is the definition of happiness. Maybe I've been sucked in by the propaganda :frowning2:

    I think the best thing at the moment is to work on what thoughts cause you anxiety not on figuring out an orientation. Don't jump the gun, try and get some experience.