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27yo Male, confused my whole life & at a complete loss...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Silohuette, Jan 6, 2014.

  1. Silohuette

    Regular Member

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    Hi anyone who takes the time to read this, I'm new here as you probably guessed..been lurking a few days and reading around the forum and finally decided to post. I suppose I will just get right into it and maybe someone here can offer me some help or guidance or really anything as I am pretty lost at the moment, well actually all my life...but regardless thank you in advance should anyone decide to give me some insight, I really have nowhere else to turn. I hope this doesn't come across as rambling but I am just going to type and try not to over-think too much. I apologize in advice for this is a long wall-of-text.

    Basically, I am at a complete loss. I don't know what I am, I feel as I if I am sexually and emotionally beyond repair. I have been completely confused as to what I am as long as I can remember. I thought it would naturally sort itself out with age but so far I still feel like a lost and isolated kid now in my late 20's. I don't even know where to start looking for answers. Even more distressing my sexual identity problems go far beyond just if I am gay/straight/bi/etc..for the last 12-13 years of my life I struggled with unsalvageable low self-esteem, horrible depression, long periods of involuntary celibacy and loneliness and adult virginity into my mid 20's. I have never been in any relationship in my life. Therapy and medication hasn't helped me one bit so I have pretty much ruled it out at this point.

    Now I am basically trying to figure out what I am so I will try to sum up my odd history as best as a I can. As a teenager I always had crushes on girls and wanted a girlfriend but considered myself too ugly and short and scrawny to have any value to girls. I was around tons of guys and friends with tons of guys and never really had a crush or found myself sexually attracted to them in person. I couldn't imagine doing anything sexual with one of my guy friends or a guy I meet or anything. I dormed and traveled with guys and never really once had the inclination to experiment with them or even feel any sexual attraction towards them. There have been many girls I wanted to do things with but due to shyness and possibly my ugliness, I never got very far with any I was interested in. Now when it comes to porn and masturbating (which is what I did from age 12 to 23 with no real life experience) I am all over the place. I liked straight porn, lesbian porn, gay porn, transexual porn, basically everything, all of it turned me on and could still turn me on. I would go through stages where all I would watch would be straight for weeks, then strictly gay, then weird fetishes...When out and about I never usually find myself checking out guys the same way I do women, or getting flustered and nervous talking to guys the same way I do women, but then when I watch porn I am sexually attracted to some of the acts men do with one another.

    When I get depressed about being lonely, it is usually due to the fact I don't and never had a girlfriend. When I see couples out and my friends with their significant others I get really down. In my early 20's I was so depressed and shameful about my lack of intimacy and inexperience I started seeing prostitutes. All women, but I was so nervous and not used to being with other people sexually that I was unable to perform a lot of the time and again wonder if it could be because I may gay. I still am all over the place with porn and get aroused by different types. After being with a few prostitutes now I am bit more comfortable being touched by someone else and relaxing but I am still very confused. I really like kissing women and can't really imagine being too turned on kissing a guy, I like performing and receiving oral sex with women but would definitely not be opposed to receiving and maybe even trying performing it on a guy. Penetration with a women has been difficult because of my nerves and condoms basically kill any sensation I would feel and penetration with another guy never really interested me, even in gay porn I would mainly focus on the oral acts...I am debating maybe seeing a male prostitute to see if maybe I would enjoy it, maybe if I don't have performance anxiety like I do with women then I would have my answers? I don't know... I like performing weird fetish stuff with some of the prostitutes I see, them dominating me/performing anilingus on them/finger and toe sucking...again could this be a sign of something else?

    This is all very confusing. I really wouldn't have any qualms about being gay or straight or whatever, I just kind of want a concrete answer of what I am but I suppose that is an unrealistic way of wanting things as I suppose sexuality is hardly ever concrete. I suppose as it stands now I would be labeled bisexual but I don't even know if I am that considering I don't feel too much physical attraction toward men or their form or desire to get into a relationship with one, just the idea of a few sex acts with them if that makes any sense. Eh, pretty distressing...I really don't feel I belong anywhere. I feel if I was gay maybe I wouldn't be as lonely as I have never had trouble making guy friends and I am not nervous and timid around men and they seem to genuinely like me unlike women, but Idk if that is just in terms of friendship or not, maybe I would have just as much trouble sexually attracting a man and have nothing to offer anyone? I don't think I could ever get a girl to see anything in me and with my impotence problems and inexperience I could never satisfy her. Eh my head is literally spinning thinking about all of this. Sorry for the long rant, but if anyone could give their opinion I would really appreciate it.
     
    #1 Silohuette, Jan 6, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2014
  2. willycubed28

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    Okay. I think that it takes a lot of courage to write everything you just wrote, and so I want to say how brave I think you are for putting your story out here. Secondly, I know you want to know who are sexually, and I know how frustrating it can be because believe me it took me a long time to figure out who I was sexually, and it took me experimenting, and also learning a lot about myself. Here is what I would say first and foremost stop trying so hard to figure it out because I think you will figure it out.

    Have you ever considered the possibility of you maybe being bi since you like gay porn as well?
     
  3. asimov

    Regular Member

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    My advice would be to quit masturbation and porn for at least 7-10 days. Then go out into town or wherever there are quite a few younger people and see what turns you on. If the outline of a guy or a girl gets you going it'll be a lot more obvious then when you watch porn. Porn confuses the hell out of our caveman sexuality.