Hello everybody! I am going to write a lot so I really appreciate anyone that replies with any insight. I am really confused as to what my sexual orientation is - I have come to terms with the fact that I may be a lesbian and I am okay with it. I know that my family and most of my friends will accept me if I am but I would like to figure it out for myself before I say anything at all. I am seventeen years old and a senior in high school. Ever since I was in seventh grade, I have wondered if I am a lesbian. In seventh grade, I fell hard for my female science teacher. She was about thirty years old and she was maybe the prettiest woman I had ever seen. I felt butterflies in my stomach and I got nervous when she even glanced in my direction. I wanted so desperately to impress her with my intelligence and 'coolness' and I looked forward to her class every day. I got upset (although I never voiced it) when other people complained about her. I wanted to be around her all the time and, when I wasn't, I found myself wondering what she was doing, if she ever thought of me, what her friends were like. Every conversation I had with her I mentally saved in my mind and replayed when I wasn't around her. When I got home on the last day of seventh grade, I cried for the longest time because I knew that I wouldn't be able to see her every day. In eighth grade, I found excuses to walk by her classroom in the hopes of having a conversation with her. The last day that year I cried even harder because I would be going to the high school, which meant that I would not see her ever again. I never thought about her sexually - more like I wanted to be around her. I still look in my yearbook at her picture once in a while. My second major crush was on a girl who was twenty when I was fifteen. I had just gotten hired at this small, family-owned Italian restaurant and I remember that when I first met her, all I could think was 'wow'. She was gorgeous and funny and incredibly 'cool'. I friended her on Facebook and I got so excited when she accepted my request. After that, I checked her Facebook multiple times a day. On her birthday, I wished her a casual happy birthday. On my birthday, she wrote me a simple 'happy birthday' with a smiley face and I remember screen shotting it and being so incredibly excited that she had cared enough to say something. The restaurant closed a little over a year ago and I haven't seen her since. I think about her all the time, still, and I wonder what she is doing. Some of the girls I go to school with worked there and, whenever she comes up in the conversation (which is rarely), I have to pretend not to care even though I love talking about her. Like I did with my science teacher, I stored all of our conversations in my mind and I got super nervous and awkward around her. I now work at a different restaurant and there is one girl who works there that I can't seem to stop thinking about. She's about 27 and she's gorgeous. I get really uncomfortable and nervous around her, though, and I often get tongue-tied so I think that she thinks I'm really weird. She is super confident and kind of vulgar but I kind of like it, even though I get really awkward when someone talks about that type of stuff. I am so confused. Whenever I see two women that may (or may not be) a lesbian couple, I get really curious and I wish that I could just ask them. I often stare at other girls and not guys. I love watching the Youtube videos of the lesbian couples (like Kaelyn & Lucy or Heather & Marissa). I have researched the different types of lesbians and I am definitely all femme/lipstick: I love getting dressed up, my hair is really long, and I never leave the house without my mascara. I do not have any experience with guys and girls in terms of sexual contact. I understand that that is the best way to figure it out but I am really shy and quiet so I don't really attract a lot of guys and I don't know any lesbians. I find certain guys 'hot' but I find myself staring at photos of girls for longer than I do with photos of guys. I have never had any sexual dreams/fantasies with guys and the only sexual dream I had was with a woman in the shower. Thanks for reading this --- I know it was a ton and I really, really appreciate it if you would help me out!
I'm the exact same way I get crushes on girls that are older than me and I'm so confused. I get nervous and shy around them and I can't help it.
Only you can decide what your orientation is Explore your attractions and date whoever you're drawn to, and eventually you'll know whether you're bisexual or a lesbian. Good luck
@Potatocheese: Thanks for the reply! I read your post too and I definitely think that we have a lot in common. Ahh it's so frustrating! @Foster: Thanks for the reply! I understand that I need to get experience so I guess I'll just have to wait until then!
As you get older and you're forced into coming out of your shell more and into the adult world you'll have lots of opportunities to explore your personality, maybe become less shy, and through that hopefully you'll find yourself in situations where you can explore your sexuality but also just make friends who you can open up to. I was a really shy teenager, a bi girl, and was always worried about people's impressions, looking stupid etc etc. But now I don't care what other people think I just try to be myself and to be open, not to act how I think is cool but just how I feel. Do you have any close friends? When I've had no one close to me I get fixated on one person almost obsessively. Maybe you do something similar? I find making the effort to have a couple of platonic everyday friends that I'm close to makes me less prone to massive fixations. You'll be fine, just stay open and remember you never have to make a decision, everyone is fluid and sometimes people's preferences for anything in life change with age and experience. Or not. Just go with what you feel and don't feel the need to label yourself.
@GuysandDolls: thanks for the advice! I'm not that close with anyone..freshman year everyone formed their little groups while I wasn't looking apparently. I do have good friends but no best friend so maybe you're right about that. I just can't wait to figure out who/what I am!
