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Therapy triggering 'feminine side' and gender/sexual identity crisis

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Decisions, Jan 9, 2014.

  1. Decisions

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    I'm in my mid 30's and currently single. I've suffered from depression and related symptoms like dissociation (heavy zoning out) for much of the last 6 years or so after breaking up with a girl who I almost married. We broke up I suspect because I wasn't manly or dominant enough for her although I didn't know this at the time.

    I've always had a submissive personality with low self esteem from childhood. I never wanted to be the one approaching or putting the moves on the woman and I'd spend time hanging around as a friend, waiting for something to happen. I've never been a manly man, but after that breakup I made a big push towards hypermasculinity and 'red pill' philosophy; (largely that women liked alpha males and men should aim to improve themselves to meet that ideal).

    After years of picking up women (despite my natural tendancy not to want to do the approach and for the woman to be the dominant partner), I became more and more depressed and eventually entered therapy.

    During therapy, one of the defining moments was when my therapist said to me 'It sounds like theres a part of yourself you've kept hidden away for a long time'. She invited me to pick a figurine from this shelf where she had a whole bunch of different models of different things; knights, sharks, princesses, monkeys, ghosts etc etc. Basically it was a way of picking a symbol which I associated with what I was feeling at the time as a way of drawing it out.

    Well, I ended up picking this princess figurine that looked something like this:
    [​IMG]

    She kind of did a double take which was funny, but recovered and asked me about this part of myself. I called this aspect 'Cindy' and had locked it away because 'society would never accept it'.

    Overtime I've explored that aspect and realised that I'd locked away my feminine side/inner child so as to meet rigid societal expectations of masculinity. Once I reconnected with that part of myself, my depression lifted. I had access to a wide range of emotions I'd never felt before which I associated with femininity. I realised that pretending I was 'Cindy' and imagined calling myself 'pretty' and having other girls call me 'the prettiest girl there was' started filling the hole in my self esteem. It was like tingles healing this huge emotional wound which I've always carried around deep inside.

    Before the therapy I'd been super logical and pragmatic, pushing emotions aside to focus on the rational. Now I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster, feeling feminine and enjoying those feelings.

    All this femininity basically triggered a gender/sexual identity crisis for me that I'm still working through. I felt feminine but what does it mean? Does it mean I'm gay or transgendered?

    I've never been attracted to men, never even kissed a man or caught myself checking them out, but now I feel really girly sometimes and I'm very confused. I'm hoping that the long term surpression of my feminine side just means that those feelings are temporarily intensified because I just broke the seal and eventually my personality will settle down after integrating this new part of myself. This has all happened over the past month or so.

    That said for some reason I can't shake the feeling that I'm gay or bisexual even though I've never been attracted to men. The reason for this is that I've always enjoyed transsexual/femdom porn with the male as the receptive/bottom partner. I've even enjoyed the forced bi/forced feminization genres probably because it features women accepting some degree of femininity in the male partner (which in my country of Australia is very unlikely due to the prevailing masculine culture). Gay porn doesn't really do anything for me unless one of the guys is ultra-feminine and pretty much passable as a woman.

    I had to overcome internalised homophobia before I could even consider accepting this feminine side of myself, but now I'm wondering who I am and what I'm attracted to. I'm worried about going outside and meeting men and suddenly being attracted to them now that I have this feminine side of myself.

    I'd really be surprised if I'm gay because I've never been attracted to men (just the idea of being the 'bottom' to my female partner).

    I'm considering going on a short trip to SE Asia to hook up with some guys to explore my sexuality, but I'm not sure if this is helpful or something that will be good for me.

    How can you go through life and suddenly become a radically different person over a short space of time? It doesn't make sense. I thought denial was hooking up with guys and pretending you're straight, not going through life ignoring men only to wake up feeling really feminine one day.

    Has anyone else been through something similar and how did it turn out? Feedback would be very helpful. :help:
     
  2. BookDragon

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    That was really interesting to read, thank you for sharing.

    So for now, I would let things calm a bit. The thing about therapy, as you've noted, is that once you open the lid on something (or in your terms, break the seal) you can feel a wave of really powerful emotions for a while that don't necessarily mean a whole lot in the grand scheme of things, but because they are new and unfamiliar they feel really REALLY important.

    I feel compelled to remind you that there is a disconnect between sexual acts and sexuality. You've expressed the idea of being the bottom to a girl as being appealing, but the same can't be said for men. So it would be difficult for me to say that you were even bisexual because you just don't appear to have any attraction to males at all!

    As for becoming a radically different person, I would suggest you think of it a different way, because at the moment it has the potential to cause you harm, mentally. You've said yourself that over the course of your life you have been uncomfortable with the way you've been living because you've tried to conform to societies standards instead of your own. I would suggest that when all is said and done the person you will be, whoever that is, is the person you are and always were, they just finally accepted that they are worth it!

    I'm interested to know about Cindy. Would you mind telling me about her?
     
  3. Decisions

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    Thanks for your reply. This makes me feel a lot better about myself and reaffirms that I need to take time to let things settle and not make any rash moves with my life.

    Cindy is the black sheep of the different aspects that make up my personality. I have other aspects such as 'The Critic' and 'The Guardian' which other people who've been through therapy might be able to understand. I don't have a schizoid or fragmented personality at all, I'm just highlighting these aspects as I did in therapy because it allows me to better describe some really abstract feelings.

    Basically as far as I can tell Cindy was locked away to either protect 'her' or because of the problems it would cause for the rest of myself. Basically I think Cindy is either my feminine side or my inner child. I don't think Cindy is my 'true' self, but a large fragment of my personality that needs integration with the rest of me.

    When I was asked by my therapist to describe Cindy I described her as basically the personification of femininity. This beautiful little girl who was a princess and liked to be feminine, dress feminine and act feminine. I couldn't think of anything I find more beautiful. I also found her really attractive and wanted to kiss her. She was hurting from being locked away and couldn't trust the rest of 'us' so took a long time to coax out.

    After that session when I got home I was confused about what was going on. I felt like someone had thrust a baby into my arms and said 'This is your responsibility now'. I explored my feelings in private and eventually pretended that I was Cindy and started calling myself pretty. I had such a strong emotional reaction to that, like gently touching a wound that had been festering and hidden away for a very long time. I felt very emotional and vulnerable and confused. I think I enjoyed exploring the feminine feelings I felt when I pretended I was Cindy and I'm continuing to do so. They've settled down in intensity over the weeks between then and now, but are still quite strong compared to other emotions in my life.

    I thought of the idea of kissing or having sex with men while I was pretending to be Cindy, but it didn't really do anything for me. That said the idea of doing the same with women didn't either. The idea of women hugging, kissing and accepting Cindy had a very strong emotion of feeling loved, accepted and having value.

    I feel less masculine right now, but I was pretending to be hypermasculine to begin with so maybe I'm returning to normal after the pendalum settles. Then again, maybe I'll feel and act femme after this as I accept this part of myself more and more. Very confusing. I really wonder if I'm going to turn out to be a crossdresser or someone that uses femininity as an escape from responsibility.

    Its interesting to me that my anxiety and feelings of worthlessness that made it so hard to make eyecontact with others has receded dramatically. Its like I thought Cindy was this shameful part of myself that made me worth less than other people. Once I accepted it and started healing it, I had a stronger sense of self and self esteem.
     
  4. June Cleaver

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    fabulous story!I in no way think you're gay.all man and women have a scale from masculine to feminine personalitys.... You are discovering where you fit on the scale of your life. My cousin Cheryl pointed out to methat I top the feminine scale and was way more of a woman then she is though I do not have a vagina and she does. Her husband and son did not want me to leave because they enjoyed my cooking and cleaning for them while she was recuperating from surgery for a couple months.that was the first time anyone had explained that to me like that. She pointed out that my mother and I are the same woman and that she, Cheryl I mean had a personality more to the masculine side of the scale. That did not mean she is manly or lesbian just that she is not a submissive girly girl type of woman. I really had not thought about it that much until then. And truly I am a carbon copy of my mother slightly male. the man of my life whoever he is at the time tend to be a extreme alpha male very much dominant in control. My type of woman does best with this type of man. There are dominant women out there that want a submissive more feminine man. As I read on here before there's a lid to every pot! don't make a huge mistakeand go have sex with a man to find out whether you're gay or not because you do not sound gay to me. if you were bisexual or gay you would have been long attracted to other men. Let your spirit absorb your new found feminine side without making major life changes which would be a vital mistake! I hope this makes sense. June
     
  5. Decisions

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    Thanks June. That really helps me too. I really like the idea of finding a more dominant (but still feminine) woman to be in control, but its difficult as it breaches all sorts of societal expectations.

    Wow, the idea of a loving woman being in charge (and her knowing it) gives me all sorts of tingly feelings.
     
  6. June Cleaver

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    my stepmother dominates my father who used to be a dominant man when with my mother. So dominant women are out there. Not sure if you're in the United States of America, because the feminist movement has produced the majority of women here to think themselves equal to better than a man. I am still old-school and like to assume the traditional role of a housewife. Straight dominant men just love me! June
     
  7. HardToSay

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    "someone that uses femininity as an escape from responsibility"

    Interesting concept: can you please elaborate?
     
  8. Decisions

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    I'm projecting how I would use it in some ways.

    I enjoyed exploring the feminine feelings, but as someone from a traditionally conservative background and someone who felt trapped in conforming to a stereotypical masculine gender role, I found the idea of bisexuality/feminine persona (and I know they aren't the same thing, but its a rough marker for my feelings) to be a great way of shrugging off expectations of my behaviour.

    It was like 'I don't have to conform to those expectations anymore because I'm xxxx'.

    This was a great weight lifted off my shoulders and helped me meet another one of my goals in therapy; namely to be able to act without caring what anyone else thought.