I am 17 years old right now, I know I am young, but I am having a difficult time identifying myself. I had always noticed girls and in late elementary I was the only girl that didn't want a boyfriend. (The only boys I liked were just celebrity crushes where I fantasized about how jealous girls would be if I had a famous boyfriend and I became famous because of it). One example: age 11, I was in a community play and I kept imagining what it would have been like to kiss the girl who was the lead. I felt guilty and shameful and pushed those thoughts to the back burner. I felt like I was merely looking up to her because she was so talented. I had no lesbian role models. I even saw in a book about teen health that said, "if you think you are a lesbian, you probably aren't", somehow validating to me that lesbians were some rarely seen mythical creature. Having met a lot of bisexuals in middle school, I admitted I was "bi-curious" in 7th grade. During that year, I watched the L Word, many other lesbian movies/tv shows, read erotic stories, and learned about the lesbian community. I came out as bisexual to my whole school and my parents in 8th grade (all supportive). My first kiss was with a girl that same year. She also was the first person I was intimate with (she claimed to be a giver only, so I never returned the favor). I only had a very vague idea of how girls did "it" and my catholic parents taught me that all sex before marriage was wrong and if my future spouse was to know someone touched me, they wouldn't want me anymore. So, naturally my first experience was less than pleasurable. I was too scared to fully get myself there. She broke up with me the next day and I was very sad. I continued to be an out bisexual during the start high school. I've always had a hard time meeting girls due to my hyper feminine (dresses, makeup, heels.. the whole 9 yrds) appearance and my location. The lack of ladies and abundance of men and boredom caused me to "date" guys. Most of my so called relationships lasted 2-4 months because the feelings I thought I had disintegrated. Or I would flirt with guys until they liked me and just loose all interest once the flirtations were returned. Whenever I saw a lesbian couple in public, I would feel slightly sad and jealous because I wished I had a girlfriend. I tried to be intimate with men a few times, I was turned on until he tried to touch me or talk dirty to me. Something about it just feels off, even though the idea of being penetrated and dominated sounds very nice. In April of 2013, I was finally unofficially dating a girl. We were sexually intimate, but she was insecure about her body and refused to let me see her body or let me go down on her. I started seeing another girl in July and the first girl was furious. This girl turned out to be as douchey as I was to the other girl. I would get aroused when I thought about being both girls. Present day, all I want is a girlfriend. I can't imagine my future with a guy. I think I would feel trapped if I was in a long term relationship with a guy. Sometimes, I think I am attracted to various guys, but then I imagine meeting a pretty, sophisticated girl who would steal me away from him. I wonder if the attraction I think I have for men is genuine. Maybe, I am flirting because I know I am a pretty girl and the guy will like me. Maybe, guys are just a safe bet and when I feel lonely I could find one more easily than a girl. I am very scared to approach girls because they can be meaner. I am very inexperienced when it comes to girl on girl sex, while most lesbians my age have it down. I want to say I am a lesbian, but I am afraid there is a possibility I could meet the "right guy" (as all lesbians claim they never will) and I wouldn't have the "bisexual" safety net to fall back on. A lot of lesbians are quick to dismiss a girl who labels as bisexual because all the "fakes". I am serious about girls though. Saying I am bisexual sounds like I am one of those girls that has a boyfriend, but gets drunk and makes out with girls for fun. I don't know what I am.. If anyone has went through something similar, please share.
I 'm lesbian and i don't think bisexual girls are fake , i just think their misunderstood and thanks to the media and girls that say their bisexual to get attention it gave bisexual girls a bad reputation . Not all lesbians think bisexual girls are fake . Yes i'm very cautious when it comes to bisexual girls because i have had bad experiences in the past with them but i will not reject a girl because she is bi . I 've not have much experience with lesbian sex and i am much older than you so please don't feel bad that you don't . I have some similarities with you I do not like guys to touch me when it comes to sex i've never had sex with guys but I have done sexual things with guys and i also worry that i might meet a guy that could be the right guy. but i hadn't liked guys in 7 years I'm not even attracted to the male body sexually only females I can only see guys as my friend and only one to be in relationships with women and only have sex with women . I've flirted with guys in the past as well but got bored with them to when they became interested in me but i did it as a sense of power not because i liked them , it felt good that I could have that control over a man , I would even talk about perverted things with a guys just to arouse them for fun I felt powerful when i did it , because I thought I'm doing what i'm suppose to do as a woman and that is to turn men on or make them like me it made me feel good about myself I didn't really care much for the guy or even liked them when they showed interest i would not be interested . ( I think it had to do with my family and people making fun of me for my lack of experience with guys now that i look back at it ) Yes it's very hard to find girls when your a femme lesbian i myself am having the same trouble . I'm not sure what your sexual orientation is you could be bisexual with a preference for women .
If, as you say, you can't imagine your future with a guy, then it sounds like you're a lesbian to me. But ultimately, what I think doesn't matter. What everyone else thinks doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what you think. It sounds like that's one of the major things that's keeping you confused. People who dismiss those who identifies as bisexual are ignorant. In addition, experience level doesn't matter one bit. Hell, it sounds like you've got more experience than I do! As for your concern that you could meet "the right guy", I don't think that's something that you need to worry about. Remember that human sexuality doesn't fall just into the hetero/bi/homo categories. There are a practically an infinite number of ranges in between. I personally identify as mostly lesbian, but not completely against the idea of "the right guy" coming along. So I would say just love whoever you're comfortable loving, and don't be quick to restrict yourself to society's labels. In addition, I noticed this is your first post. Welcome to EC! It's really great here. If you stick around, you'll meet plenty of good people with good advice that are always willing to listen when you need to vent. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) Finally, that book you mentioned in the first paragraph is about 10 metric ass-tons of bullshit. I can't even fathom the author's ignorance. No facepalm is great enough.:bang:
Ok I read your paragraph and I will try to explain the best possible way that I can. First and foremost I believe that sexuality is not purely black and white. It's not uncommon for self-identified heterosexual people to have 'guy' or 'girl' crushes. It is also possible for Bisexuals to prefer one gender over the other. And with gays and lesbians I believe that they too could develop some strong mutual feelings for the opposite sex and yet still sexually prefer their own gender. Sexuality really boils down to how much either sex sexually arouses you or doesn't. In your case it may take you years to discover your sexuality but that's not unusual. I also find that those coming from religious backgrounds who are anything but heterosexual will have problems when it comes to their sexuality, and where they live (i.e. living in the bible belt vs. up north or in rural vs. a large city or metropolitan area) . And in turn this also determines whether or not there are adequate places for the LGBT community. At the moment it would make sense to simply say you are questioning when it comes to your sexuality. It definitely sounds like you could be lesbian. I would also advise you to take 2, free online quizzes: Kinsey scale test and Klein sexual orientation grid. They are both built on the basis that sexuality exists on a spectrum. Now folks may say this is bogus, but i think that these quizzes provide much more insight to one sexuality. It's better than just saying you're straight, gay, Bi without even knowing for sure. Both quizzes have helped me to make more understanding of my sexuality. The scale is from 0 to 6 with 0 being absolutely heterosexual and 6 being absoultely homosexual. 3 is Bi. 2, 4 and 5 may or may not be considered Bicurious. I am a 4 but I do not indentify as Bisexual since my sexual attraction to guys has always (and still is) been nil. But I would have to say I could be considered mostly lesbian since my attraction to girls is stronger and deeper than in guys. My guy crushes seem to fade out relatively fast. I have also never dated anyone but already I know for sure I am not heterosexual. It also seems like you could be considered 'femme'. It isn't unsual for femmes to be passed over as straight. It is also a common occurence. But don't resort to dating men either because in the end you and the guy will not benefit in any way and problems might arise depending on the guy. LesbianCentral, Femmegasm, StudzLife101, LesbianAnswers and Dykeotomy are all Youtube channels I highly reccommend and encourage you to watch. These have definitely helped me. LC has close to 1000 videos but there are several girls that give an insight on the Lesbi life. Lesbianlifeabout.com is also another resource I reccommend. It has everything from book, movies suggestions among other issues. I hoped I helped a bit
