I keep thinking about this virtually all the time and I still can't really tell whether I'm straight or bisexual, or anything else. This is going to be a long post, I guess, so I hope someone will have patience enough to last through it and maybe help me. I'm really upset. Okay, so basically I'm 19 and I've never ever been in any relationship. Never been kissed either. I don't want to sound stuck up and conceited, but I blame this solely on the fact that I moved abroad when I was 14 (Poland -> UK), which has really fucked me up - I used to have social anxiety, felt extremely self-conscious about my spoken English (still do), was depressed for a long period of time, cut myself, things like that; I actually still have mental health issues, which makes it really hard for me to make friends. Basically, I'm like the embodiment of social awkwardness, was like that even before I left Poland. So I feel like I've never been able to experience things regular teenagers are supposed to since my social life had been non-existent for the past 5 years. This makes it hard for me to properly deal with my feelings, I guess. Ever since I was little I've fancied both girls and guys, although in hindsight I can see that I didn't realise it was romantic attraction in case of girls. But I remember having butterflies in my stomach and desperately craving their attention, it was basically the same as with boys. I even fancied some of my internet friends when I was 11, 12, 13 (all girls, with one exception). Ok. I know that in order to identify as -sexual you obviously need to have sexual feelings towards members of a certain sex, I get that. But this is the confusing part, because I remember that when I was younger (12-16, I think) I used to fantasise about having sex with people I had a crush on at a certain period of time, however my fantasies weren't anything specific because I didn't know what sex was actually supposed to be like (even less so when it came to lesbian sex), so I never got aroused, I was just all dreamy and happy in my fantasy land. Then when I was 17 I stumbled across some erotic movies when I was watching the tv and the sex scenes really turned me on - but only the straight scenes. I've seen a few lesbian sex scenes and they didn't do anything for me, they seemed really bland. At that time I was already questioning my sexuality & the fact that only straight sex got me aroused was a huge relief to me b/c I was panicking about being a lesbian. And THEN I 'discovered' what a real penis actually looks like and I can positively say that I am completely repulsed by male genitalia. Sorry, guys! ;p It's yucky & I never ever want to have it inside of me, heh. I don't feel this way towards vaginas, I think I really would enjoy eating a girl out. Um, okay, moving on... It's not like girls don't turn me on at all. In fact, I have this weird fetish and I'm really embarrassed about it... um, but, wrestling really turns me on. *blushes furiously into infinity* Bikini wrestling, oil wrestling, whatever. I've had this fetish since I can remember, I can actually recall my 10-year-old self fantasising about naked ladies catfighting in a very sexual manner, which always got me really aroused and then I would pray and promise God I would never think about these things again (but I always did :d). Striptease turns me on too, though not always... And when I was like 9 I found my uncle's Playboy magazines and highly enjoyed perusing them, too. So yeah, I'm not completely oblivious to the feminine charms, I guess. I only watched one short (lesbian) porn clip a year ago to see if it would do anything for me (nope), but I'm against the whole porn industry in general so I stopped there and I'm not planning on having another go at watching anything else. I read guy-on-guy porn fanfics though, but they only give me occasional butterflies in the stomach. I like to fantasise about two guys together b/c I find it incredibly cute (haha), but I don't want to be sexual in any way with men. I had this recent 'crush' on a guy at my uni, I think he's very pretty, but when I tried imagining having sex with him, to my surprise, it didn't really turn me on, it felt wrong. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship with a man, either. The sheer thought repulses me. To be perfectly honest, I just don't want to be straight, as strange as it sounds. (That was partly why I watched The L Word - I hoped it would make me more gay, haha.) I want to be with a woman. But I feel like I'm not sexually attracted enough to women to consider myself lesbian/bisexual. I like to think that I might eventually develop sexual attraction towards a woman when I fall in love with one, but I have no idea b/c during the period of my life when I should have been establishing meaningful relationships with my peers and experimenting with dating (ie the teenage years) I was stuck in my room paralysed by fear of others. So I can't even say that I've had a proper crush on anyone in the past few years b/c if I fancied someone, it was only the idea of them, if you get me. I would see someone on the train to school every day and start daydreaming about them noticing me or something. But I haven't had a normal relationship with anyone in such a long time that I don't even know what it would be like to have a crush on someone I know & interact with. Can anyone relate to any of this? What do you think? Am I just a wannabe lesbian? I find it ridiculous how two years ago, in the course of a few months I was so confused I went through those phases of identifying with every one of the four sexual orientations, and now I have come full circle & still have no idea who I actually am. I'm so upset by this, it actually makes me cry. I hope someone can help me with this. If you have lasted through my whole post, thanks for reading. I appreciate it. u_u
Sorry to hear you are upset I can definitely relate to feeling confused and having everything inside you feel like a jumbled up mess. Don't feel bad about it, it's okay to not have any of the answers right now. I myself am in the process of figuring myself out too so you're not alone in this. I don't feel like it's my place to be able to tell you what you are, only you can answer that I think. I can say one thing though, what helps me a lot is writing in a journal (as silly as it sounds) I write everything down, even if it sounds stupid or repetitive, I pour my heart into my journal. It helps me to clarify certain things when I read over my previous entries, maybe you can try it? Unless you already do that then never mind lol, of course asking for support/advice on here is a good idea as well! From what you said about being repulsed by the thought of dating a guy, your fetishes, the playboys, the wrestling, etc... to me it sounds like you do have an attraction to women, but of course, there's still a lot of confusion there for you. All I can say is just try to be patient and don't force the answers too much... time will tell, and always remember you are not alone in this, soooo many other people are in the same state of confusion as you are right now... and so many people were in that state of confusion but came out of it. There IS hope Hang in there girl, keep your chin up!
You are totally not alone. I agree that journaling is a good idea. I personally feel like in many ways I'm also gay, but I just sort of lack that sexual interest, so that is confusing for me. I have had many people tell me that if I just had sex one way or the other I'd know (I'm 30 and I've never desired to have sex), but that seems really different from what most people seem to experience. I'm always a little jealous of people who say "I knew when I was 4". Anyway, I don't have good advice, I just wanted you not to feel alone or weird.(*hug*)
I hope you feel better about this soon (*hug*) You could look at it in simple terms, you've liked both guys and girls, you could identify as bisexual even if you're not sure who you'll like in future? Porn is bad representation and loads of lesbians don't like it. Just because your fantasies are more affectionate than sexual doesn't mean they don't represent how you feel I'm the same, I've identified as so many labels and now I just don't know. I'm kind of the opposite of you, I think lesbian porn is sometimes (if it's tasteful) adorable, but I don't know if I actually particularly like the idea of going down on a girl or even if I'd be turned on. I know for a fact girls used to turn me on. As for guys, I just don't know, I think I like them but after the ease of finding comfort in the same sex I find it hard to be in relationships with guys. Also, a lot of girls think penises look gross, but if you truly think you wouldn't want to go anywhere near them then maybe your attraction is romantic? I know I think they look gross too, but when I see pictures of attractive guys I feel this unexplainable chemical feeling of just wanting it. Sorry if thats a bit nsfw.. Sometimes our attraction is really complicated, and you might be tempted to overthink it but honestly it will probably get you nowhere. I know it's really hard but just try and distract yourself from the thoughts if they're getting overwhelming. It's okay not to know how you feel, and feelings for men and women can be different.
