Okay, I'm just gonna type out everything, and I'll probably sound like a total asshole after all of this, but I don't know who I am or what I'm doing any longer and I just want to get an idea of where I'm headed. It all started early November of 2013. I was in the bus shelter, waiting for the bus, with my bisexual best friend, and we were discussing various things. Then, she asked me, "I know this is sort of an infeasible question, but if you weren't straight, who might you have a crush on in our grade?" Unfazed, I thought about it, and then named a girl in our grade who I know and like and is pretty, but I am not close friends with (for the purposes of this, let's call her Jessie). This was partially because of the above reasons, but also in part to the fact that at one point, we had discussed how we just didn't care if people were gay, or bi, or whatever. For reasons only partially related to this, I also harboured suspicions that she identified as bisexual. We discussed for a while more, but then I saw my bus around 100 metres away, and so we stood; her to walk home, and I to board my bus. As we exited the shelter, though, a lady stopped us in our tracks. She had a thick accent, and it was hard to understand what she was saying, but I was able to get the gist of it - God hates anyone who's not straight, and you're worthless if you don't have a man. I should have defended my friend there. I should have said that she's my friend, and just because she is attracted to people who aren't men doesn't make her a worse person. But I didn't - I boarded the bus and left, leaving her alone. I texted her that night and told her how horrible I felt about my actions. From the way she responded, I got the vibe that she didn't understand what the woman was saying, and so consequently was unaffected by her words. But even so, I still have not forgiven myself for this. Then, another problem arose when I had an argument with my best friend. I had stated that there is no such thing as a wrong opinion. She was hurt by my opinion on the matter because she felt it implied that I thought it was okay for people to believe that gay people should be cursed because they are defying the will of God. I didn't, and do not, think this at all. We found a way to agree by my saying that there are answers that are more correct and less correct, but no opinion is completely, 100% incorrect. I think she was okay with this. But somehow, that argument shattered something inside of me. I had never fought with her before- we'd debated, but it was all fun and games until that point. And while there was nothing I wanted more than to have things just be okay (and I wasn't even angry at her about it), I couldn't conjure the unbreakable sense of kinship I had had with her before. Soon I found everything about her irritating and I got mad at her over the stupidest things, and I began to avoid her as much as possible. For reference, this did not leave me friendless. She was my best friend, but I still had two other extremely close friends and another friend that was pretty close. A week later, though, Jessie walked into my French class. It wasn't like she had done anything different that changed how I saw her- but even so, I nearly doubled over as the sexual rush hit me. Every time I looked up for that hour, a wave of desire would simply wash over me, and while it was a thrilling feeling (I have been attracted to other people, but never this much, and they have all been guys), it terrified me. Because - here's the total asshole part - I am NOT okay with being gay, or bi, or whatever I could be. It's not that I have a problem with gay people. I love gay people. My best friend is bi- I just think that's one cool thing about her. But when it comes to me- it just scares the shit out of me. I don't want to lose the one thing about me that I was totally sure of, and just gave me a sense of normalcy in my life. My feelings for Jessie didn't change over the next couple of weeks. I began to accept that maybe it was real; maybe it was actually happening that I was not straight, and was destined to simply lose all control over my own life. I began to almost feel it was okay. And I guess if I really wanted to get rid of anything I felt, I wouldn't have encouraged myself. During this time period I was constantly stalking her Facebook and I began to masturbate as I indulged in fantasies of getting "somewhere" with her, watch porn, read erotica, and all sorts of things like that. Even so, in some ways, I feel disgusted with myself. I'm renowned throughout my grade for my sex jokes and I have a really active sex drive- I'm almost afraid of how eager I am, because if not for the societal dislike of sex at my school, I probably would have done at least something mildly sexual by now. Even so, I'm too young to do much of anything with anyone. I'm 13. This has got to be unhealthy. Anyways, in January, I had a sleepover with my four friends. We were all stressed about all sorts of things and wanted to have a chance to make confessions and just let go. However, for sleepwear, the closer of my close friends had chosen a cami as her top, and, being the complete creepo I am, I could hardly get my eyes off of her neckline. In the morning, I had slept next to her, and since I woke an hour early, I pretty much spent the whole time staring at her boobs. While Jessie could be bisexual, I'm 90% sure that this friend of mine is straight, and in addition to her, I have no desire to get into a relationship with her - our friendship matters too much to me for me to even consider jeopardizing what we have for the sexual desires I harbour for her. And it's not that I don't still like Jessie. I do. For my friend, it's mostly lust- a large quantity of the grade would be in agreement that she's the prettiest girl in it, and certainly the one with the most boys trailing after her. And now I'm not even sure what I'm asking. I guess I'm just confused and tired of having no idea who I am and what matters to me, and I'm looking for someone who has some idea of what it means to be in the mess I've put myself in. Thanks for at least reading. I really hope you're willing to help me figure myself out.
I don't know if bumping is acceptable in this forum (feel free to tell me if it isn't) but I'd really appreciate it if someone could say anything at all.
If it makes you feel any better I fail to see how this post makes you sound like "a total asshole" or even a slight one. Your first problem, inaction at the bus stop, we unfortunately have to chalk up to being one of those things we'll know for next time. Yeah, it sucks that you didn't do anything and felt bad, I hate it when that happens to me and it's so easy to beat yourself up about it but you can't. You have to move on and just be prepared to step up next time if you feel the need! Second problem, debate turned to hate! Debate is this wonderful, amazing thing IF everyone involves understands how it works and is happy with it. Otherwise it's a recipe for disaster. It sounds like your friend wasn't quite on board with it. Once that happens, being angry is so easy...you sort of stopped before you finished your thoughts on this, so all I'll say on the matter is in future, know who you are debating with. Strong opinions are great, but you've got to be careful when you debate with your friends! Third, OMG Jessie is so hawt! At 13...wooooooah do you have a lot of stuff going around in your head to complicate matters! So hormones! Wow! Such horny! and so on. I wouldn't want to guess WHY this all came out all of a sudden, but apparently it has. Could just be that in the back of your mind you've been thinking about the whole thing for a while and then all of a sudden things just clicked. It happens to everyone sometimes! A couple of things I want to mention here. 1, the whole super-sexual thing is completely normal and healthy for someone your age! Ask anyone who is happy to talk about sex stuff and they will tell you that teen years are all KINDS of weird for sex stuff. Personally yeah, I think you're too young to do anything sexual, others won't, apparently you do. I'm not sure what concerns you more here, that fact that you think you MIGHT have done something if you had the chance, or the fact that your feeling this way at all, but just know that we've all been there but you need to make sure you keep a level head and only do things you feel you are ready to do! But I'm thinking you probably know all that Staring at your friends boobs? Again, we've all been there. Your friend might not appreciate it, but it doesn't make you a bad person for doing it...well...I don't think it does anyway. Just make sure you don't do anything else! I've known people to go from looking to other things and then get caught and you just don't want that... Anyway, as you've said you're not 100% sure about what you want out of this thread so I'm just going to say a few things that MIGHT help or at least point you towards where you can get some help! 1.If you decide you want to go into more detail about any of the problems you raised in this post, I recommend you make individual posts about them in the appropriate forums where more people will see them! 2.I don't know how you feel about this whole 'I could be bisexual' situation, and how you handle it will depend on what you are comfortable with. Just try not to stick to this idea that you're not OK with being bi or gay if it turns out you are. We can help you with that. 3. As for your friends...I don't know what you want to do about them. As I said, let us know what you want and we will answer. Feel free to send me a wall message any time if you need to
Wow. Okay, first of all, thank you. I really appreciate you taking your time to give me a hand and help me just begin to sort out who I am and what I want to do with my life. It's also nice to know that I'm not insane (or at least not because of any of this.. -.-) or anything like that. I guess one of the most confusing points that I failed to raise here is that, oddly enough, I'd find myself more comfortable eventually adhering to the label of lesbian, rather than bisexual. However, I don't know that I am lesbian at all- last year when I moved to a new school, I got into a 'relationship' with a guy. By relationship, I don't mean we were dating, but I liked him and he liked me and I knew he liked me but i was afraid to get into a romantic relationship, so I didn't leave myself at all open to that possibility (which is probably just as well). After that, he eventually blew up at me, and so everything we shared was sort of shattered, and it hurt. It really hurt. He began to hang with the wrong crowd, and now, he's the only kid in our grade no have done drugs, he probably drinks, and he's renowned as the 'bad boy'. He's horribly messed up, and while I don't want to get into a relationship with him at all, somewhere inside of me, I still care about him deeply, and it hurts to see him lowered to that half-life he's condemning himself to. The above is why I'm not sure I'll ever be able to take the title of lesbian, because sure, I was 12 at the time, and certainly everything is overproportioned right now because I'm hormonal and inexperienced and so everything seems more important than it is, but somehow I can't forget him; can't accept that in ten years, the police will find him dead in a ditch after overdosing, and I was never able to help him. I think the best thing to do with my best friend right now is to talk it out, but to really, truly talk it out, I'd have to open up to her and just let go of everything I've been hiding and keeping to myself, and I'm afraid to do that because a) I don't know what I'm doing or anything about myself anymore and b) I've drifted away from her during this period of time, and while I know I can trust her, that doesn't mean I do. I have trust issues- it's not a bad experience that's caused them as far as I know (except for one person, but that's a whole different line of my messed up life, and it's just her; doesn't affect other person-to-person relationships). I just don't trust people. I've never been closer to anyone than these four friends, and I only mustered the courage to explain to them that I have diagnosed OCD a few nights ago. I guess a large part of my problem is that I tend to internalize nearly everything. On the outside, I have a great life- I have a nice house, a terrific school, a loving mom and dad, and very little pressure about anything, unlike all of my friends. And so I build everything up inside of me- I overanalyze everything in my life, and lose touch with the most basic of things. It's gotten to the point where I'm almost afraid that all of this is inside my head and I just want so badly to feel something that I'm creating my own world, in which feelings are something no one else ends up having, and each is a figment of my imagination. Though I'm not sure that I could react so strongly physically if that were the case. Thank you again.
I'm going to apologise in advance because I HATE using this phrase, it makes me sound like an old woman and I think it's really patronising, but unfortunately it's accurate. When you get older... (sorry!!) you will learn more about the different types of...I guess you could call it love? Care? Whatever! Feelings! You've basically summed up nicely on of them now "I was never able to help him". When we find ourselves starting to care about someone as you did with this guy, we start to feel like we have some responsibility for them, even when we don't. To make matters worse, if you see him a lot you are going to remember the guy you liked, and be reminded of him every time you see this 'bad' version of him. In effect you will basically long for the one you liked before, and it'll hurt! BUT it is a different feeling to romantic attraction, although it is often mistaken for it. It won't be easy, but you need to remind yourself that actually, he isn't your responsibility. He wouldn't be your responsibility even if you had been in a full relationship with him! It doesn't mean you can't care about him, but you need to separate the sense of obligation for his well-being from this idea of attraction! As for your friend, I think you are right. Talking it out is probably best. So you don't know quite what to say, does that matter? It doesn't make it an easy place to start from but actually, you just need it outside of your head. It doesn't matter what 'it' is exactly, you just need to get it outside! If it helps, get as much of it out on EC as you possibly can and you can pick and choose the bits you need to tell her, or anyone. Just make sure you get it out! Your last paragraph interests me, and I'm not sure why. I will have a think about it over-night and if I still remember what I was thinking in the morning I will post about it As for your orientation, I think you would do well to forget labels for now and lets your emotions settle. Why make your life harder than it needs to be at the moment! However, if you really want to find one, we can do that
I don't mind your use of when I get older- It's completely accurate. As I get older, I'll become wiser, and with any luck, I'll figure myself out a bit more. And your point of view on the matter makes sense - I agree it isn't actually that I'm in love or even in like with him any longer; I suppose it's exactly as you said: I feel responsible. And I guess I'm probably not, but regardless, this doesn't make me heterosexual. I guess my best course of action for now would be figuring myself out a bit more, before making the ultimate decision as to whether or not I'm going to go the extra mile to repair everything I've broken over the past few months. Thank you. Now if that were just something easy to do.... -.-
