I think I'm gay

Hey everyone. Okay, so I know this topic gets brought up a lot on here but I feel like I really need some help. This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone about this and I’m a little scared but I’m tired of living in denial and want to get some things off my chest.

So here it goes…

I think I’m gay.

A lot of it makes sense to me but some of it doesn’t. I’m a pretty masculine guy and from the outside it would seem like I’m your average straight guy. I’m into sports, working out, video games and most of my close friends are guys. Just for point of reference, I’m kind of a fraternity guy. This really confuses me because I thought gay guys usually are more effeminate (and I mean this with no disrespect at all). I’ve also been with a few girls before. I had a relationship in high school and I loved her but it ended in heartbreak. I feel really bad because whenever we messed around I often fantasized a guy was doing these things with me. When I got to college I hooked up with a few girls but honestly felt disgusted. Chasing girls just feels like an unenjoyable chore that feels so unnatural to me. I don’t mind girls and being friends with them but I just don’t feel much for them. For example, if one of my friends points out a good looking girl, I can agree that “yes she is attractive,” but would I want to hook up with or be in a relationship with her, no, not really. It upsets me because I would like to have kids but I don’t know if a girl will make me happy. I have only ever experimented with a guy once in high school before I met my girlfriend and I really liked it but we were both young and I thought it was just a couple of friends just having some harmless fun.

As far as porn goes, when I started looking at porn I started with the straight stuff because that’s what all my friends did and that’s what I saw first but out of my curiosity I started looking at gay porn and I’ve been watching it since I was probably 15 or 16.

I’ve fantasized about guys for awhile now but up until recently have I begun to realize that maybe this is a part of me I can’t keep brushing off anymore if I want to be happy. I’ve deluded myself for so many years to think, “you’re straight, all of this doesn’t really mean anything.” I feel like this has held me back a lot. I know it sounds weird but I think I need to hear what someone else thinks about this.

Sorry if I’m posting in the wrong place or if anything I said is against the rules this is my first post here.

 

Hello Erik. You are certainly confused, maybe curious, but don't jump the gun and label yourself unnecessarily until you have a better understanding of what you feel and want. With that said, do you currently feel attracted towards a specific individual, or is it just the general idea of being with guys that is making you question things?

 

Currently, there is no one I'm specifically attracted to but I have had crushes on certain guys in the past.

 

Hey Erik, I had the same confusion that you have a couple years ago in regards to thinking that gay men are more effimenate and whatnot rather than masculine in every way possible. Expanding my horizons and knowledge has led me to find out that being masculine or feminine does not equal gay or straight. I have friends that are straight who are feminine then there are people who are gay but are masculine (me and other friends!)

When masturbating (without porn), what is going through your brain when your climaxing? When you daydream naughtily, is it men or women? Last but not least, when you're out in public, who do you tend to check out more? men or women.

What I'm putting may be expanded by another member since I am not a man of many words and what they may put may be more useful information.

 

Hi and welcome to EC, Erik!

You'll be surprised how many gay men are masculine and into sports. :icon_wink And yes, you're probably gay. What you described is pretty much how I (and many others, I'm sure) was feeling a few years ago.

 

I don't want to seem too blunt, but I agree with you, you might be gay.

There's nothing abnormal about what you feel. A lot of gay guys are masculine and gay. (They're the hot ones too).

Randy proposed some great questions that you should answer for yourself.

Hope you continue to let us know what you're thinking.

 

Hi, Welcome to EC.

Just to touch on a point or two from your initial post:

Gay guys come in all sorts of types and personalities and interests. Some are more effeminate, some more masculine. There are gay cops, firefighters, construction workers, and soldiers, including frontline combat and special forces.

You mention liking sports...I'd suggest checking out Outsports.com. It's sort of like Sports Illustrated online for gay men. From that site, or just using google, you can likely pull up a list of LGBT amateur sport teams and leagues including softball, flag football, rugby, and even ice hockey. There may even be one or more teams in your area.

You like to work out...I flat guarantee you that a significant number of the guys going to your gym are gay. If you've been watching gay porn all these years, surly you noticed a lot of the actors are in very good shape?

I don't care for video games myself, but from what I've seen a lot of people on EC really like em.

Don't know if you meant you were literally in a fraternity, but as I understand it it's not that unusual anymore for frat houses to have openly gay members. You can probably find out more about that via google as well.

In any case, based on what you've written here, you do sound like you pitch for our team. Congratulations and look for your membership card afpnd orientation packet to arrive in the mail in the next 7-10 business days

On a final note, and rather more seriously, it is quite possible for you to gave children, either via adoption or surrogacy. My best friend (who is straight) and her husband adopted their son even before he was born. From everything I've seen (he's 11 now) they love him every bit as much as if he was a blood relation. I expect you will that you will love your children too, regardless of how they come into your life.

Hope this helps, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Todd

 

First post and I thought I could offer some advice

I'm younger than you, but I guess I realized early on. I used to question the EXACT same things you're questioning. I too watched straight porn, and accidentally discovered gay porn and from then on I only watched gay. I think it's because our hormones were just getting really crazy so we saw a guy and a girl and thought it was what we liked, but subconsciously we were actually wishing we were with the man? I'm not sure how it works. And I too am quite masculine, and I too have been in relationships with girls, and I too can look at a woman and say "wow, she's hot", but not as in "wow she's hot I want to get with her".

It's going to take time for you to figure out what you like, but posting here was a big step for you. It took me 2 years to even ADMIT to being attracted to guys (while watching gay porn, how funny :lol: )

I'd say you're gay, BUT only you can be the judge. If you're still physically or romantically attracted to women, maybe you're bisexual?

Keep your head up, you'll get stuff figured out man

 

Hey Erik, welcome to EC!

Only you can decide whether you are truly gay, but from what you wrote, whether it be what you were thinking while having sex with a woman or your fantasies, it very much looks like you are a "Friend of Dorothy" (one of the many euphemisms for gay).

The effeminate/masculine divide has been very well covered above and I hope that this makes sense to you.

Echoing AKTodd's reply; along with your membership card and orientation package, you get a free toaster! Yay!

 

Wow!

I wasn't expecting such a response. I really appreciate all the advice. I've pushed this problem to the side for a long time now and I'm just really grateful that a place like this exists. It feels awesome to get all of these things off my chest finally and I really thank you all.

To answer your questions Randy, its guys for everyone of them. I just don't think I'm physically attracted to women at all and even though I've had relationships I think I was just going through the motions because it's the "normal" thing to do.

I'm still confused about women and my future as well as my masculinity and sexuality but I'm pretty sure I lean more towards guys. Maybe dating would help me figure things out a little better.

 

Erik, I'm going through the exact same thing as you are. I'm just a normal guy that isn't afraid to get dirty, work on cars, watch games with the guys while drinking beer. I only have male friends as well.

Like you I've only dated women and I wasn't really attracted to them. Sure, they're hot and sexy but when it came to have sex with them I had a hard time getting it going. I've stopped lying to myself and finally figured out that I'm actually attracted to men.

Now I'm not saying that it's the same thing for you but just know that you're not the only one feeling like this

 

I'm glad you are finding what you need here! Just one point, try not to get into relationships with guys just to figure things out. These are, after all, human beings with feelings, and feelings can be unpredictable.

Of course date guys, but do it because you truly are attracted to the person. If it doesn't work out, ok, you know what you don't want (and he may too!). But if it does work, then take it as seriously as you would have been expected to do so with a girl.

 

Ok, thanks for the clarification. As I mentioned before, there is no need to rush into labeling yourself one way or the other.


I think I have good news for you, though. If you are a masculine guy who works out, are into sports, and in general are a "manly man," that pretty much makes you a CATCH, which should actually widen your options; not only will you have girls coming on to you, but also guys, if you end up pursuing that option. You won't be less masculine, like sports less, or be less of a dude just because you like guys; those traits will actually become some of your bigger assests.


Dont worry too much about the long term for now. If you want to have children in the future, you can make it happen, regardless of who you end up with... heck, even people who are eternally single can have kids and a family.


One thing you may have yet to explore, though, is the emotional aspect. Thus far you have mentioned how attracted you are physically to guys or how you admire the male form, etc. but it doesnt seem you have felt emotionally attached to a guy yet. If you ever get to that point, it will become clearer to you what your "place" is in all this. That's more or less how it happened to me, at least.

Hope this helps!

 

Yeah Justin I think we are kind of in the same boat haha.

Aquaman, I did not mention this because it's still something I feel weird about but in college I developed a big crush on one of my best friends. I would often think of how great it would be if he felt the same way about me that I did for him. We stopped being friends and being completely honest this hurt for awhile and this has also kind of led to me questioning things.

---------- Post added 5th Jan 2014 at 03:30 PM ----------

Oh and greatwhale I didn't mean to sound shallow or selfish saying that. I do feel like I could take a relationship with a guy seriously.

 

Where's my free toaster?

 

Erik, we all know that it's not easy going through the emotions of thinking that we're possibly gay. If you ever need to vent or just talk there's a bunch of friendly people on here, including myself.

 

Hey Erik. I figured I'd share my story with you because I think it is very similar to yours.

So to start, I was in a fraternity in college. No one would have ever guessed I was gay, and I have what would be considered masculine features and interests.

Like you, I always found pursuing women to be a chore, but I did it anyway (with some success I might add) because it was sort of expected of me as a fraternity man. Also like you, I started watching gay porn when I was 15 or 16. But for about six years, I was so deeply in denial that I never considered that I might be gay. I had deluded myself into believing I was straight even though I only watched gay porn and really hated hooking up with women. Yeah, my denial was pretty bad.

Early last year, I started to develop feelings for one of my straight male friends, and that was the stimulus for me to start seriously questioning my sexuality. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality now, and I'm finally out to all of my friends and family. And on top of that, I'm stating to get involved with a guy I really like. I'm definitely much happier, and I would certainly agree that my deep denial held me back for a long time.

 

When I was about 15 or so, I started fantasizing about being with guys, checking them out, and wanting to be close to them physically, but in my mind, that was a normal thing typical of that age. It wasn't until I fell in love with this guy at 17 that I stopped and asked myself "what's going on here?"

Don't ask me why, but for whatever reason, once feelings and emotions become part of the equation, things start to click and make more sense. If you have already been through this with your friend from college, then maybe you should ask yourself just as a "test": right now, in 2014, if things could happen that way, who do you think you would be happier with in this instant? Your girlfriend from high school, or your friend from college? why?

confused1234 also just made a very valid argument. Any thoughts about it?

 

It's crazy how much this sounds like me. I'm a couple years younger but we essentially share the same backstory. I found that the best way to figure yourself out would be to go find a guy to get involved with on a physical level. Who knows? You might come out with your thoughts confirmed or completely the opposite. Either way is completely fine

 

I think we do share a lot of similarities.

The denial part of my whole situation bothers me a lot too like why have I lied to myself for so long when so many of the signs were so obvious. The more i've been thinking back on things, the more they've begun to make sense. I too developed feelings for my friend who was straight, but I denied what these feelings meant for a while. I don't know what the stimulus was for me, I know my friend was a big part of it, but right now it just feels like a bunch of puzzle pieces are all coming together if that makes any sense. A lot of this has been a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts for me.

That's a hard question for me to answer but i'll try. I feel like my relationship with my girlfriend was kind of a puppy love thing. It really didn't last that long and I was very young when it happened. I don't know about my friend from college because I'm pretty sure he didn't have the same feelings for me that I felt for him. If they both had feelings for me, then all things being equal, I would want to be with my friend from college. I feel like knowing everything I know now, I wouldn't be as happy with her as I would be with him. I feel like I'd be much more at ease with him and things wouldn't feel forced.

---------- Post added 7th Jan 2014 at 08:23 PM ----------

I would like to try this but I blew a huge opportunity by not in college and now that I'm done I don't really know what to do. I wish I was more honest with myself.