I think I had one of those lightbulb moments tonight. Which is ridiculous, because I had an equally bright and flashy lightbulb a few months ago, when I thought, 'Holy crap I might just be asexual. Bwah', and cut loose my boyfriend at the time. I'm a fickle gal. But here's the story: I'm an art student (who will hopefully not become a waitress in two years time), and I decided to sign up to DeviantArt tonight (with hopes of instant internet fame). Didn't really get too far, because a picture of a gorgeous girl with tattoos down her legs on the front page got me somewhat distracted, and I ended up going through their entire gallery getting more and more turned on. I actually felt guilty when my stupid judgemental cat lay across my keyboard. SHE KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. But it sorta got me thinking. There was this girl I grew up with, who I had this mad love-hate relationship with. She would flirt with being my friend, and then dash off to hang with the more popular kids, and I would get so jealous. It would just consume my thoughts, to a ridiculous degree. But I remember so many different occasions where she would do something like give a lap dance, or start stroking my leg, and I would nearly lose it. There was this one time, we were staying in Ottawa on a school trip, and I slept in the same hotel bed with her. I woke up with her leg over mine, and a bad urge to pee, but god I didn't want to move an inch. I am actually trying very hard not to sound like a total pervbot here, but this is about my sexuality! So fuck it, it's going to get sexual. I've had boy friends. I've had sex with four guys thus far, not because I was attracted to them, but because I was curious. I wanted to see what the big fuss was about, and I guess I'm still waiting to see, because I got nothing. Zilch. And I've been with some guys who are decently experienced, but it's still just boring and uncomfortable. My last boyfriend told me he felt like he was raping me (a statement I found somewhat disturbing at the time), because I wasn't making any noise, or initiating anything. More like he would start something, and I would go along with it, and try to act like I was enjoying it. There have been a couple times when I've felt sexual attraction, seeing a guy walk by on the street, or sitting on a bus, but they've always been very slim, very effeminate, with nice refined features. I thought that was just my type, until tonight. Lightbulb moment, looking at naked chicks, and realizing HOLY CRAP NO. NO NO NO. WHAT? OH MY FUCK. Because I honestly think I might be gay. The idea of kissing another woman, sleeping in a bed with her, making her breakfast, makes me absolutely fucking terrified, but also so damn excited. I've done all that with men, and it's been, alright, when can I politely kick this guy out of my house. I've dated just to seem normal, just to show my friends and family that no, I'm not a total hermit, and I will not end up alone with my cat. Which I totally will. But cats are fucking awesome, so that's a moot point. Sorry, I'm swearing way too much in this thing. Anyways, here's the thing, though. I'm 19. I'll be 20 in a month. And I've never had this thought before. I've had a girl ask me if I was lesbian, after I kept touching her arm at a party (dear god, I sound creepy...forgive me). And I've had a boyfriend ask me, in an odd tone, if I was bi. BUT I HAVE NEVER MENTALLY LINKED ANY OF THIS. It sounds so obvious when I lay it all out like this, but I have NEVER linked any of this, never even thought of it. So how can I be gay, if it's never even occurred to me before? Don't most people realize when they're 8 years old, or something? But god I am just droning on and on and on. Sorry for writing an entire novel (and major props to you if you've read this far. You're a trooper), but I am honestly just freaking. Quite a bit, really. So, question: is it possible to realize like this, just a sudden epiphany? Or is that absolutely ridiculous? Because I definitely feel ridiculous.
People realize that they're gay at all ages, be it at 4 or 40. Heck, I went on a self-exploring journey at like 19. Everybody realizes it at different times. Yes, a sudden epiphany is possible and no you are not being absolutely ridiculous.
Oh my god, seriously, I love your writing!!! Now that THAT is out of the way, I didn't realize/figure it out/connect the dots/what have you that I was bi until a few months back. It was that total epiphany, aha! moment that you're talking about. I am 24. So yeah, it can happen just like that at any age! If you feel comfortable, try exploring it some? Maybe you are gay, or maybe you are bi, or maybe you are straight and just curious, or maybe you are asexual, or maybe you are gray-a. In any respect, find what makes you happy and what you enjoy! You're never too old to decide another flavor of ice cream is your style
After a sleepless night, I also had that epiphany we speak of. Everything suddenly clicked into place like that door with an elaborate lock in a Harry Potter movie, an elaborate mechanism just clicked and whirred into place to release the latch...and the door opened. Here's what I wrote on that very night in my first ever thread here, 327 days ago: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/welcome-lounge/83826-hello.html
I was 36. Now I look back and can not conceive of how dense I was. It just wasn't somewhere my conditioning allowed me to go ... . in ALL those years. Ahhhh freedom. . . . .it's a good thing and it all starts with the moment we let our eyes open.
It's possible, and it's not ridiculous at all. Yes, most people realize earlier, but you're not "most people." That said, it's still feels freaky, and yes, prompts all the doubts of whether all this gay stuff you unconsciously did for years and now remember is even real, how was it that half your friends noticed before you did, how easier it would've been had you figured it out earlier and all that... But it also feels really good. What really helped me to sort all that out was that I knew some people online and off, who I was pretty sure would be OK with me talking about it, and well, the undeniable fact that some guys are so hot... (Obviously the opposite in your case.) My gender wasn't at all like that, there wasn't any sudden epiphanies, or knowledge from an early age, it's still mostly a stuff of long and inconclusive internal dialogues, I rarely talk about it and still doubt myself... Which, from what I've read isn't at all typical either, but... Here it is.
I just found out a few weeks ago that i'm actually a lesbian , I've dated guys in the past as well and done sexual things with them but i never had like intercourse with a guy , at first i thought i was bi because i like guys that looked like girls . what made me realized i was actually lesbian is that i hadn't had a crush on guys in years and the guys I actually did like i just liked them because they were handsome i knew nothing about them and i couldn't imagine having sex with them . When my female friends would say how hot a guy was it I just couldn't see what they were talking about it was foreign to me . if i saw a hot chick walking down the street i would feel something . As a little girl i constantly fantasized about having sex with women and knew that as an adult i would be having sex with women and thought if i had a husband i would probably be sleeping with a woman behind his back or craving sex with other women . So i just thought i'd have sex with a chick just to get it out of my system and go back to men . But the wake up call that i got the most was from a sexual incident i had with this guy, it was consensual but i just wanted to have sex with him to see what the fuss was all about like what you said I remember I didn't even want him to even kiss me and pushed him away and i told him don't kiss me or touch I will just do him and he kept asking " why don't you want me to touch you " but agreed when i was giving him a bj I felt like i was losing my soul , I felt so dead inside it was so bad that i had to zone out to finish it and be like a robot I just couldn't be present I really had to check out to get it done . Then i started thinking i might be a lesbian maybe because it's not normal for this to happen to a bisexual person . then i asked a question here if i was lesbian or bi and a lot of the girls who are lesbian said they went through the same things i did . It was very hard to accept for a while that i 'm a lesbian because i was thinking how could i not know for so long and then to think i was bi too . I'm starting now to actually enjoy being a lesbian so i'm pretty sure i'll be accepting it pretty soon . I hope you to enjoy being a lesbian as cheesy as that sounds but your lucky you found out pretty early in life it took me a long while
