I have been married for 14yrs to a man. I have dealt with him abusing me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Although in the last 7yrs or so there has been no physical I have still been dealing with a lot of emotional fuckery and disrespectfulness. I love women and this has never been a secret to him even though he totally despises homosexuals (which I didn't know how much until years later) he will not sever the relationship. We have separated countless times and I have been in relationships with both men and women (although mostly women) but, he is the only man I will go back and forth with. I know in my heart I am more into women than men but, always seem to put who I am in the closet to make my marriage work and he doesn't understand why I am so depressed and angry all the time. I love him don't get me wrong but, at this point in my life I am tired and can't hide me to appease his ego. I am tired of hearing him gay bash people. My mother, sister, and cousin are gay and he has a few in his family as well. It hurts to hear some of the things he says when he sees a stud walking around. I ask him if that is how he feels about me or his cousin, and he says no I love yall and I am like how can you when you say the things you say. Every time we are seperated and I want a divorce and move on with a woman here he comes to break us up. I usually end up breaking up with them because I don't want to involve them with him because honestly I don't want him to do anything to them. I feel like the only way I am going to be happy is to divorce him and move out of the state but, that will mean that I will be leaving my family. Being that my mother is disabled I am not trying to do that. I have no job no money. I am re-enrolling in school and hopefully I will find a job and get stable. It's hard because every time I get a job I lose it because of him. He says he wants me to work but when I do and he sees me succeeding then it's a problem. I have met someone but, I won't put her in my mess even though she says she doesn't care, I do. I want to wait until I am in a better place and fully rid of him. What should I do and how? I have strong feelings for her and I don't want to hurt her.
