Hello, I hope you guys can help me on here. I am soon turning 30 and am still having doubts about my sexuality. These doubts come and go at different times in my life and can be very distressing. When I was younger I lacked sexual confidence and avoided getting involved with girls who were in the same sexual circles as me for fear of my sexual deficiencies being exposed. I lost my virginity at 18 when I was away from home and had a great sexual relationship with a girl. When I returned home I got involved with a girl for 8 months but we never had sex. This caused me to doubt my sexuality. I began to think I was gay as I was not able to have sex properly with girls. Then I found love with a beautiful but confident girl. We had sex but she always took the lead and was pretty domineering which helped to get me aroused. After this I was single for many years and am now in a relationship with a great girl who I really like. I developed more confidence sexually over the years and this is good also. I can remember from when I was very young being attracted to dominant women and have visited dominatrixes. I used to fantisise about domineering teachers and babysitters when I was a pre teen. I started to worry about being gay again when I went bald in my early 20s. My confidence was badly affected and lots of people started to think that I was gay and make comments about my sexuality. I became very insecure in myself and my sexuality. My fears about being gay get worse when I am stressed or entering a new environment or feeling stressed. Lately I have been going through a difficult period as I have been out of work and it is around times like this that I have more doubts about my sexuality. I have recently noticed that people around me are again making comments about my sexuality as these concerns must show in my demeanour. Because I have these recurring doubts I have pushed myself to think and act as a gay person but I do not feel it. My main worry is that people perceive me as gay. Lately I have gone to a gay bar where I met a guy. I was talking to him and tried to kiss him but didn't want to go through with it. Realistically I could probably get with a guy. I see a therapist and she has helped me through alot of this however I think because I bring it up so much that she thinks I have some sort of latent homosexuality. I am posting because this doubt will not go away and keeps cropping up. Your thoughts would be much appreciated.
Out of curiosity how many times have people questioned your sexuality and who exactly are these people to you? Can you give us an approximate number of times people have told you flat out that they think you are gay?
Nobody has said it to me directly. Well one said they initially thought I was and a few friends have asked me around it down through the years. People have made indirect comments about my sexuality usually friends and associates.
Just FYI this is the gender identity area, you might get more of the responses your looking for in the sexuality area. That being said many of us that are on here a lot have been through similar stuff with our sexuality as well. Don't be afraid to question yourself, that's a good thing really. Just be honest with yourself. If you think you are attracted to men then fine, if not then that's fine too. From experience it's damn hard to be sure one way or the other. Would it help to directly (if you haven't already) to ask your therapist about this, or go see someone who specializes in this area? I know it did for me. Best of luck
From what you've told me, I don't think you're gay. Are you attracted to girls and not guys? Then you're probably straight. The first time you doubted your sexuality I don't think you had any cause for worry! It's okay not to have sex if you don't think you're ready, or just don't want to or whatever. Plenty of people have their first time of sex with someone way after 8 months, so that's perfectly healthy behavior. As for the rest of it, I think it's mostly because people are saying you're gay. You said you tried to act gay, but didn't feel it, right? It just seems like you're trying to fit into the role others are putting you in. If it doesn't make you comfortable, don't do it! It's perfectly fine - just correct them, and it's up to them if they believe you or not. Also, I think it's normal for people to be able to have a relationship with the same sex. What matters is if they want to. In short, I think you're just trying to be what others say you are. And if it makes you uncomfortable, you don't need to do it! You're probably not gay if you're not attracted to men. As for people viewing you as gay - I don't think there's a solution to that. You could try correcting them, but they might not believe you. I'm not even close to an expert, but I hope this helps anyway!
Thanks for the replies. In my heart I think you're right Estival. It is generally other people thinking I'm gay. Then I doubt myself and then I look at attractive guys and think oh no do I fancy him. I suffer from anxiety and have had low self esteem in the past. I go through periods of lower self confidence for what reasons and this can manifest itself as doubts about my sexuality. Has anyone heard of this happening?
It hasn't happened to me exactly, but when I'm low on self-esteem, I tend to cling to what people say to me. I think it's very common to have doubts about yourself (and your sexuality) when you're feeling, well, unsure of yourself. And questioning's great, sometimes, because it can lead to self-discovery or just good old self-confidence and surety in your actions. So I don't think it's uncommon; quite the contrary.