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Self Doubt comes and goes...

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Blues, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. Blues

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    Hello,

    I hope you guys can help me on here. I am soon turning 30 and am still having doubts about my sexuality. These doubts come and go at different times in my life and can be very distressing.

    When I was younger I lacked sexual confidence and avoided getting involved with girls who were in the same sexual circles as me for fear of my sexual deficiencies being exposed.

    I lost my virginity at 18 when I was away from home and had a great sexual relationship with a girl. When I returned home I got involved with a girl for 8 months but we never had sex. This caused me to doubt my sexuality. I began to think I was gay as I was not able to have sex properly with girls. Then I found love with a beautiful but confident girl. We had sex but she always took the lead and was pretty domineering which helped to get me aroused. After this I was single for many years and am now in a relationship with a great girl who I really like. I developed more confidence sexually over the years and this is good also.

    I can remember from when I was very young being attracted to dominant women and have visited dominatrixes. I used to fantisise about domineering teachers and babysitters when I was a pre teen.

    I started to worry about being gay again when I went bald in my early 20s. My confidence was badly affected and lots of people started to think that I was gay and make comments about my sexuality. I became very insecure in myself and my sexuality.

    My fears about being gay get worse when I am stressed or entering a new environment or feeling stressed. Lately I have been going through a difficult period and it is around times like this that I have more doubts about my sexuality. I have recently noticed that people around me are again making comments about my sexuality as these concerns must show in my demeanour.

    Because I have these recurring doubts I have pushed myself to think and act as a gay person but I do not feel it. My main worry is that people perceive me as gay. Lately I have gone to a gay bar where I met a guy. I was talking to him and tried to kiss him but didn't want to go through with it. Realistically I could probably get with a guy.

    I see a therapist and she has helped me through alot of this however I think because I bring it up so much that she thinks I have some sort of latent homosexuality.

    I am posting because this doubt will not go away and keeps cropping up. Your thoughts would be much appreciated.
     
  2. StephenSC

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    To me it seems like the main reasons you would consider yourself as having any Gay or Bisexual thoughts comes from... Outside pressure, what other people conceive about you and a lack of strong sexual interest towards girls. Both of these are very poor reasons to question your sexuality in my opinion.


    Obviously it does not matter what other people think, it's not like they have an insight you don't. It also doesn't really matter how your act or look the only quality that defines your sexuality is how you feel. With that in mind you've said "Realistically I could probably get with a guy", which does suggests an openness, however it doesn't sound like you have a strong feeling, or desire for the idea. I think some questions you need to ask yourself are:

    Have you ever been attracted, emotional or physically to a guy? Can you see yourself in relationship with a guy long term? Do you fantasies about being with a guy? More or less than with women? And how much does the though interest you compared to with women?

    Unless you have an interest in guys that goes beyond being open to the idea of getting with one I don't see there is much point for you to question your sexuality.


    A lack of strong sexual interest towards girls, or lack of sexual confidence, like the one you had in your early years also is overly indicative of your sexuality either. (Unless of course you were getting aroused, thinking about or more interested in guys, which is why girls didn't interest you) Just like performance, everyone's sex drive differs, just because your not interested in "boinking like a bunny" doesn't mean your gay or anything like that.


    Obviously everyone differs a lot on these things, so there could in fact latent homosexuality there... but unless you have a strong desire to act on it, or it's very clear, you should be able to let it be until such time there is. You mention your current relationship, to me it seems like it's working out well, so I would recommend that as long as you are both happy you just focus on that. Try not to let outside thoughts and ideas impact on your own happiness.
     
  3. Blues

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    Thanks Jason for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I have read some good advice here about determining my orientation. It's to close your eyes, clear your head and picture yourself getting intimate with different people of both sexes.

    I tried it last night. It was a push to imagine myself with a guy but I did it and after the initial struggle I'm imagined it to be pretty pleasurable. I then imagined myself with some different girls which was also pleasurable. Today then I was checking out guys and girls to try and guage. When I see an attractive guy I fought the urge to run and imagined what it would be like to be with him. That was ok. Same with girls. I basically tried imagining sexual thoughts with lots of people i saw.

    Initially accepting that I could be gay and be intimate with a guy in my office created lots of anxiety but I kept positive about it. I would think oh no what will this of that person think but I didn't let it out me off. The acceptance that I might be gay and it was ok has reduced my anxiety and I am pretty clear that I am hetro now. The key for me I think is to remove preducies in my head but this is scary cause I don't know what I might find out.

    Anyway. Llitte scared as I'm going to try again now.
     
  4. Blues

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    So. The exercise of trying to masturbate to guys has been very good and given me clarity. I know now that I prefer girls and don't think I'm sexually attracted to guys at all.

    My problem was a fear of being gay. Confronting this and not running from it helped me realise it's not so bad and allayed my fears. It's been a real weight off my mind.

    Thanks
     
  5. StephenSC

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    I'm glad you were able to find some clarity and peace. It may be something that will reoccur in future, just remember there is never any reason to feel afraid or ashamed. Take time to honestly and openly consider your thoughts and feelings and you will get through it like you have now, and be better for it.