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Confused and a little down

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Idun, Jan 9, 2014.

  1. Idun

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    Hi. I'm not sure how to begin. This is really hard. Two or three years ago I started to wonder about my sexuality. Until then I thought I was straight and technically I suppose I still am, I mean I'm still attracted to boys.
    I'm not sure when I started to question my sexuality. I was reading manga online and the romantic "straight" manga was kind of sweet but I didn’t connect with it either sexually or emotionally. But then I found “Yaoi”, gay manga, it was the first time I have been turned on. I was really confused.
    Maybe because I cant seem to identify myself with the girl in a straight relationship. I have never felt connected to girls but I always thought that was because I have a twin brother. But most of the time I don't really feel like a girl.
    The other day I was out shopping with a friend of mine who is a lesbian and she asked me if I saw anyone in town who I thought was attractive. She told me that every single one of the men I saw was gay.
    We went to a LGBT bar once but that was really depressing. I mean none of the guys there would be interested in me. Would they?
    What do I do? I’m so confused.
     
  2. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC!

    You've sort of said what sort of relationship you wouldn't be interested in. Could you perhaps describe one that you would? Build it from ground up. What's the guy like? What's your relationship like? And if you want to go that route, what's the sex like (in general)?

    Lex
     
  3. Idun

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    I’m not sure how to answer your questions.
    The only ideas I have come from books, films and television.
    I have never been in a relationship with anyone before.
    The closest I have come was about two years ago.
    A guy at my school was interested in me, I wasn’t sure what to do, he flirted with me a few weeks and then one day he kissed me. He is 9 years older than me, the age difference didn’t bother me but his experience did. He had been in several relationships before. I was still trying to figure out who I was emotionally much less sexually and the thought of sex terrified me. Even though he didn't pressure me I broke up with him. I didn’t think it was fair of me to string him along when I was so unsure about myself.

    I told my mother about the fact that I don’t really feel like a girl and the fact that I’m attracted to gay men. She said she thought it was because I think gay men are safe.
    I can understand why she thinks that way and on some level she’s probably right.
    But what I dream about isn’t sex, though I’m really curios about that, it’s someone holding me while I sleep, keeping me safe.

    But I feel like there is something else as well.
    I mean if it was just because I think gay men are safe wouldn’t friendship be enough?
    So how come I’m sexually attracted then?
    How come I get flustered and blush and my heartbeat speeds up when I see two men together.
    But not when it’s a man and a woman?
     
  4. darklord

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    Hey Idun, welcome to the forum!

    I don't know if you knew, but yaoi is mainly aimed at female audience. So a lot of other women are also getting hot and flustered watching it... Also a lot of guys like to watch lesbian porn.

    What comes to finding a partner... Well, gay guy obviously wouldn't be interested in you, but there are a lot of bisexual guys out there. There might also be straight guys with characteristics you are associating with gays (looks etc).

    Personally I have very similar ”symptoms” as you have. I recommend you to stay out of sex as long as the thought of it doesn't feel comfortable. You should know yourself first and know whether you are ok with having sex as a woman, and in which ways (please don't let yourself be pressured to anything by anyone ever).

    Maybe you should ask about this on Gender Identity and Expression -section. After all, you are saying you don't feel like a girl. That sounds like a gender identity issue.
     
  5. EttyT

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    Perhaps suggest this thread be moved into gender identity, if you say you don't feel like a girl, that you are attracted to gay men yet not to heterosexual couples then maybe talk about this more from that aspect of things. Have you talked to your lesbian friend about sexuality?
    Why was it depressing when you went to the LGBT bar?
     
  6. Idun

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    How do I move the thread into gender identity then?

    Yes I have talked to her, but she has a hard time relating to me because she has always felt like a girl.

    I suppose I felt depressed because I knew that no man there would find me interesting.

    ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2014 at 11:24 PM ----------

    I knew that Yaoi is mostly written for girls, but I find that I mostly read the ones where the characters doesn't always look so perfect. I'm not sure that means anything a all...?

    I thought the only reason a bisexual guy would find me attractive was because I'm a girl (at least I have "girl-parts"). How do I find a guy who won't view me as a girl?

    Should I simply move this thread to the "Gender Identity and Expression" section? Can I?
     
  7. Idun

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    I'm putting another question out there, just to make myself even more confused. :slight_smile:
    The other day I bought a dress, it is really pretty and I felt that I looked nice in it.
    How can I, from one day to the next, shift from liking the way I look (with breasts and all) to wishing that I was born a man so that I could wear mens clothes?
    I know that there is no one stopping me from wearing mens clothes now but they don't fit my body shape very well.
    When I see myself in the mirror I don't dislike the way that person looks but I can't seem to identify myself with that image.
    But when I try to imagine myself with a mans body it doesn't feel completely right either.
    Who am I then?
    Will I ever know?
     
  8. silverhalo

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    Well it could be that you would benefit from talking to someone who specialises in gender identity. Can you elaborate on how you don't feel like a girl? For example I am a girl but I'm totally not girly, I never wear make up, or dresses or do my hair or nails etc but I don't have any problems with my body. Do you not feel like you should be a girl at all or do you just not feel like you fit in with the other females?

    I don't have that much knowledge about gender identity but I know I have read posts on this site before about people who sometimes dress like a guy and sometimes like a girl so maybe you just feel like that?
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Well it could be that you would benefit from talking to someone who specialises in gender identity. Can you elaborate on how you don't feel like a girl? For example I am a girl but I'm totally not girly, I never wear make up, or dresses or do my hair or nails etc but I don't have any problems with my body. Do you not feel like you should be a girl at all or do you just not feel like you fit in with the other females?

    I don't have that much knowledge about gender identity but I know I have read posts on this site before about people who sometimes dress like a guy and sometimes like a girl so maybe you just feel like that?
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Well it could be that you would benefit from talking to someone who specialises in gender identity. Can you elaborate on how you don't feel like a girl? For example I am a girl but I'm totally not girly, I never wear make up, or dresses or do my hair or nails etc but I don't have any problems with my body. Do you not feel like you should be a girl at all or do you just not feel like you fit in with the other females?

    I don't have that much knowledge about gender identity but I know I have read posts on this site before about people who sometimes dress like a guy and sometimes like a girl so maybe you just feel like that?
     
  11. Idun

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    Yes I'm starting to think it would be good to talk to a professional.

    I suppose its not so much that I don't feel like a girl.
    Its the fact that I don't feel completely like a girl or a boy.

    Most of the time I'm not very girly.
    But I like to wear make-up when I go out, its fun to play with.
    And I do wear dresses sometimes.
     
  12. newfish

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    I'm not on expert on gender identity, so someone with similar experiences or a gender therapist would be better equipped to help you out. That said, it seems like it sounds like gender-fluidity, especially the bit about wishing you were masculine one day and liking being a woman the next.
     
  13. laurenc

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    to me it sounds like you may be bi gendet or gender queer but only you know who you are.