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I'm confused about my sexual orientation

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by IJustWantToLove, Jan 7, 2014.

  1. IJustWantToLove

    Full Member

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    Hello EC-Community,

    Like so many other people out there I am very confused about my sexual orientation. To be fair to you I have to warn you, this is going to be quite lengthy, sorry about that...

    First of all, I'm 23 years old, female and have no sexual experience with either gender whatsoever.

    I have to admit that I browsed a whole lot of threads by other members here (and could relate to a lot of them...), read a lot of articles online and watched a whole bunch of videos on youtube (actually even did some of those stupid "Am I a lesbian"-wannabe-tests) before I had the guts to actually share my confusion with you guys here, and that's probably one of the reasons why this entry is so long. I had a lot to think about.... And while reading and watching all that material provided online was partly comforting and enlightening (not sure if that's the right word for it, but I guess you know what I mean...), it didn't really help to clear up my confusion. I don't expect to find all the answers here, but I thought it might help me to understand myself better if I got this stuff off my chest and got in touch with people who probably felt the same confusion at some point in their lives.
    While browsing videos I found one (I don't remember the title or author though) by a girl stating something along the lines of: "If you search the net for clues on wether you are a lesbian or not, you probably have the answer to your question right there. Chances are you're at least not entirely straight." That one really got me thinking...

    I'm not really a person who shares stuff like that easily with friends or family (that's quite sad, I know...) and I have no gay friends with whom it probably would be easier to talk about that kind of stuff I guess. I feel rather uncomfortable when I get asked about stuff related to sexuality or relationships, I don't know why (I don't have religious reasons or a very strict upbringing or anything, so it kinda helps me to do this all quite anonymously). When conversations turn to those topics I get pretty quiet, praying nobody's going to ask me about myself. Whenever one of my friends or relatives asks when I'm going to bring home a boyfriend or why I don't have a boyfriend I get this "deer caught in the headlights"-kinda feeling, you know what I mean? Most of the time I just shrug it off, trying to change the subject or at least get the focus off my person... But I honestly don't know how to respond to that question! I also don't really know how I came to questioning my sexual orientation, maybe because I never had a boyfriend like pretty much all of my female friends... It seems like it just crossed my mind someday that this is a possibility and kept me thinking ever since...

    I have quite a few guy friends, very good friends of mine, but I never felt anything more than friendship for either of them (well, I also didn't feel anything more for any of my female friends though...). And I don't really think I'm asexual, because I have the desire to be with someone intimately and to have someone to share my life with, to build a future with, to come home to, to cuddle with, you get the picture... But I guess I haven't found that one special person yet (hopeless romantic, I know...) and it's hard if you're not sure what you're even looking for...

    Like many others put it before me: How can I exclude males if I never tried it? How can I be sure that I'm gay if I never even as much as kissed a girl? But I wouldn't feel comfortable getting into a relationship with a girl and not being sure. Being like: "Well, yeah, I thought I was gay but apparently I'm not, so, well, haha, sorry!"
    I understand that those doubts might not really be easily comprehensible for some people. A lot of people might not see a problem there and the logical conclusion would be: Why not just fool around with someone or hook up with someone? Try out a bit... And I can totally understand this line of argumentation, but that's not me. I'm way too shy for that (I consider myself open minded and approachable and get along with most people easily, but I'm usually not the one to make the first step...) I guess I'm not very adventurous when it comes to relationships, I feel like I need to get to know a person first. So experimenting like that is not really an option for me...

    What I did try was - and that's again quite uncomfortable for me to admit, even though there's nothing wrong with it - watching lesbian porn. (Also tried out some straight porn, but that didn't do anything for me either. It actually more or less turned me off, not so much the penetrational sex but the Blowjob stuff and things like that, not my thing I guess...) But it didn't actually do anything for me. But I think that's probably not uncommon (at least that's what I read so far). Probably also because I usually notice the more butchy/boiish or geeky kind of girls, even though I'm not really the feminine type myself: I do have long hair, but I prefer comfortable cloth, usually sneakers, jeans and a - preferably plaid - button-down shirt (how very cliché, I know, but I love plaids), simple jewelry like leather bracelets or simple ear studs. I don't do makeup or perfumes, I don't own a single pair of high heels or a skirt and so on...

    I can recall a few occasions when I thought I felt something like maybe attraction to girls. (I also never met a guy and thought I want to sleep with him right away. Of course I've met guys and thought he's kind of cute or good looking or really nice or something, but not the instant sexual attraction some people seem to feel towards...)
    The first one was an openly gay girl in Highschool. She wasn't in my class, but I would see her occasionally in school. She had this really awesome style, kind of boyish, very confident, short hair, facial piercing.
    Second example is more recent. A girl in my English class last semester. Again short hair, boys' clothes, confident. I basically have no idea if she's actually gay, I never as much as talked to her. Just sneaked peeks...
    But the thing is, I'm not sure if I was actually attracted to them or just curious or if I just thought they had an awesome style and actually wanted to be kind of like them, you know what I mean?
    Then again there was this other girl in my English class, totally different: Girlish, with dresses and makeup and stuff, also a facial piercing and very confident (guess I'm a sucker for confidence and piercings...). I again don't know if she's gay, but she had rainbow stuff (not a giveaway, I know), so maybe?! No idea...
    But with all of them it wasn't like I wanted to spend all of my time with them or jump their bones or something, more like an interest in them, wanting to get to know them and stuff. But then again I was more or less tongue tied in their presence (totally messed up my presentation in class because I was so nervous, which normally isn't a problem for me).

    But I ran off the subject of porn, which I wasn't done dealing with yet. Unlike watching porn I do enjoy watching stuff like The L-Word (parts of it at least) and Girl/Girl Scene or watching gay storylines in TV-Shows (you know, the genuine-feelings-involved kinda stuff). And I really enjoy reading girl on girl stories, mostly really romantic stuff. I used to read so many straight romance novels (especially N. Sparks, I love his works), but it's not the same somehow. I still love to read those novels, but it's different. When I read my first lesbian novel I felt like I could feel with the main figures, rooting for them, suffering with them, hoping they would end up together and so on (not that I wouldn't wish that to a straight couple, but it seemed more intense somehow, it's hard to describe...).

    As I said before, I don't expect to find all the answers to my confusion. But maybe you could sort of share your opinion or experience or wisdom or something? I'm grateful for every response I get, it's to be honest quite a relief to have someone to "talk" to about all of this, even if it's (or especially because it's) not in person.

    PS: I'm sorry for all language errors, but English isn't my mother tongue and truth be told I can't really think straight right now - excuse the pun :wink: - I'm quite nervous writing all this... I actually wonder if I should be concerned that I feel way more at ease writing all this in English instead of my native language...
     
  2. Starry Eyes

    Starry Eyes Guest

    Welcome to EC. :icon_bigg

    It's hard for me to say whether I think you are a lesbian or bi or straight or whatever based on what you have said.

    You say you haven't done anything sexual with either gender, and don't want to hook up to find out, which I completely understand. But somewhere inside your mind you must feel like you are leaning towards one or the other.

    Perhaps a personal question but who do you fantasize about when masturbating? And I don't mean when watching porn, or reading a novel. I mean eyes closed, no distractions masturbating. Men? Women? Both? Someone you know? I think you might find some clues in your answer.

    Whatever your answer just know that no one will judge you here. (&&&)
     
  3. paranoidkid

    Regular Member

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    Pshwww this is a hard one right now. But that was a long one but cool to read! Glad you got it off your chest! Welcome to EC! I'm one of those people that is confused like you so me and you are in this together so do not feel alone anymore :icon_wink !!!!!

    I can't really tell you much! I don't think seeing which kind of novel you connect with better is a good representation of your sexuality! But I could be wrong, I just don't know! I'm sure other people here can provide much greater insight!
     
  4. IJustWantToLove

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    First of all, thank you very much for the warm welcome and for taking the time to respond, I really appreciate it =) It's good to know that there are people like you out there who accept others for whatever they are and give them the feeling of not being alone in a situation like this.

    I think I lean towards women, but I'm just so confused. When I think about being in a relationship with someone, I can totally picture myself with a girlfriend. But I think I could also picture myself with a guy. You know, I love to hang out with guys and spent time with them and do typical boyish stuff like playing video games together or doing sports and stuff. But for example when I image a lazy night in with a partner, it's way easier to picuture myself cuddling on the couch watching a movie with a girl than with a guy. I don't know...

    Phew, that's actually not easy to answer. I feel like it's more the imagined scenario that gets to me than an actual image of a person. Does that make sense? It's not like I see an actual person or face or anything before my mind's eye (like a celebrity or someone I've seen around or something). But those are definitely questions I'm going to keep in mind and reflect on when the opportunity arises :wink:
    I think it's hard to answer because I kind of don't do that. Well, I do masturbate, but mostly while reading actually (okay, I said I don't watch porn, but I like to read porn...). And then it's like I just go with the flow, you know, imagining the situation, maybe imagining myself as one of the characters, I don't know (I'm aware that I say that a lot, but that's the way it is...). When I first stumbled across written porn, I actually only read entirely straight porn, but for the last two years or something I've only ever read lesbian stories, and if a guy happens to enter the scene I usually just switch to a different story...

    I agree, actually, I think I got carried away a bit there :wink:
    It's not like I feel it's a huge pointer or anything. But I thought, maybe, in addition to some other aspects of how I feel, it could mean something. I don't know...